2026 Goals(?)

Updates

It’s now April 30th. So much has happened since my last blog post.

In my last post I said I’d list out my goals for this upcoming year, which I’ll get to but let’s do a quick recap.

Since that time, here are the main changes

Love Life
I have a girlfriend! Nicole! I don’t know exactly what the future will hold and we’re still in that stage where we’re building our lives around each other but I’m pretty happy.

Move
I moved to Koreatown! Moved away from my old Hollywood building. So far it’s been literally 4 days but I kinda love it. Having that outdoor balcony. Being close to so many things and restaurants and people. Being close to Nicole.

Youtube
I started a Youtube channel. Honestly as fun as it’s been, it’s become kind of a grind recently. With the move, I’ve been taking a break from posting videos and I kinda feel relieved.

Ever since I started posting videos I’ve thought more about the easy way and the hard way. That divergent path where you could take the path of integrity or the path of shortcuts (buy bot traffic, manipulate viewers with clickbait, manipulate viewers with controversy to drive comments to drive traffic).

I think the younger me would have categorically chosen the former, simultaneously judging those who do the latter. But I get it. Life isn’t easy. Of course most people would want to take the easy way out.

At the same time—as much as I can understand the motivation, I’m still wholly convinced that taking the easy way out makes the world a worse place over time.

But of course, the older I get, the more I recognize I can be on the inflexible side. So maybe this isn’t so black and white. But as I write this, I also wonder how to maintain your principles as the world changes so much…

This whole easy vs hard path, tragedy of the commons is tremendously more important than ever before. And at the same time, no one seems to care.

Work…
Still working at the same place. I’ve switched teams and managers more in the last year than I ever remember. The whole industry is upending anyways. Tbh there’s a feeling of meaninglessness. Ofc the money is good but purpose would be nice as well lol.

That age old debate of finances vs purpose. I’ve chosen finances every time that came up (while conveniently hedging my bets by generating my own purpose on the side). I’m starting to wonder if that’s sustainable.

The Good Stuff

I maintain my positive demeanor but I also contemplate a lot more. Which I don’t love. Lately I’ve been trying to remind myself to not try to control so much. So much will always be forever out of reach, forever out of your control. Do what you can and ENJOY your life!

I’ve also felt on many occasions so lucky that I have faith. This deep rooted, hard to explain feeling that at the end of the day I can rely on God, a higher power to lead me through life. Super bonus for sure…

Anyways, on the lighter side, here are some things that have brought me great happiness over the last few months

  • Nicole. I said before I don’t know exactly where things are headed. And it’s not like I walk around in a state of constant bliss, but there have been moments. I catch myself sometimes (often on long drives where my mind just wanders) feeling so lucky and happy to be with her. I think I hesitate to revel in this feeling because I’m risk averse and like to hedge my bets (what if we break up, wouldn’t I be such a fool to gush now) but that’s kind of a sad and ridiculous way to live life. In this moment and for past couple months I have felt at times incredibly happy largely due to her.

  • Friends! Holey moley, on multiple occasions I’ve caught myself and wondered with delight: “damn I have friends in LA now!” Coming to LA that was definitely a concern having to “start over” but it really didn’t have to be a concern. Two highlights—my housewarming and my housecooling. At my housewarming in my typical perfectionist fashion, I bought at ton from Costco and cooked custom pizzas for everyone that came. My housecooling was way chiller but also Nicole came through so there was a bit of nerves (everything went great though). One comment that made me happy in hindsight is when Frances was talking about her social life and how after a certain age it was harder to make friends. She said because of me hosting she was able to (semi) regularly connect with these people. That genuinely felt great. In retrospect, everyone gets along pretty well.

    • One gripe I have is compared to NYC, it definitely takes deliberation and planning to see my friends regularly. But I want to fix that / make greater efforts.

  • Youtube. Mixed bag due to the grindy aspects but for a while I was delighted. I hit 200 subscribers. Which is crazy when I step back and realize I got 200 random ass people to hit a button to watch more of my stuff.

  • Family. As hard and confusing as life can get at times, when I realize my family’s so close, it all kind of melts. Fuck man at times you feel so grateful. Now that I write all this out, I’m reminded once again of how good my life is (despite all the randomness and confusion of recent times).

What’s next

Immediately what’s next: I want to fill out my schedule. Being at home all day with nothing but work and my grindy Youtube has been tough lately.

Broader picture wise… I’m not sure. Which is odd because for my entire life I’ve been kind of sure of where I wanted to go. There was always some ongoing conquest.

I think part of my uncertainty is age. We’ve done this whole dance before. The trying, learning, attempting, failing, trying again. At times it feels so Groundhogs Day.

I also think AI changed so much. All these skills I invested in all of a sudden upended. Music—made by AI. Code—made by AI. The two things I probably spent the most time investing in.

I do think life is still fun. There’s still gotta be so much for me to explore. But the path ahead is kind of hazy.

A Big Question I still think about: do skills matter? Does being good at something matter when there’s a being that can do it so much better?

That question was a no brainer in the past. Of course they matter. Being good at things is what gives you value on the marketplace. And value is good.

Now I’m not so sure. Of course for the next few years, decades, whatever—humans can still bring something to the table. But one day we won’t.

Maybe that’s like worrying about the Sun being snuffed out. Some big grand issue that future humans will deal with. But it is a very interesting question.

I think a more practical answer is that your value will become more localized over time. Sure there may be an omnipotent being that can outclass anyone on the global level but your works will still matter to the people who know you.

As AI takes over on the global scale, maybe the best (only?) option we have for a bright future is to lean into meaning and relationships on a more communal level.

2026 Goals

  • Host something every quarter. With the intention of creating an actual friend group. I think the seeds are definitely there. My friends all kind of know each other now.

    • Stretch goal every month or every other month

The rest I’m spitballing. I might come back and revise them

  • Start my new album - Songs for the Lost

    • I’m going to table DANCE INC.

      • Or maybe I’ll release them under a pseudonym: Salaryman? Something unique.

  • Meditate 80% of the year

    • Tracking in Habitify

  • Perform on stage once a quarter. Already did my choir performance last quarter ;)

    • I mean as long as I do classes I should just get this down.

    • Stretch goal: join an improv team / audition for UCB house team

  • Learn guitar

    • I end up using a ton in my production so it’d be nice to know how to actually play

  • Log weight 80% of the year

    • Tracking in Habitify?

    • Idk man I’ve always had that goal of getting to 160 lbs but unless it’s top of mind idk if I’ll actually follow through. I do think weighing myself and seeing the number go up would probably encourage me to chill out a bit.

  • Volunteer once a quarter

  • Find something to purely have fun with. Probably musical improv but if there’s anything else go for it.

    • no numbers, no dick measuring, no politics, no pressure. just pure fun

  • Go on an extended trip with Nicole (ideally somewhere foreign)

2025 Recap

I’m writing from the Philz in Hollywood. Lately it’s so damn hard to concentrate in my apartment. Holiday brain.

We are here to review 2025. Probably one of my most eventful years in a while

Winter

  • Getting ready to leave for California. There are some loose ends to handle and I also want to say goodbye to my friends. I hit up my fav places with my fav ppl.

    • Carnegie Hall / Mala project with Tim

    • Watching Maybe Happy Ending with Kelvin

    • Ice cream with Saad and Chaitya

    • Hit up some final LIC spots with Mansoor

    • Steak and magic show with Tim and David

  • Head back around Feb to help Mom and Dad move into their new house. From then on, for a couple months, I become a bit depressed. Wondering what I’m doing in the deep suburbs, far from friends and the city I’ve lived in for the last six years. Things also feel a bit frayed with Harry for whatever reason. Lots of random anxiety about moving back to California and what life will look like.

  • Harry also adopts a dog (Russell)!

  • In March, the four of us go to Vietnam on a family trip. Definitely an angsty time for me. Lots of contemplation about what I’m doing in life. But the trip itself and the cities we visit (Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City) are amazing. Food is amazing, the bustle is fun. Definitely want to visit again (I liked Hanoi more than Ho Chi Minh. Felt a bit more vibrant)

Spring

  • After reading How to Change Your Mind, and listening to some friends (Mansoor, Jess, Harry), I decide to take shrooms.

  • Pretty soon after Vietnam, I have to go back to NYC for work. Feels like a homecoming of sorts.

    • Go to Millie’s birthday party and see a bunch of friends: Tim, Will, Apollo, David. We end up at a warehouse rave in LIC which ends up being randomly pretty fun.

    • Get dinner with Evan, Mansoor and Jess

    • Actually get closer to my teams at work. Genuinely enjoyed that time overall

    • Karaoke + clubbing with Tim, David, Ama, Apollo, Millie, Will, Amy

  • Immediately after, go to Buenos Aires. Have a decent time overall

    • Oddly enough, I don’t think I’m that lonely there. I end up meeting a bunch of people: Peter, Emin, Abbey, Ben, Kris, Jordan. In the months past I haven’t kept in touch. But for a couple weeks it felt like summer camp memories.

    • I mostly remember eating a lot of meat (too much), doing a bunch of random touristy stuff, trying to go on dates, going clubbing once (I don’t even like clubbing but it seemed like the thing to do), going to a couple TimeLeft dinners, using the pool/sauna in the apartment, meditating (after Mansoor mentioned it so many times), talking a LOT about dating (at least with the people I was with, everyone talked about dating/sex pretty much every time we met up),

  • After BA, I come back to California to be with Dad. Mom and Harry are in Korea so he’s home alone with Russell. Compared to the first time around, this period feels a lot better. Not sure what changed. Maybe the post shrooms/BA realization that life can be larger than the daily grind. That you can do whatever you want, really.

    • Side note: You get so used to the daily grind. So pigeonholed in whatever role you’ve assigned yourself. It takes effort to remind yourself life can be so much more than that. I default to the “responsible” choice. Or the path of least resistance. Something to consider as I get older not to get too stuck in my ways

    • During this time, I also take up the trumpet. The idea is that I use it all the time in my production so it’d be cool to learn the real thing. The real thing turns out to be much harder than expected and I give up after a few months :’)

    • I also start taking acting classes at Margie Haber. This turns out to be kind of demanding. The teacher is rigorous. I respect him (his dedication to the craft, the way he carries himself) but dislike him (such a stickler, demands emotional outpouring at almost anything, scrutinizes everything) at the same time. BUT! Overall, I enjoy it.

Summer

  • Explore LA

    • I bounce around from Airbnb to Airbnb. Hollywood, West Hollywood, Culver City, Highland Park, Pasadena, Silver Lake. An oddly enjoyable time. I spend a lot of time randomly driving around. Seeing what the city has to offer.

      • I kind of miss that. Being able to drive and check out random places… I guess I could do that now but these days I feel kinda tired and don’t want to deal with traffic.

  • New car!!! I get an Ioniq 5

  • Harry and Mom come back from Korea. The next few months are rocky for the entire family. But in the end, I think it was a good thing. Things that had to be said were said. Scars were formed and healed.

    • I guess with any rough period of life, it kind of hit unexpectedly. And it was bad but not really anything you could expect. And as bad as it was, it wasn’t really that bad.

  • I go up to visit Andrew in Seattle. I also see Jessie and Vidush while I’m there. Summer in Seattle is a pleasant time

    • We go clamming!

  • I get a new apartment in Hollywood. I remember frantically analyzing every advantage and disadvantage of living there (same with getting my car)

    • In the end, I don’t think the frantic-ness of my decision making was necessary.

    • My Ioniq is currently busted due to the ICCU (kind of expected, I guess but still a pain in the ass).

    • My apartment is nice but a bit isolated. Feels like I’m living in an ivory tower

      • Grievances include: needing two separate elevators to get to my garage

      • 3 elevators for a huge building

      • I don’t love living so high up, I guess? Maybe a mid rise with a balcony

    • I guess my point is you probably won’t make a perfect decision. So don’t white knuckle your way through trying to make the right decision. Just do the due diligence, and adapt.

  • Harry and I do a small weekend trip to San Diego. We want to see Comic Con. The Con is way too crowded and kind of disappointing since we don’t have tickets. But San Diego is a nice little time away from home.

Fall

  • Go back to NYC for Evan’s wedding! I see old friends

    • Hang with Evan and Jess at the wedding

    • Karaoke with Apollo, Chai, Amy and Will

    • Lunch with Will and Kelvin

  • Tim visits me in LA

    • We do the studio tour together

  • I spend a lot of time trying to figure out my life in LA

    • Start doing musical improv at UCB (love it)

    • Join a choir (I originally join to meet women / make friends but it turns out to be mostly married women and grandmas). Still rewarding overall and I love singing either way

    • Take a music production class

    • Join a co-working space (it’s great overall but I just don’t like having to drive regularly to get there)

    • Join Asian American Collective

  • I start making friends

    • Arcee and Sara from improv

    • Rin from the music production class

    • Anish from FB Marketplace

      • I was buying a standing desk from him and we started talking about music. He turned out to also produce music so we hit it off from there.

  • I started seeing Nicole

    • We met on Hinge and have an odd amount of details in common. Both went to Berkeley. Our dads went to the same college (one year apart). Our moms also both worked as flight attendants. Maybe I’m reading into it too much but it is interesting haha.

December

  • Hosted my first dinner party/housewarming at my apartment

2025 Takeways

  • Consistency is possibly the most important thing to do what you want in life

    • I used to think success was formed with broad strokes but lately I think success is achieved with a thousand little cuts built up over time. Just the way I feel.

  • Control what you can but let everything else go

    • At a certain point this year, it felt like I was trying to control so much. It was exhausting. It’s also a waste of energy to some degree. How much can you actually control? How much is out of your hands? Do what you can and trust God to do the rest. Otherwise I think I’d go crazy trying to fine tune everything.

    • I think the base human instinct is to try to grip your way through the struggle. Keep pushing and pushing and pushing till something breaks through. But I don’t think that’s the best way to live.

    • I felt this a lot during trumpet practice. Especially when my teacher got me to read Inner Game of Tennis.

  • If you’re caught between doing something and not, it’s probably better to just do it

    • Maybe you hold back out of fear of change. But end of the day, you have to live your life.

    • I agonized over a lot of decisions this year. Where to live. What car to drive. Whether to move from NYC to LA. But every time I just made the decision, life kind of unfolded in a more sensible way.

    • Right before you make the decision, there’s a huge decision space you have to contemplate. And you drive yourself crazy trying to make the perfect choice. Once you act, you just adapt and move on. Kind of simpler.

    • Maybe this changes over time/age. But while you’re still young, you should try to make as many decisions as possible without too much fear of the fallout.

2025 Goals

Here are the goals I set for the past year and what I accomplished:

  • Settle back in California (or at least sublet and decide for sure I don’t want to move here)

    • Actually did this! And I’m glad I made the move. I’m very happy being able to see family whenever I want and as much as I miss NY, LA still has a lot to offer

  • Date seriously. Maybe even find someone I could one day get married to

    • Kind of??? Things are going well with Nicole (though still kind of early). Most of the year, I didn’t date at all. Between Argentina and being in the suburbs, I didn’t have that much time to meet people.

  • Health

    • Implement a healthier food prep situation where I cook the majority of meals at home.

      • YES!!!! Actually glad I did this and my diet has improved significantly. It’s not perfect and past weeks, I’ve found myself eating out a lot more. But overall this has been a success

    • Consistently exercise throughout the year.

      • Uhhhh kind of? Haven’t been super consistent. I think the level of effort involved makes it hard to be consistent. Anything requires activation energy. And LA living requires a good amount of activation energy

  • Deliver on my house music project: Dance Inc.

    • Nope. I’m dragging my ass here. I think I gotta get the minimum out. Don’t worry too much about promo. Just put it out there and get the story across

  • If I decide to move to LA — build a life

    • Daily / Weekly routine

    • Social life

      • A sports activity, an artistic activity, a community activity

    • Yeah, did a great job here. Really explore a good amount and I deserve to spend December doing NOTHING

  • One month working remotely in a far flung place

    • Yep, did this too.

  • Find an alternative stream of income

    • Nope. Also found that I didn’t care so much about this either

Overall, did a pretty good job.

I’ll write my next year’s goals in a follow up. But for now I am hungry

What's Up Doc

I’m back in Valencia after a couple days visiting Andrew in Seattle. It’s been so long since I’ve written but I think writing these memories down help me remember them far more vividly so here I am once more. Also love the idea of keeping my streak going. I think occasionally of this sardine blog (https://mouth-full-of-sardines.blogspot.com/) and how the writer’s managed to keep it up since 2014 (although he seems to have last written in December 2024… a bit concerning). Hopefully I can keep this blog updated until I die.

I don’t remember exactly where I left off, but since the last post I’ve

Sprained my ankle

… and was somewhat depressed living at home for about a month. Between being stuck inside most of the time, staying home alone while Mom and Dad went to work, adjusting to California, and missing my friends—this was not a happy period in my life.

VIsited Vietnam

And loved it. After my month of depression, this was a good reminder that there was a lot to enjoy in life. I remember feeling pretty angsty (and frustrated and kind of angry and butting heads with almost everyone) during this time but also remember feeling excitement again.

There were a couple incidents (kind of a strong word) where I felt strongly out of my element but tried to question / understand why I felt so narrow-minded (also a strong word) in these situations. I know it’s so vague but I’m pretty sure I’ll remember when I read back. Anyways, I walked away wondering why I had held such a narrow, tight view on life. Why hadn’t I been more open-minded?

Left NYC and visited again

Right after Vietnam, I went back for core week. Packed a lot of events. Primarily remember going to Millie’s birthday and ending up at a warehouse rave in LIC. Met up with some work friends—Jess, Mansoor, Evan. Met up with my teammates for the first time and actually had an unexpectedly great time. I also invited a ton of people to go to karaoke and we ended up at Maru afterwards. Pretty fun overall.

Took some Buhsut

Genuinely a trip. I read How to Change Your Mind in Vietnam and also had heard some rave reviews (esp from Mansoor — “I met God”). I originally wanted to try it with Mansoor but ended up doing it at Harry’s apartment while he babysat.

I took a bit and then some more thinking the dosage was too low but eventually everything hit at once. I felt so light. I poured my heart out like I had rarely done before. I marveled at the world and all of its miracles and tragedies. I felt like such a burden had been lifted. I lightly hallucinated—the walls were moving.

I wrote some notes towards the end. I don’t remember verbatim but something about understanding that at the end of the day I was just a simple love monkey. We made life so complicated but at the end of the day that was all we could offer and all that mattered.

Part of me is skeptical—did I feel that way just because I’d been primed to expect that (from Mansoor, from the book?). Part of me is happy I got to experience that. I’m not eager to jump back into that experience but it felt like I knocked a few pieces into their right places. I was able to cut through a lot of bullshit and walls I’d put up and felt emotionally free.

Lived out of Buenos Aires for a month

I’d wanted to live abroad for a short period and this kinda scratched that itch. Harry pushed me to pull the trigger right before I left for NYC.

My feelings are mixed. Luckily, I met a bunch of people.

  • Emin

    • Perpetually womanizing Christian German guy who I still hold respect for due to how disciplined he is

    • Was working pretty hard on a Christian themed app blocker app. Had also run a couple businesses before. Leaning hard into the digital nomad life.

  • Peter

    • Korean guy living out of Argentina who I ran into at a Mundo Lingo language exchange at a bar.

    • Is an accountant and funnily almost every convo he had with either me or a new friend eventually revolved around money—living expenses, salary, etc.

    • Was very kind to me. Showed me around a bunch. Took me to an “underground” money exchange place where you’d bring USD and walk away with a fat stack of Argentinian Pesos.

      • I came at a weird time where everything shot up in price. It wasn’t as expensive as NYC but definitely more than I expected.

  • Abbey

    • Pretty Australian girl that I met at a Timeleft. Had just broken up with her boyfriend of multiple years and seemed to be finding herself through her travels. Also seemed very into mindfulness

  • Ben

    • Also met at Timeleft. Australian studying at a pastry school in BA. Chill, nice Australian guy.

  • Kris

    • Expat who’d been living in Colombia. We met at my apt’s sauna. He actually convinced me to look more into crypto / bitcoin and because of him and the different resources he sent, I decided to start buying some.

  • Jordan

    • Half japanese / half white guy who I met at a different Timeleft dinner. Was very chill and kind of goofy. I hung out with him and his brother a couple times and he always had a happy-go-lucky vibe. Also from LA.

In terms of an actual city, BA was good but not great. I wish there had been slightly more Asian people. There was never any overt racism but I heard differing accounts on how much racism occurred in the city. I never felt ostracized but also not super integrated into the society. I met an Argentinian woman at a dinner who was actually very forthcoming about her own racial biases as well as the general biases in culture.

The meat was amazing (but you kind of get tired of eating meat so often).

Another notable cultural difference was the daily schedule. People regularly ate around 9pm and would stay out until 4/5am. Things wouldn’t open too early. Lots of boliches (clubs. I went to one and it was ok…)

Dating culture was also weird. I heard differing accounts but the general story I heard—men used to be super aggressive (overly aggressive) but there was a big MeToo movement so they became significantly more timid but because of that women had to be more aggressive in the dating scene. And everyone was constantly hooking up. Hook up culture was very top of mind. Another friend (Trini) mentioned that one of her friends was in a grieving process due to his dad dying but he still felt obligated(?) to keep hooking up because he felt awkward/fomo if he stopped. Not sure how true this is because I told some other Argentinians and they were adamant that it wasn’t that bad…

Don’t think I’d have a reason to go back soon but there were other parts of Argentina that seemed cool. Like Iguazu falls and Ushuaia.

And though I didn’t feel particularly integrated into the society there, the Argentinians I met and talked to were actually very friendly.

Officially moved over to California

In recent weeks, I’ve been trying to be more active. To that end, I started acting classes again! And though it wasn’t easy (two 5 hour sessions every week going from 6-11pm), it was pretty rewarding.

The class was a reminder in letting go. Not trying to control everything. Learning how to trust yourself and trust the outcomes. A reminder that sometimes judgement and putting up walls is also a form of trying to control the outcome, but often time that does nothing.

I also bought a new car! Ioniq 5. Love it so far.

Started and stopped taking trumpet lessons because it was tooooooo hard and I was tooooooo busy.

Visited Andrew + friends in Seattle

This past week I visited Andrew and others in Seattle. Stayed in Andrew’s big ass house (3 beds all to himself).

  • Explored Capitol Hill (just ok). Had chowder at pike place chowder (good but salty).

  • Hung out with Jessie. Pizza at My Friend Derek’s (guilty pleasure really tasty). Walked around Green Lake after

  • Explore Bainbridge Island and some of the towns around there (Poulsbo). Got AYCE sushi at Sumo Buffet and that was unexpectedly great. Went to Round 1 after

  • Went clam + oyster harvesting. Cooked them all and it was delicious

  • Saw Vidush for the first time in years. Ballard Seafood fest + pickleball.

Well, good catch up. Maybe pictures to come but that’s it for now. Tired and have to work early tmrw. Pretty happy with life lately and excited for what’s to come.


Final NYC Days

I’m in my final week in NYC (for now). I haven’t truly said goodbye because NYC still feels like a part of my life. Even if I leave I’ll always have a reason to come back. This year alone I’m planning to come back for work and maybe a wedding. Even if I had no concrete plans I think I’d come back to visit and see friends. Who knows what the future holds.

Honestly even the departure itself is filled with uncertainty. Just last week the director of my org got dropped with zero warning. The woman who—supposedly—had been easy with location transfers because she also lived in SF. So… we’ll see?

Anyways, the last few weeks have been filled with farewells and final experiences.

  • Watched Maybe Happy Ending with Kelvin. I went in pretty hyped because Tim raved about it but I thought it was just decent. The staging was amazing but I’m definitely kind of over love stories involving robots. I remember watching the Orville and hating the storyline where the ship doctor falls in love with a robot.

    • Not sure why it rubs me the wrong way. I just think it’s cheesy and overdone. “Oh a robot that can feel emotions?? How novel!!”

  • Caught up with Junseo at HUPO. He seemed tired (said he only gets ~5 hours of sleep these days. He wakes up thinking of things he has to do at work…)

  • Went to Carnegie Hall with Tim to watch the New York Pops cover Cole Porter! Way exceeded my expectations. The venue itself was beautiful. We were seated in the cheapest tickets at the balcony level and I was shocked to see how low the railings were. One little shove and you’d be a goner. The music sounded so good. There was even a tap dancer (John Manzari) who performed the entire time and at one point had a tap dancing solo that lasted almost ten minutes.

    • We also went to Kaiyo Omakase before. Tim paid for me as a farewell! Super nice of him.

  • Karaoke with work friends (Jess, Matt, Evan, Patty and some others)

  • Got Indian food at Angel with Amy. She shared a story about how she made an offhand joke (about how he was charging his son rent to live at home) at her boyfriend’s dad during their ski trip and he EXPLODED at her. Calling her disrespectful and yelling in front of the 10+ people table. What a disaster…

  • Lunch with Dawi at Nubiani. Surprisingly a lot of food.

  • Lunch with Jason and Nicole at Sanpanino. Turns out they’re moving back to the bay in a couple months! Here we go, the next phase. Phase 1: everyone starts off in the bay. Phase 2: everyone moves to New York. Phase 3: everyone leaves New York. Nicole came about five years ago and Jason maybe 2-3 years ago.

  • Superbowl at Apollo and Chai’s.

  • Went to Gomo’s and ate Sushi plus some pastries I brought over. Had a great time and it was good seeing the extended fam before I left for a while.

  • Lunch with Mansoor at Manducatis. I’d wanted to check out the place for a while and it was just ok.

  • Ran a 10k! Definitely felt a jolt of runner’s high where it felt so good that I was able to run that much. Surprised myself with how I was able to make it to the end.

  • Lunar New Year’s at Alyssa and Rob’s

  • Unfortunately sprained my ankle at volleyball

  • I’ve been playing a lot of Kingdom Come Deliverance 2.

These last few weeks have been packed. Great seeing friends. Annoying to have my ankle sprained and hobbling around everywhere. My lifestyle has suffered—no longer running, kind of eating junk, a bit lazier. But it is what it is. I see it all as kind of temporary till I get to California anyways.

Ghost

I’m writing from the living room sofa. Drinking cold brew as I recover from last night’s Mala Project. I knew this would happen, but in the spirit of full circleness—not only did I order Mala Project, but I also ordered everything meat heavy—Sliced Eye of Round, Fun Size Sausage, Quail Egg, Tofu Pocket. No regrets.

It’s my second week back in NYC. I keep coming back to the imagery of a ghost haunting the house he used to live in. I am that ghost.

At first I said it jokingly to my friends but now I don’t actually want to feel that way. My last therapist said I have a tendency to stay in the pain longer than I need to. I’m the type to ignore the pain thinking it’ll just pass me by as I silently grit my teeth without showing too much. I think this is due to the fear of succumbing to pain if I actually show I’m in pain.

Anyways, my point is the last week in NYC has not been great. It’s been cold, lonely. I’ve been homesick, wondering what I’m doing here (especially for this long). Back in LA, I thought less about the break up. Now that I’m back to spending most of my time alone, I think about it more (side note: at least in NYC, it’s hard to get this balance right. Sometimes I feel I’m too busy, other times I feel I’m too free. It’s hard to get this right). I feel like I’m in this half way situation.

This is all a pretty good case for my possible move to LA.

But in the meantime, I want to actually plan for a great time in the remaining weeks I have in NYC. I need a perspective shift. Honestly, I haven’t really been living like it’s my last few weeks in NYC. Maybe a part of me doesn’t want to face that. Maybe I’m just not good at planning these things. Either way, I want to have some sort of farewell tour, to both the city and my friends.

To bring that goodbye into a reality. As of now I only have roughly 3 weeks left here.

  • I guess the first thing to do is to actually start clearing out my room. Start packing things and getting ready to go.

  • Also plan out at least one bigger event per week. Things or experiences I want to do. And do it, even alone if I have to.

    • I’ve lived with this mindset of hearing about things to do in NYC and putting it on the back burner. There’s always too many things to do here and I didn’t want to get burned out. This is the time to do it all.

    • Spitballing: pizza tour, the ride, carnegie hall, opera, one more broadway show, jazz show, tenement museum, comedy cellar, The Shed, etc…….

Besides my lack of spirit at times, all in all, it’s been a good week. I’ve stayed consistent with my trio of habits (read, open DAW and listen through to end of song, walk 45 min/exercise). It keeps me tethered to the idea that I’m improving as a human being so that’s nice.

I’m trying to remember what’s happened this week.

  • Caught up with Kelvin at Katsu Hama

  • Got restaurant week dinner with Kristy and Chai at Iris

  • Mala Project with Tim

  • Got Nan Xiang Xiao Long Bao with Derek

  • Started running after being inspired by David Goggin’s book Can’t Hurt Me

  • Went to the office and hung out with Evan

  • I guess I didn’t do much… To be fair it’s cold and I don’t love being outside, but it’s a light schedule

Back to NYC! / Inspiration

Back to NYC!

Copied from my personal notes on the night I arrived back to NYC:
I sit in my basement room in my final (for now???) residence in NYC. It is roughly six years since I moved to NYC and I realize now more than ever that TIME FLIES.

As I sat upstairs eating one of the best (better) chicken parms I’ve had in the city, watching The Orville after a long Uber from the airport contemplating the cold and the loneliness ahead of me, I felt a sense of delight to be living this life.

This journey I’ve been on with all its twists and turns, all its excitement and monotony, triumphs and disappointments. To one hour be at home in Oxnard with a truly loving family and the next be thrust back in NYC where—yes I am back alone in a basement unit—but also I am alive and healthy and anything could happen.

All these years that at times seemed to drag on endlessly (pandemic) now in the rear view and I am in (what might be) my final month in New York City.

A place I ended up based on the whim that I wanted an adventure. To have lived a life I’d be excited to live. To be in a place where I could discover myself.

And yes, there were so many lonely nights and some moments when I truly felt like the city had beaten me down. But I don’t think I ever for a second 1. regretted the move or 2. truly disliked being here. I knew it was a package deal and that every moment spent here was a moment getting closer to something.

Maybe I’m just being sentimental but it’s true. This city will always be a city that leads me closer to something. I might not always have the clearest idea of what that something is but it will almost definitely be worth pursuing.

At the same time though, did I want to spend too much of my time pursuing this? Absolutely not. I am a realist in that sense lmao. I miss family too much and maybe dislike being alone too much for that.

I think it’s a city where I got almost everything I wanted

  1. to be an artist

  2. to meet a whole variety of new and interesting people

  3. to date

    1. despite how things ended with Tara, I enjoyed that final hurrah of dating in NYC

I had so many opportunities to stretch myself, confront my fears, and grow as a result of that

  • sewing class

  • studio 40

  • improv

  • going to volleyball for the first time years ago in the Upper West Side. Walking down those steps feeling definitely nervous / anxious I’d somehow make a fool of myself

  • recording + releasing my album and hosting listening parties

I did so much of what I wanted to do and that makes me so grateful and happy for my time here. All the memories I made and all the people I met.

Inspiration

In present day:

I sit at Overflow Coffee on a peaceful lazy Sunday. It is lightly snowing outside. I’ve just finished reading a chapter of David Goggin’s Can't Hurt Me and it reinforces a thought I’ve had for a long time—people (I) are so much more capable of than who we (I) are in this moment. It’s so easy to live in a world where the bare minimum gets by. Even the bare minimum is often good enough. Which is a blessing and a curse.

But there’s a lingering curiosity of what you’re fully capable of. Every so often you come up for a breath and you wonder what life would be like if you actually tried. Then some distraction comes crashing down on you and you’re swept under again.

The best and worst part of this is that when you’re under, it’s not even a particularly bad life. I make good money, I have great friends, a great family. I’ve dated around. And I’m generally decently happy with how life has gone so far. But it’s hard to shake the thought that I could be doing better.

I’ve also read the Comfort Crisis recently so that theme is on my mind more lately. The idea that life is too easy, too comfortable. And I wonder if I’ll regret not having pushed myself a little bit more.

An interesting counterpoint is—as I read Can’t Hurt Me—I wonder how happy he actually is. He keeps reaching higher heights but doesn’t seem to settle into those accomplishments. He just keeps looking higher. I don’t want to live that way either. I want to continually progress while feeling joy at that progression. I think I feel that way now but I could also push myself a little bit more. I’m particularly happy about my unbroken chain of producing music. I also realize that I don’t have to (or maybe want to) become a superhuman athlete like David Goggins. But I do want to push myself in the areas that truly matter to me.

It’s hard to just pick something and declare that you want to excel in it. I’ve been doing music for a while now and even then it’s not easy for me to push all my chips into that corner and declare I want to be the best there is here. That’s part of the barrier. And on the other hand I’d be excited to see how well I could do with music when I really really try.

Maybe it’s the reading I’ve been doing but I generally feel excited about life. Just seeing how it all interacts with each other. How everyone in parallel has a journey of progress and sorrow and mistakes and accomplishments. How you can kind of doing anything you want with your life (though it’s pretty easy to forget this over time). Like today I could decide I want to become an ultra marathoner and fast forward to a couple months (year?) later—if I really really try and be consistent—I could do that. It’s just a matter of desire, consistency and discipline.

As I get older I see more first hand how things compound. Money and habits specifically. Set it up right early on and you reap it so well even a few years later.

Week Recap

Since I got back to NYC, I’ve mostly been settling back into the city and catching up with friends.

  • Got Dim Sum at House of Joy with David

  • Caught up with Alyssa at Takumen

  • Went to Go Nonna with Tim

  • Caught up with Mansoor at Yumpling

  • Did a spa day with David, Tim and Apollo and we got hotpot afterwards

    • We were all on the fence about going to World Spa (somewhat far from where we live and kind of expensive at $120) but I’m glad we went. Set up kind of like a Korean spa with different rooms and pools. It was all on one floor but felt sufficiently expansive. The food was underwhelming.

I wondered if I’d feel worse being back in NYC in the context of the break up, but I feel fine. There are moments where I’m reminded of her and I feel a sliver of sadness(?) (e.g. when I pass by her neighborhood on the Uber home or see a restaurant that we went to) but besides that I feel fine.

New Habits / LA Thoughts

Writing from Alchemist Coffee Project. It’s a bit of a slow day at work. More or less finished the work I was supposed to do so I’m just chilling at the moment.

I’ve been in Oxnard / LA for the past week since coming back from Mexico City. Things have been good. Usually I’m pretty bored when I’m in Oxnard but it hasn’t been that bad this time around.

I’ve set up a new slate of habits after continuing to re-read Atomic Habits. Sticking with three to begin the year

  1. Read

  2. Walk 45 min or Exercise 

  3. Open up DAW and listen through project to the end

Starting with relatively easy things so I can get into the habits quickly without much resistance. So far so good. The easiness of it actually does make it easy to get into the habit and once I’m there I stay there. Momentum works.

I’m in a bit of a transition period. Heading back to NYC this Saturday to clear out my sublet apartment and say hi / bye to some friends. Next few months I’ll be coming back to LA, probably subletting a place in 1-2 neighborhoods and trying out life here.

I’m excited for what’s to come. Not only moving to LA, but also Mom and Dad moving into their BRAND NEW HOUSE! Dad’s long held American Dream of owning a brand new house and a nice car is finally coming to fruition.

As I sit here in sunny LA, I do feel ready to say goodbye to NYC. For a couple months here and there, I felt slightly like a ghoul haunting a place that had already moved on past him. Maybe that’s a bit melodramatic. But it felt like my time in NYC had come to a close and the city was moving past me.

I’m sure part of that was self inflicted. Stopping / slowing down on all the activities I’d done in the city (improv, making music, hosting, volleyball) led to a sense that my time there was coming to a close. Either way, I’m excited for LA.

There’s a lot to figure out. Where to live first of all. Whether I’ll keep bouncing back and forth from Mom and Dad’s house to Harry’s apartment or get a place of my own. The car situation. Activities I’ll want to do. Where I’ll want to live. How I’ll make new friends / how I’ll get back in touch with the ones I already have. But that will all come in time. It’s easier thinking about all that stuff now that I’m actually in LA.

This past week was very chill. Spent most of it working from Oxnard. Went to Valencia a couple times to check out the new house Mom and Dad are buying.

Notably, biked from Culver City to Marina Del Rey. Tony and I rode on city bikes and it roughly took 90 minutes to get there. Beautiful ride towards the end where the path had beautiful views of the ocean. It was also nice in that there were no cars one we got on the path.

We got to Marina del Rey and discovered that the trail went on for 22 more miles! We were a bit tired and unprepared for that long of a ride but I definitely want to do it one day.

After the ride we hung out in Marina del Rey for a bit and then ubered back to Culver City. Got a delicious burger at Father’s Office. Would definitely go back.

Mexico City / New Year / 75 Medium?

Just got back from Mexico City a couple days ago. It is officially January 1st.

Mexico City

Mexico City was good. It felt like a bit of a repeat since I’d gone there May 2022 with Andrew and Apollo. We experienced some new things this time around.

Went to Grutas Tolantongo to experience the hot springs and the caves. Pretty unique experience. There was a small hiking path to the top of the mountain where they’d drilled a cave into the mountain. We were able to go into the cave (maybe a hundred feet in) where the hot water dripped down and collected into pools at the bottom. A little hard to breathe, pretty crowded, but pretty fun overall.

Besides this experience, we also traveled via the cable car. I’m not sure whether this had been built by the first time I visited, but this was completely new.

Pretty interesting experience where we saw the non-touristy parts of Mexico City. Definitely more run down and crowded. We got off one of the stops and swung by the market to eat gorditas. I’d drank some coffee before getting on the hour long subway ride to get to the cable cars. The first few stops on the cable car had closed bathrooms. I writhed in pain and desperation en route to the third cable car stop. This one also didn’t have a stop… I ran out in desperation until I found an isolated alley corner and let it all out. Truly one of the more desperate situations I’ve been in recent times.

We also went to Contramar. Octopus and fish were good. 7.8/10

New Year

And now I’m back in Oxnard. Came back here for jury duty oncall. Still haven’t been called. I alternate between wondering whether this is the right move long term (25%) and knowing this is the right move (75%). I woke up from a nap yesterday with a pang of surprise. The surprise of not having my life in NYC, not seeing my friends, maybe even a bit of shock towards the break up.

But then I see Mom and Dad. Seeing how they’re getting older. How privileged and happy I’d be experiencing life with them. Being able to be close to Harry. Maybe helping him get the things he wants out of life. Building a new life here. With all its excitement. Working thoroughly on my music. Getting into the best shape of my life. Finding someone I eventually fall in love with. Buying a house here. Getting married, starting a family.

All of that awaits (hopefully). It isn’t a thought I ever considered in NYC. Not even for a moment. I never stopped and thought I could build a life there.

So, of course it’s the right move. Of course it won’t be easy. And I know I’m hedging my bets saying I’ll try it out for 3 months first (side note—that 3 months is completely arbitrary. I pulled that number out of my ass). But it’s what I want.

I don’t think it’ll be a perfect life. Plenty of challenges and things to gripe about. BUT! It’s the life I want (and possibly/probably a better one).

I loved the time I had in NYC and it made me better in a lot of ways. But it never felt permanent.

75 Medium?

But with most things, it doesn’t have to be a permanent move. Nothing’s permanent. But it does make me pretty excited thinking about everything.

I want to spend some time mapping out the next few months of my life. Figure out what exactly I want to do.

I also think I need to kick start myself into shape. Thinking of modifying 75 Hard with these rules

  • Complete at least one 45 workout

  • Reading at least 10 pages of a non-fiction or self-help book each day

  • Taking a progress photo or weigh weekly

  • Simpler / Maintainable Diet

    • Meat, Fish, Eggs, Vegetables, Fruits, healthier dairy like greek yogurt

    • 2x Cheat Meal / Month

  • No porn

  • Open DAW and listen through at least one song

My Twenties

I’m writing from a cafe (BUNA) in Mexico City. I’m sitting out from the Xochimilco excursion because I’ve tweaked my ankle in the last few days. It’s kind of nice taking it easy after a pretty packed week.

The coffee is delicious, the light comes in beautifully through the open doors. The breeze fills the room and it’s so peaceful watching people walk by with their dogs on these tree lined streets.

In moments like these I feel like I’m coming up for air. It’s so easy and normal to be constantly inundated with distractions and tasks and reminders. Feels nice to completely disconnect.

There are periods in my life where I slow everything down and remember to completely zone out. I hope this upcoming year is full of this.

For the next few pages, I’m going to go year by year to remember / record what happened during my twenties.

2014 & 2015 / Sophomore Year / Dark Days / 20 Years Old

This was my second year in college. My first year had gone ok. I had a few gripes. Having a roommate that went home every weekend to study leaving me a bit lonely (shoutout Vidush—it worked out for him as he went on to grad school at Stanford and a job at Google for the last few years). I also held major gripes about the gender ratio of my freshman floor. I’d imagined college to be a promised land where I’d meet so many people and eventually get a girlfriend. But neither of those things really happened.

My sophomore year was when I hoped to turn it all around. I started the year living with Will T, Brandon and Bill in Martinez.

TLDR this year turned into major depression. I was lonely, unsure of what I was doing with my life. I’d more or less tanked my GPA. I remember thinking life was like a treadmill and I had already messed up and was constantly playing catch up.

Besides Will, I either begrudgingly accepted or actively disliked my roommates and didn’t have the social circle I’d imagined having.

I ended up going to church more often—enticed by the promise of a good social circle and free food. This worked out ok until pressure to “be a good Christian” amped up and I felt coerced instead of enticed.

I had a big crush on a girl in the class above me. Andrea L. We’d met in church and ended up taking the same Astronomy class together. We had an assignment to study stars. She borrowed her sister’s car and offered to give me a ride up the hill to see the stars. As we sat together driving up listening to John Mayer I couldn’t help but think she was absolutely into me. BUT! I was afraid and a bit depressed and said nothing. We drove up, saw the stars, drove down and never dated. Not making a move here was one of my bigger regrets in college, for sure.

Years later Will T came for lunch at my office and dropped the news she’d gotten engaged (actually to another dude at our church!). I sat slightly dazed for a few minutes and I think this was a formative moment in resolving to not let opportunities pass me so easily.

This year I also ended up meeting Chaitanya (along with his roommates Sanjeev and Vivek). Chai ended up being a close friend that I continue to see to this day.

I also had a somewhat disappointing summer internship at a wedding startup (think Airbnb for wedding venues). This was absolutely a step up from my previous summer of data entry (transitioning to web development the last half of the summer) but I was disillusioned with the concept of work. The idea of trading all this time… for what?

One huge highlight (in hindsight) was getting into music production. I’d developed insomnia due to all the stress and stayed up most nights til 4am. During this time I’d walk around the apartment complex like a ghoul waiting to fall asleep. One night I started toying around on my cello playing / composing small melodies. Eventually I wondered if I could make these into real songs and eventually found my way into music production.

2015 & 2016 / Junior Year / The Golden Year / 21 Years Old

The previous year I’d sat with Chai, Sanjeev and Vivek talking about what we’d do the following semester. Harry had mentioned taking an acting class (I think) and on a whim I decided to do that too.

Acting turned out to be incredibly fun. I met a greater variety of people compared to my usual computer science classes. I developed a small crush on a girl named Sophia who was two years above me and looked vaguely like my first crush. After classes ended we were walking together and I asked her to my friend’s party on a whim. She agreed to go with me and…. I did nothing again lmao. Baby steps, I suppose.

A highlight of this year was going to India for a study abroad program (for just a week). Traveling to Visakhapatnam and Hyderabad, making a long term friend in Rosie, getting E Coli. All pretty memorable.

After that trip (and honestly the food poisoning) a lot of things started to click. Immediately after the trip, for whatever reason, I kicked my habits of bingeing tv and watching porn. Maybe I’d been reading a lot of the NoFap subreddit and gotten inspired. I spent a lot of time reading more and hanging out with friends instead of with my devices.

In the immediate aftermath of the food poisoning, I cleaned up my diet too, focusing more on low carb, high protein. I remember making some—in hindsight—disgusting foods. Slow cooking shredded chicken and beans and just eating a mound of that to stay in line with my diet. One memorable night of cooking spaghetti squash with Rosie (and Amy?). I also remember getting mad at Chai for not following my diet instructions (after he’d asked me for advice). A silly episode of arguing in the bread aisle of the grocery store because he wanted to eat more carbs despite me telling him to stop. The diet also led to more exercise. I became a lot more active (and energetic).

This year was a golden year in artistic pursuits as well. One of my most memorable moments was in a Shakespeare class. I’d been assigned Sonnet 66—a Shakespearean sonnet of lamenting at the sorry state of the world. In true Woody fashion, I started off cautiously. More stating / reciting the sonnet instead of actually acting it. On paper, I didn’t want to “overact” it. I thought melodrama here was unnecessary and I’d play it cool and straight. But that didn’t fly. My acting teacher (Chris H—probably the best teacher I’ve had in my life) had me repeat it over and over until I actually felt and performed the emotion. Once I actually performed it, I felt like the floodgates had opened. This is what it felt like to act. To feel the words on the page instead of just reading them. To feel and show emotion instead of fearing how the emotions would be interpreted. What a feeling.

The next few months felt amazing as an actor. I felt like I could do no wrong. And the acting absolutely helped me open up as a person. I never knew why but Chris kept giving me romantic roles. I ended up doing a lot of kiss scenes. At that point a kissless virgin, I was amused and happy to play these roles.

That year I also developed a huge crush on Mimi. I’d first seen her the previous year when I’d gone to the Theater department building to sign up for acting auditions. I’d seen this cute brunette girl and thought nothing much of it besides—wow she’s pretty.

Fast forward a year—we ended up in the same Shakespeare class. In hindsight, I was uncharacteristically bold pursuing her. Our school allowed student led electives and Mimi taught an elective on Shakespeare that semester. I joined wanting to get closer to her. We went in a circle introducing ourselves and what character we identified as. She said she identified as Juliet. When it got to my turn, I looked at her and said I identified as Romeo… good job young Woody.

One day after class, I suggested we go to the bookstore to pick up reading material for our next scenes. She, Michelle and I ended up going together. I remember wishing it was just the two of us so I could talk to her one on one. Luckily Michelle picked up on that and excused herself early so she could go home. As Mimi and I walked back towards campus—each block we passed felt like sand falling through the hour glass. I knew I wanted to ask her out but didn’t know what to say. Finally I turned to her and said I had something to say to her. With trembling lips (truly shocked that I was that affected) I confessed that I’d had a crush on her and wanted to take her out. She said yes!

The next few weeks were emotionally volatile. This was the first girl I’d ever asked out and the first girl I’d ever go on a date with. We had our first date on the grass in front of the student union. I thought it’d gone relatively well and she agreed to go on another date with me. But each time I tried to schedule something she kept saying she was sick. At a certain point I thought she was toying with me and stopped pursuing her.

I think that’s one of my greatest weaknesses (and strengths). The unwillingness to go for broke. To lay it all on the line. I’d been so into this girl, but after just a couple of rescheduled dates, I moved on instead of seeing it through to the end. If I sense that it’s a losing game I won’t even try. This isn’t to say the outcome would have been that different, but I wonder how different of a person I’d be today or how things would have changed if I’d tried a bit harder.

Over the next few years, Mimi and I kept in touch. I remember being pleasantly surprised when she reached out to me years later (2019) when I was living in New York. At that point, I was again too rigid. She’d send voice notes and selfies but I felt too insecure to respond in kind. We ended up reconnecting in London a few years ago (2022) and even kissing but I think at that point it was too little too late.

A couple months after Mimi, I met my first girlfriend Quincy at a dinner for scholarship students. In hindsight, we weren’t a great couple. We had so little in common. But I was pleasantly surprised that she asked me out and I was intrigued that she was blond and pretty and in a sorority and I was pretty inexperienced in dating overall, so it felt like a huge win when we started dating and I wanted to lock that down. We didn’t date long and I dragged out the breakup instead of ripping off the bandaid so I have some regrets there.

Besides getting fit and dating, this year I also declared my major. I was actually kind of late to declare. Most students got it done by Sophomore year but my GPA wasn’t high enough. I had one final chance—my algorithms class. I needed to get at least an A- to reach the GPA requirement to declare. This semester I studied my ass off (and actually enjoyed algorithms). With my best efforts, I eked out an A- and hit the base requirement of a 3.0 to delcare my major. Now that I was officially a Computer Science major, my meal ticket was printed. I spent most of my time afterwards focusing more on acting than my CS courses.

This year my social life bloomed as well. I clicked well with my housemates (Chai, Vidush, Tyler). We’d spend hours playing board games (shoutout Coup) and hosting other friends (Amy, Sanjeev, Rosie, Sam). Between my social life, love life, academic success, and artistic pursuits, everything felt right in the world.

2016 & 2017 / Senior Year / 22 Years Old

A tumultuous year. The summer after my Junior year I interned at a food reservation company in San Francisco. I moved out to Noe Valley to join a house of four as the fourth roommate.

I fell off hard this summer. I felt so lonely being away from my Berkeley friends. I didn’t have much of a social life. The concept of work felt so restrictive / daunting. The idea of spending 8+ hours in a building sitting at a computer and the idea that this would be my life for the next few decades were deeply unsettling.

In my loneliness and disillusionment, I fell off. Stopped working out. Spent days inside home alone. Filled my days with TV and porn. Undid a lot of progress that I felt I’d made in my golden year.

One highlight this Summer was meeting Will W as fellow interns. Our friendship continues strong to this day, though he’s currently in Taiwan.

The disappointment followed me in my return to school. I continued my acting classes and usual activities but I felt like something was missing. It felt like I was waiting for Real Life to start. For us to graduate and move into the real world.

We hung out less as a friend group. My housemates fought more this year.

I may be forgetting something but in hindsight, this year felt like purgatory.

One memorable incident happened right before graduation. I tried to repeat a party trick of sabering a champagne bottle with a kitchen knife. The bottle exploded and a glass shard shredded my thumb. I ended up in the ER and got stitches as well as surgery the next day.

2018 / Young Working Professional / 23 Years Old

Also a bit of a dull year. This year I started my first full time job as a software engineer at a bank. The bank management was convinced we had to invest in higher tech so I was placed on an internal tools team that worked on developing a chatbot for a robot that would live in our IT bar.

What this meant mostly was writing countless if statements anticipating what kinds of questions people would ask the robot.

This also meant a very lax working schedule. Getting into the office around 10, leaving at 4pm.

I lived with Chai this year and our friendship became a bit strained. Living and working at the same office just a couple blocks from our apartment, having mostly the same friend group, we ended up spending so much time together. I wanted more space and time alone.

Though I felt mostly lost, there were some good things to come out of this year. I became much better friends with Andrew L. When we first met I thought he was uptight and didn’t like me much. But that year in San Francisco, we hung out a lot. I also became pretty good friends with Tony from work.

One evening I caught up with Will W and Kelvin at Fang. We hadn’t seen each other for months and we went round in a circle catching up on our lives. When it got to my turn, I realized I didn’t have much to update. It had been months! And yet nothing of note had happened to me.

Around that time I decided to leave my job and explore living in a different city.

I spent a good 2-3 months studying Leetcode and landed a job at a food delivery company in NYC.

2019 / New Jork / 24 Years Old

I started the year with a fresh move to New York City. In contrast to the dull year I had before, I was excited to explore a new city—one of the greatest cities in the world.

I resolved to make tons of new friends, do tons of new things, build the exciting new life that I wanted to live… But work got in the way.

That ended up being one of the most stressful jobs of my career. Partly due to not having much experience from my job before, party due to passive aggressively feuding with my manager.

I learned a lot that year. A major lesson was to ask for help. I had a deep pride that I could help myself and didn’t need to ask for help. But instead of flailing alone I should have reached out. In my defense, it wasn’t an easy team to ask for help. Others were pretty stressed due to deadlines and team culture.

I ended that year with an ultimatum from my manager—find a new team or leave the company. I definitely considered the latter many nights. But ultimately switched to a different team.

One upside to this year was reconnecting with Sherry. Harry’s old crush from Summer camp years ago that I saw on Tinder and decided to reach out to. We came pretty good friends.

I also did make a lot of friends at work. Probably the side effect of working in the trenches together but we spent a lot of time together. Jess W, Daniel L, Justin, Naveed, Chris, Chynna. Unfortunately I no longer speak to any of these people… I could chalk it up to having been just work friends but who knows.

I kept up with some music production. I did a couple open mics this year, but mostly work got in the way.

I also dated Aydan pretty soon after I got to the city. A classic situationship that went on / off / on through the year. In hindsight, I regret keeping her at arm’s length. Despite it being a situationship I wish I’d made more effort to connect with her. I don’t think we took any photos together. I fell into the classic NYC male pattern of 1. wanting to date around as much as possible 2. thinking I could probably do better.

2020 / Pandemmy / 25 Years Old

Everyone—me included—was so excited for 2020. Then the pandemic hit.

Books will probably be written about the pandemic experience. For me, it was pretty uneventful.

I switched teams at work and work got so much better. Worked for one of my favorite bosses of all time and got a promotion. I never grew to love the work but found contentment and satisfaction in building stuff.

I split my time between NYC and California. I did a lot of edibles. I gained a good amount of weight.

I dated Cara for a bit. But ended things with the idea of potentially going back to California for the pandemic.

Mostly an uneventful year.

Could I have done things differently? Maybe. Some people had amazing times during the pandemic. Or they used that time getting pretty ripped. Or found the love of their life. Or learned a new skill.

But back then, things were stressful. Not knowing when or how the pandemic would end. Looking back it’s actually an insane thing to go through and I’m surprised I spent so much time alone.

2021 / Recovery / 26 Years Old

I started this year feeling socially stunted. Didn’t know how to interact with people. I spent the first few months socializing post pandemic.

Also not the most eventful year. But there were some highlights.

I did a cross country train trip with Harry. I remember marveling at how beautiful the USA was in some of its most remote parts. I also remember taking a number of edibles and sleeping uncomfortably with a mask on the train.

I did a solo trip through Portugal and London. Portugal was beautiful and I made some friends there. In London I reconnected with Mimi.

Will and Kelvin moved to New York and I spent much more time with them.

2022 / Growth / 27 Years Old

At this point, roughly two years out of the pandemic, I wanted to do more with my life. I’d moved to NYC for a reason! And yet, due to the pandemic I hadn’t done much.

I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to make music. I wanted to act. So why was I sitting with my thumb up my ass doing nothing?

This year I threw everything at the wall hoping something would stick. I did everything

  • Joined a choir

  • Started playing volleyball

  • Got a physical trainer

  • Started doing improv

  • Joined a sewing class

  • Got back into making music (and released song songs, finally)

Maybe it was pent up energy from the pandemic, but I wanted desperately to live! To feel like I was living to the best of my abilities.

It was not easy. I remember having a slight breakdown after choir feeling I’d been a fool. That despite having joined, I hadn’t done as much as I could have. Purposely sidelining myself instead of trying my best. I felt like New York was a blender, squeezing energy and emotions out of me til I was a husk. I remember Chaitya and Saad being there for me as I vented.

But things got better. And in hindsight I’m so grateful and proud to have pushed myself outside of my comfort zone in these different ways.

My love life was a bit lackluster. I had a crush on a friendquaintance Linda and actually tried to take her on a date. We had a first date that I thought went well but when I asked her for a second, she declined. We talked about staying friends but at some point I got ghosted and was too prideful to double text. Not sure if things would have made a difference either way? About a year later she replied to one of my IG stories but I was dating someone and decided not to respond.

I did a trip to Edinburgh and to London again where I saw Mimi. We met in a park and caught up. As we were leaving she made a joke about being too heavy, and I made a joke about being able to lift her. She leapt into my arms (surprisingly with her face facing me and her legs wrapped around me). What choice did I have but to kiss her? After all those years it felt like vindication(?) but it was also a bit underwhelming. Maybe because we were both sleep deprived or maybe the timing was wrong. We met up the following day but nothing more came out of it.

2023 / Continued Growth / 28 Years Old

It may be recency bias but 2023 felt like a big year.

I started that year dating Aastha, who’d asked me out at the end of 2022. I was flattered and thought I should give it a try but ultimately wasn’t interested. Maybe it’s because I’ve heard time and time again from my parents that the guy should chase the girl and the girl should be chased, but it didn’t stick.

Pretty soon after that I got interested in Christina and tried to make that work but that also didn’t stick :’). The good news was I was actually trying instead of sitting on the sidelines. The whole sidelining idea really stuck with me. The bad news was maybe I gave up too early? If I was so interested, why not go on a limb. Wait to see how things turned out instead of giving up and ending things so early?

I went on a number of dates that season but ultimately met Karin, who I ended up dating for almost nine months. This was a weird relationship. I thought she was super cute and tried my best to keep seeing her. She was hard to get but ultimately came around but kept me at arm’s length knowing she’d likely leave the country at the end of the year.

She did tell me a couple months in that she’d be leaving and gave me a window to end things but it was hard to end things then so we kept seeing each other.

Outside of dating, I focused on my health. Eating much better (thanks to my company’s stocked salad bar), continued seeing my trainer, took up boxing.

I started doing musical improv.

I also started a new job at a music streaming company.

2024 / Where Next / 29 Years Old

Having done a whole recap on this past year, I don’t have too much to add on.

I started the year pretty fresh from the breakup. A couple months later I went to Sweden for work where I developed a random and strong crush on someone I met there. But she lived in Europe and I was here and ultimately it led to nothing. I did try to follow up but I think I’m not the greatest at flirting, also not the best at sustaining conversation over text.

In the months to follow I went on a couple dates but nothing serious. I met Tara in August and we burned intensely for a few months but ultimately couldn’t sustain the flame. As of now I feel ok about it and hope there isn’t too much pain there (especially when I return to NYC).

The other notable achievement was releasing MORE SONGS! My current magnum opus Waltzin—a song that I listen to and marvel that I was able to make it more or less by myself.

I tried to leave NYC for LA but ended up coming back to NYC. Life is not so straightforward.

I also started going to therapy on a weekly basis. That’s been an interesting sometimes useful, sometimes frustrating experience.

Reflections

It’s interesting to see my past decade laid out like this. It feels like it passed by so quickly. It feels simultaneously like a lot has happened and not much has happened.

I look back on the earlier part of the decade with fondness and nostalgia. Less so on the latter part. I wonder if that’s because time makes memories look better over time or those years really just were better.

In any case, I’ve had a pretty happy and content life. I’m blessed with an amazing family, pretty great friends, good hobbies, and a decent love life so far.

I’ve been described and considered myself a restless person. This is a double edged sword. It’s a tether that keeps me chasing after the unknown, a driving force that reminds me to become a better person despite countless failures. But it also keeps me from appreciating what I have at the present. Scanning the horizon for something better instead of looking directly at what’s in front of me.

I started this decade pretty unsure of myself. Then I found myself as thing clicked into place—acting, health, social life, self esteem. Then, I lost myself for a bit—disillusionment with work life, pandemic. Now I’m somewhere in the middle.

Life will always swing back and forth. Consistency is the hardest thing to achieve in either direction (well maybe it’s easier to consistently let yourself go).

I find myself rushing towards the unknown future while lamenting the pace at which life passes by me. What a pothole.

At times I throw my hands up in exasperation, feeling like I’m treading water but getting nowhere. Then I realize that I know exactly what I need to do to improve my life (get less addicted to the distractions of the world, be healthier, focus on relationships, focus on my interests, don’t be afraid to reach out, don’t be afraid to go out of your comfort zone). But then I realize it’s not easy to juggle everything. That it’s easy to forget the truths you know and fall down to your base.

But ultimately, slowing down and reflecting PROBABLY is a silver bullet. Carving out that time to think about what you want and where you are in your life and where you want to head to.

Embracing the quiet instead of floating aimlessly in the noise.

My Takeaways

  • Reach failure. Go out on a limb.

    • I’ve been so afraid of failure without admitting or realizing it at times. So afraid of the embarrassment and ridicule of true rejection that I stop myself from the edge. But I’m curious what that looks like. To push yourself to the point of failure, to see if you can burst through to the other side.

    • I have such a strong instinct to avoid going over the edge. This is useful in most cases, but counterproductive when it comes to going over the edge towards good things.

      • My therapist might ask what is a good thing vs what is a bad thing. But generally, you know. Drugs, crime, etc. BAD!!! Going out of your comfort zone, reaching out towards people you want in your life, instilling better habits, etc. GOOD!!!

      • Why overcomplicate your life?

  • See everything as a potential opportunity. Anything could happen but nothing will happen if you close yourself off.

    • The best times of my life have coincided with a feeling of openness towards the world. Easier said than done. It takes a degree of security and self esteem to convince yourself to open up to the world. The conviction that you will be ok doing this and if shit hits the fan, you will still be ok.

    • But this seems to be the point (or one of the points) of living—connecting with the world and other people and growing.

  • Environment and the people you’re with matter a lot.

  • Don’t sit on the sidelines

    • In my past decade, I’ve felt the most shame and regret in putting myself on the sideline due to fear or embarrassment or self preservation. Please please please live your life! The time you have will be gone in an instant (even as I write this myself I know this in my head but not as much in my heart).

  • Try your best but don’t judge others when they don’t (or can’t)

    • One of my greatest faults is how restrictive I can be to other people. I have a high bar of expectations because I expect a lot out of myself.

    • BUT! This gets in the way sometimes. I should give chances and be graceful towards others.

    • I think this stems from insecurity. The idea that I have to surround myself with the best people to get ahead in life, so when people fall short of my expectations, that reflects on me.

    • If I truly were living at the best of my abilities, I’m pretty sure I’d feel this judgement less.

Feels good to get it out on paper. Not sure of what’s to come but in this moment I want

  • To move to LA and build a life to last here

  • Really put in effort to stay in touch with friends

  • Focus on my health and diet. Transition to eating more whole foods (meat, fish, vegetables, fruit) and cut down on the carbs.

  • Open up to the world

  • Spend time on the things I truly want to do instead of spending too much time on time wasters

Turning 30 / 2024 Recap

I’m writing from Oxnard. A lot’s happened in these last few weeks. Celebrating turning thirty, coming back to California for a bit and most importantly breaking up Tara.

I spent most of last week getting ready to turn 30 and getting ready to come back to LA. Went to Manhatta with Tara, got hotpot with my work friends, and hired a sailboat on Friday but the captain hurt his leg and that was canceled.

In hindsight, I wish I’d done a bigger event. I could have mustered the energy (and the courage) to send out invites to everyone and hosted a larger thing but

  1. I was too tired. I’d felt like I’d spread myself thin over the last few weeks / months and didn’t want to plan anything

  2. It might have been easier if I had my own place to host at afterwards but since I was living in a sublet with roommates it felt like more of a hassle than not.

The night before I left for California, it felt like Tara and I had different expectations of each other. I didn’t think it’d really work out in the long run so we called it quits.

I haven’t really sat down to think much of the break up. But I really had some amazing times with her. It’s wild and sad to see how amazing I felt at the beginning (literally spending hours on the sofa listening to music in a daze over how happy I felt) and how much tension I felt towards the end. I suppose towards the end it wasn’t terrible. I could have found ways to be happy in the long run. But it felt unsustainable. I don’t like to admit it, but too much effort. And I kept wondering whether something “right” should constantly feel like so much work.

It’s also interesting that these changes felt like they happened pretty soon after we became a couple (vs dating a bit more casually). Maybe it felt like more responsibility, higher stakes? We put too much pressure upon our selves and each other because we were official.

A part of me has no regrets. A smaller part of me wonders if I lack the maturity and flexibility that would have made this work. But I either way I put in good effort so I have no large regrets.

I’m sure being away from NYC has taken my mind off things a lot. Being close to family helps. But I feel fine for now.

The day after I arrived, the four of us were supposed to get dinner at Intercrew but Harry got sick so Dad and I went to Kura sushi while Mom looked after Harry. On a sidenote: I truly love revolving sushi. Probably a top five dining experience for me. Kura had great food and gave a little sushi keychain as a toy to keep afterwards.

The day after on the official birthday, with Harry more recovered, we got lunch at Sun Nong Dan where I had the best galbi jjim in my life. We spent the rest of the day in Koreatown and got dinner at Louders. Pretty good day overall.

In the midst of the travel, the hangouts, the breakup and the birthday, I haven’t reflected that much on turning thirty. But now that the moment has come and gone, I feel good. Another hump successfully handled. I’ll write a longer post about the past decade where I’ll reflect on everything more deeply but I’m satisfied with how it went. I did what I could and I could have done better but I could have done way way worse. So I’m satisfied.

2024 Recap

  • Winter

    • I started this winter with a breakup. Karin was leaving for Indonesia so we decided to end it instead of doing long distance. We did a final trip to Montauk and broke up soon after taht

    • Immediately after I went to Will’s 30th birthday in Merida. I remember having mixed feelings about going but ultimately felt much better after the trip.

    • Dad also came to visit me in NYC.

    • I decided to jump straight into activities to take my mind off the break up. Dove head first into

      • Musical Improv

      • Producing my EP

      • Volleyball

      • Volunteering at the library recording studio

      • Started a poker group!

  • Spring

    • I went to Sweden for work

    • I released my EP!

      • This turned out to be one of the most gratifying things I did this year. I know I produce music at a turtle’s pace and that AI is coming to wreck everything BUT I did everything myself!

    • I ended up spending a lot more time with David.

      • I remember the first two times I met him. The first time was at a potluck at Heidi’s house. I remember thinking he was almost definitely in it to meet women. He had that vibe to him I guess. I didn’t talk to him too much but we talked in some of the same circles

      • The second time I met him was at another party at Pearl’s house. I don’t know exactly why but I had a feeling that I wanted to 1. be more open with people 2. help people. We ended up talking and bonding over 1. our recent breakups 2. the grind of creating music in my case and videos in his case. I offered to help him with project stuff if he wanted it and from then on we became good friends.

        • I think this was roughly around the time I watched Frieren (tbh I didn’t even like it that much and I didn’t finish the series) but I was struck by this feeling that it’d be nice to help people).

      • I’m actually genuinely surprised / happy about this. I’ve definitely made a good number of friends here but far fewer close friends. And it feels good to have made a close friend in the most random of circumstances.

  • Summer

    • I worked with Ricky to take some photos / shoot video to promo my songs! Honestly, I don’t think they did much to boost the listenership but I remember feeling so outside my comfort zone in a good way.

      • The lip sync videos here killlled me. Blasting music in front of a crowd of people filming lip syncs while trying to make it look like I didn’t care. Damn, what an embarrassing feeling. But I interpreted the embarrassment to be a good thing since it’s so infrequent that I push myself out my comfort zone like that.

    • Asia trip

      • Tokyo with Mom and Dad. Would have been nice if Harry came but I think he was starting his new job and didn’t want to take vacation?

      • Korea after that. Saw family and visited my maternal grandpa’s gravesite. I never knew him (met him maybe three times in my life since he was estranged from the family) but he was a medical officer in the Korean military so he got a pretty nice gravesite.

      • Taiwan to hang with Kristy and Will

    • Late summer I hosted a house cooling to catch up with my friends. At that point I thought I’d be leaving for California so I saw it almost as a farewell. But then I ended up meeting Tara right before my lease was up + work had some concerns about me leaving for the west coast so I decided to ride it out in NYC and see how things went with Tara.

  • Fall

    • Many trips this season

    • Went to Vermont with Tara. We both thought it might be a bit risky having only known each other for a little over a month but it turned out to be one of the best trips.

    • Went to the Catskills with some old and new faces: Kelvin, Tim, Susan, Junseo, Mary, Audrey

    • Went back to the Poconos a couple weeks after that with Tara. In contrast, this one felt a bit more strained. I think work had been ramping up and that had uncovered some compatibility issues in how much space I / she wanted.

    • In the midst of these trips, I went to Rockaway beach with Tim and David. A random memory but such a pleasant day. I remember on that trip we talked about what our “perfect day” would look like—all of which involved some variation of waking up with a beautiful woman in an exotic location and spending time with your friends.

      • That day was a near perfect day. The weather, the friends, the laziness with which we moved that day. I started in Williamsburg, went to Rockaway for beach and drinks, ate hotpot and KBBQ in DTBK and ended the night walking in DUMBO.

    • Said farewell to William who was moving to Taiwan for a couple weeks

    • Went to Vancouver with the fam and road tripped to Banff. It happened to snow this trip and this was one of the most beautiful, scenic trips I’ve been on in a while

    • Lastly went to SF with Tara to accompany her on her work trip. We ended up fighting in Napa but the drive back to SF and flight back to NYC were very pleasant

      • I think that contributed to my confusion. The tumultuous nature of our relationships. The higher peaks and the lower valleys and how it’d toggle between the two.

    • In hindsight, I did a LOT this season. No wonder I felt more tired and busy in the last few months than ever before.

And now I’m here. Writing from Oxnard.

2024 Reflections

Here’s the list of my goals I wrote at the start of 2024.

Of these I mostly met or met:

  • Hire a singing teacher

  • Release EP

  • Visit old friends (Sherry in London, Andrew in NYC, Kristy in Taiwan)

  • Host an event

    • I aimed for 12x but I think I did closer to 6x but still a pretty good success rate imo

  • Plan 30th birthday

    • Would have been nice to do a big bash but at least I got friends together for the occasion and we’re also going to Mexico City soon

  • Plan Dad’s 60th

    • We celebrated in Vancouver for his lunar birthday and I also flew back to surprise him for his actual birthday

Missed more on

  • Audition for an acting role

  • Produce a show

  • Cross country road trip

  • Curb my internet addiction

    • This one is kind of a win. I have seasons where I do well and seasons where I don’t

2025 Goals

This is more of a mind barf vs something I’ve sat down and meditated on for weeks. In this moment, for 2025:

  • Settle back in California (or at least sublet and decide for sure I don’t want to move here)

  • Date seriously. Maybe even find someone I could one day get married to

    • This is somewhat out of my control but I’ll do what I can.

  • Health

    • Implement a healthier food prep situation where I cook the majority of meals at home.

    • Consistently exercise throughout the year.

  • Deliver on my house music project: Dance Inc.

    • Release an EP along with visuals generated in Unreal Engine

  • If I decide to move to LA — build a life

    • Daily / Weekly routine

    • Social life

      • A sports activity, an artistic activity, a community activity

  • One month working remotely in a far flung place

    • As long as I work remotely, I want to have a yearly routine of picking a remote location and working remotely. See what the world has to offer

  • Find an alternative stream of income

    • I actually enjoy my job more now but I don’t see myself doing this work forever

    • I also realize that I’m probably spoiled in that I don’t understand how hard it is to make money in other ways.

    • But I want to try to make other money somehow. Maybe become more of a hustler vs sitting on my ass

2024 Takeaways

Kind of a strange, uncertain year. Maybe there’s some recency bias with the break up. But beyond that I lived with one foot in, one foot out. Uncertain of whether I’d stay in NYC or venture back to California to build a life here.

I don’t like uncertainty. For better or worse, I’ve always been the kind of person to know exactly what I want in any given moment. Some would call that a leadership trait. Others would call that inflexibility.

In any case, this year was more about living in that gray area. Trying to be more flexible. Trying to be more open with what the world had to offer.

On Doing Things

I built more upon the confidence I gained in my years living in NYC. There was a time when I was anxious about so much. Joining volleyball or taking singing lessons or putting out music. But I got to a point where these things come more or less with ease. This year alone I did many things that were or are outside my comfort zone

  • Hire a singing teacher

  • Musical improv

  • Release music

  • Host listening parties

  • Organize a poker group

  • Ask out a girl IRL

  • Film a somewhat humiliating lip sync video to promote my song

  • Film a somewhat embarrassing (but fun) Tik Tok dance to Espresso with David

I’ve walked away with a keener sense that life is over in a BLIP! and I’d rather do things I want to do vs wasting time wondering whether I should do it or not.

On Friendships

The harder parts of living (and the most rewarding) are related to other people. Having the vulnerability to pursue and care for other people even if you might get rejected. I did better on that in 2024. Both in terms of pursuing friends and pursuing relationships.

I was much better about reaching out to people and organizing events (listening parties, house cooling, etc.). I was more vulnerable about pursuing friendships. I remember meeting up with Junseo after a couple months not seeing each other and I felt so grateful that he’d reached out but also kind of guilty that I hadn’t put in the effort. Towards the end of the hang out I told him I appreciated being able to catch up and that I’d put in more effort into the relationship and reach out more often. He joked a bit about it feeling like a date but I think the message got across.

I’ve done better in reaching out. I’ve also realized that grander gestures are not always required but smaller things like messaging when you think of them is useful too.

On Romantic Relationships

In terms of romantic relationships I did what I could too. After Karin left I took some time before dating again. Around August I was somewhat sure I’d be leaving NYC and decided I wanted a final fling. So I went on a couple Hinge and CMB dates. But then I met Tara.

I did everything in my power to see her again. I remember the night after we first met, I was a little hesitant to reach out to her on IG but ultimately figured I had nothing to lose. After that I invited her to my office to hang out and jam together. And that night, luckily, David had invited me to bachata and I asked her to join. So, all in all, it was relatively painless getting together but I never would have gotten anywhere if I hadn’t taken that first step.

Despite it ending, I’m still pretty glad I took that initiative and I want to keep being that kind of person that takes risks for what I want despite rejection or humiliation.

I realized some more obvious things too. In this year and last year.

  • Don’t try to fix your girl’s problem. Just listen to her and be there for her

  • Keep putting in effort. In hindsight, a date night that I’d organize on a weekly basis might have been good for us

  • Don’t be afraid to show you like her. Maybe it’s a holdover from our high school crush days but WHY is it so hard to show that sometimes.

    • Tbh I felt this less with Tara but it’s something I still want to remember

  • Everything is relative. What might be insane between one couple might be right for another couple.

    • I felt this a lot. In my engineer brain I thought it’d be so simple if there was one right answer. One correct, simple solution. 1 + 1 = 2. You should text x times a day for optimal relationship. You should see her y times a week to keep things at its peak. But that doesn’t perfect solution doesn’t exist and everything is relative.

On Health

I missed a bit on health. A part of that, naturally, is dating weight. But a larger part of the picture was a lack of discipline and routine. I’m 30 now. In my late twenties I figured I’d get it together by 30. That time is now.

I made some efforts here. I hired a nutritionist. I calorie tracked my diet for some time. I made a pact with David that I’d exercise regularly through the week. It’s not like I’m particularly unhealthy, but I don’t feel that healthy either.

On the mental health front, I hired a therapist. Therapy alternates between feeling like a waste of time and money to feeling very insightful but ultimately, I learned a bit of how to handle my emotions better. Maybe a larger lesson here is to not invalidate my own feelings too often and to take time to process instead of being instantly reactive.

On Time

The older I get the quicker it goes. The biggest and truest cliche of all T I M E. As you get older you really need to figure out what matters to you because you run into the hard truth that

you can’t have everything

The older you get, the more you have to give up to focus on the things that really really matter to you.

But on the other hand, don’t feel too frantic with time. Above all else, enjoy it.

Best of 2024

  • Best Restaurants - There were no huge standouts.

    • Sun Nong Dan

      • Some recency bias here since I just went but the galbi jjim was amazing

    • Manhatta

      • The view and the food worked harmoniously

    • Soothr

      • Finally tried it. The egg curry was pretty good.

    • Burgers at Au Cheval / Nowon

      • This year I went on a burger tour. I ate at Minetta Tavern, Au Cheval, Red Hook Tavern, Nowon. These two were the best for me.

  • Best Books - Most of my reading this year involved reading about relationships. I also admit that I read a lot less this year

    • On Love by Alain de Botton

      • I re-read this this year. I actually borrowed the book from Helen years ago and forgot about it until I started dating again this year.

    • Never Can Say Goodbye by Sari Botton

      • I read this in the months leading up to the end of my lease. I thought I’d be leaving NYC at that point and wanted to read stories about NYC.

    • Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller

      • I re-read this this year too. Super useful and resonated a lot.

    • Tbh I read other books this year but these were the stand outs.

  • Best TV / Movies

  • Best Video Games

    • Marvel Rivals

      • Been playing a ton with Harry. Reminds me of the old Overwatch days

    • Factorio

      • Played a lot but kind of bored with it now.

  • Best Music - started listening to a lot more house music this year

    • GEE LEE

      • As I produce house music I keep listening to him for inspiration

    • Knock2

      • Usually disliked this aggressive music but I really really liked dashstar* - VIP

    • Wave to Earth

      • Listened to them a lot more this year. Love Bad

    • Dhruv

      • Also got into him for the first time this year

Here We Are Once More / Busy Bee

Though we! Took a! Detour! Here we are once more!

Another full week back in NYC. It felt like a pretty good period (somewhat boring but I guess that’s expected) of settling back into a routine.

I’ve decided to be a little more mature about my lifestyle and wake up early. I caught up with Andrew and he seemed surprised that I was waking up at 845am (though I thought that was a somewhat reasonable time already). To be fair, the days are getting short and I could definitely use more sunlight. Lately the sun sets around 5pm!!!

So I’m hoping that by waking at 745 I’ll have enough time to get some jump roping in (get the blood pumping) or have time to produce.

I think I’m also on this lifestyle audit grind because I’m currently re-reading Atomic Habits with Harry.

A quick recap of the week so far.

Monday
Tara cooked dinner for me! Shrimp pasta and broccolini (served with a really delicious greek yogurt sauce) with a homemade matcha tiramisu.

Tuesday
Back into volleyball. I think the last few months I felt so much busier with work and dating Tara but now the dust is settling and I’m slowly getting back into a routine. We ended up winning the game 2 to 1. I was sore for days afterwards.

Wednesday
Did my book club with Harry. Also went into the office for the first time in weeks. Pretty fun catching up with friends and joining choir.

Thursday
Also went into the office to catch up with Steve. After work, met up with Kelvin at a new udon place and got a quick drink at Sake Bar Decibel. Watched an improv show with Tara afterwards at UCB. Two actors from 30 Rock were doing the show. Felt like seeing old friends I hadn’t seen in decades

Friday
Worked at Tara’s office. After work, her coworkers hosted a jam at their music room and I sang a few songs there too. Squeezed in a quick session of golf at Chelsea Piers. Hung out at Tara’s place afterwards and went to her friend’s house party later that night.

Saturday
Volunteering at the studio in the morning. Laid in bed tired from the night before. Met up with Tim for tennis. Met up with Jason and Nicole for dinner. Laid in bed some more.

Sunday
I sit at a cafe writing right now. Meeting up with Tara later to go to Red Hook Tavern for burgers.

I’m busier than ever. In a good way I think. Before (last few weeks) I felt overwhelmed and exhausted but now I’m making sure to carve out time for myself. I also think the exercise and better life routine (e.g. waking up / sleeping better) will give me more energy to sustain my pace.

I’m reminded of in Tony Hawk where you’re grinding on a rail and you have to keep adjusting to make sure you don’t topple over. Feels that way where I’m either too free (and bored) or too busy (and exhausted) and I have to keep making adjustments so I don’t fall one way or another.

Vancouver / Halloween / Back to NYC

It is five am. I’m laying in darkness as I’ve been trying to fall asleep for the past hour. Harry’s snoring woke me up (I don’t blame him though) and I haven’t been able to sleep since.

I think it was good that I woke up. I woke up with a lot of thoughts running through my mind. The mid night clarity hit hard and it feels good to have thought some things through.

Life moves so so so quickly lately. Part of me marvels (with some panic) at the rate it’s all passing by. The logical side of me wonders whether I can logistically maneuver my way into a slower life.

I’m pretty sure I can. I think back to Dunbar in catch 22 who would purposely do things he hated to prolong his sense of time. I don’t agree with that but I think he was on to something.

This blog also is a way of slowing time down. Preserving snapshots of who I was and what I experienced during periods of my life’s. The highs and lows and everything in between. All the wonderful people I met and all the amazing places I’ve been. I sound so sentimental right now but I guess it’s fitting given HOW QUICK IT ALL GOES!!!

I don’t know if it’s the passage of time or a biological thing but life all seems to blur together lately. Maybe it’s because when you’re young everything’s new. Literally you’re doing so many things for the first time.

At my age and beyond you start to run out of firsts, which can be a little sad if you accept it at face value. Or you can rage against the walls closing in and create new things to experience / enjoy.

Writing now from my basement room in Long Island City. I landed last Friday. Went to Tara’s band show Saturday afternoon, Matt’s Halloween party Saturday night and finally home now.

I must have made the trip between LA and NY at least fifteen times in the last six years. Weird to reflect that I’ve been in this city for so long. Also weird to reflect how quickly life can change.

Even just four months ago, I was all ready to leave. To put a stamp on the end of my time in NY and start building a life in LA.

Now it’s November, I’m in NY indefinitely and I also have a girlfriend on top of that.

I am pretty happy overall. I think lately I just need to slow time down. And that’s mostly a matter of better time management than anything else.

I want to spend time with Tara, spend time with my friends and spend time alone. Also work out 3-4 times a week. The rest should follow.

I’m also at the tail end of my 10 days off work. The Monday blues approach.

I think the best I can do at this phase of my life is to build a life where I feel more in control instead of feeling like it’s all passing by me. They say that after thirty your time goes even faster. With more responsibilities, family matters, etc.

I want to be ready for all that.

Besides that, for the past week I’ve been traveling with family from Vancouver to Banff. One of the best family trips to date. The older I get the more I realize

  1. How rare it is for our family to get along so well with each other.

  2. How (potentially) fleeting these times will be in the future. And how all of it should be appreciated as so

Man maybe I’m just in a sentimental mood lately but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all passing by so quickly.

Anyways, super fun. Beautiful scenery. Can’t wait to do something like this again.

Klouds Pre release / New friends / Old Friends

Somewhat standard week. I’ve been getting ready for my Asia trip. Also been prepping for my new song releasing on 6/10.

To that end I’ve been doing more photo/video stuff. Made a tiktok with my new Youtuber friend David. Also did a little photoshoot with my new photographer friend Richie. After having worked on my EP alone for so long it’s pretty fun to make stuff with other people.

I have a few other collaborations planned.

  • Working on a song with another new friend Sam

  • Planning a photoshoot for one of my upcoming singles with my photographer friend Jessica

  • Commissioning album art from my artist friend Glo

Pretty excited. It’s also cool that I’ve met so many different people from different groups. E.g.

  • David I met at a potluck for Asian American artists

  • Richie I met while volunteering at the NY Public Library’s recording studio program

  • Sam I met through a musical improv class

  • Jess I met at work

  • And Glo and I go way back from work two jobs ago

I think that’s a testament to the energy and variety of living in NYC. But it’s also because I’ve explored a lot of random things during my time here.

New Friends / Old Friends??

Lately I’ve been feeling that it’s hard to sustain friendships. It may be a NY specific thing since there are so many people here, but it’s hard to choose between meeting new people and maintaining/growing the friendships you currently have.

I also think there’s an element of vulnerability in growing a new friendship that doesn’t come easily to me. Reaching out week after week to a brand new person in the hopes that this friendship will last. But it feels like the right thing to do. Something to get better at.

The good part of meeting so many people is you get a sense somewhat quickly whether you vibe with someone or not. Instead of getting distracted by every new potential friendship that comes along—maybe it’s more important to lean into the friends you vibe with the most.

Anyways, I’m glad to get back into the swing of writing.

Some other highlights since I last wrote

  • Went to Murray Hill with David, Candace, Won, and Sarah. We went to Myung San to try their raw marinated crab. Tbh a little underwhelmed. The crabs were hard shelled and not easy to eat. The marinade was saltier when I prefer it to be a little sweeter. The gopchang here was pretty good though and fun hang overall. We all went to Land to Sea afterwards to check out one of their friend’s zine launch

  • Watched a Second City show with Ben. First part of the show was notably bad but they had a great redemption arc and by the end of the show it totally felt like a proper SECOND CITY show.

  • Took a DJ class. My company has a DJ club where some coworkers give lessons on how to DJ.

  • Double header volleyball team. Won 5/6 games. Feels good 😎

  • Biked from LIC to the Bronx with Chaitya and Richie. Perhaps because I haven’t worked out while sick but my body was wrecked by the return trip.

Hello Again

I haven’t written for a long time. I’ve missed it.

A quick recap of the last few months. In the wake of a breakup at the beginning of the year, I resolved to be SUPER busy.

  • I started playing volleyball again.

  • I did another musical improv class.

  • Volunteered at church

  • Volunteered at the library

  • I dedicated a couple hours every day to finishing and releasing the new EP

And then a couple months ago (March) I finished the EP and things have gotten less busy since then.

Some highlights in between January and now (late May):

  • Went to Sweden for work! Beautiful city. Nice people. Definitely want to go back (and see the northern lights). I also hear the viking ship museum is a must see

pizza burek—so good I ate it twice in during my week in Stockholm

  • On the way back I swung by London to hang out with Rupert and Sherry. Always a pleasure to see both of them

  • Multiple improv shows! The new musical improv class I did was great and all of us got along well. We’ve formed a team out of it and will perform in a comedy festival in August

  • Dad came to visit NYC! It had been a couple years since he last visited so it was cool to see him in my home city

  • Silly lil thing but I won a baking competition that Saad and Chaitya hosted at their apartment! Tbf I only went against two competitors in my division but a win is a win

  • Went back to LA for a bit. I remember wanting to be at home relaxing on a hammock doing nothing all week but Mom and Dad ended up selling the house the week I was back so it was a lot of errands.

    • Harry and I spent a couple days in Ktown exploring LA a bit more. That was fun

    • Also spent a day in Gardena with Tony and Annie. That was great too. Beach day and hit up some great restaurants (Waka Sakura for conveyer sushi and Holbox for delicious Mexican food)

  • Andrew came to visit right when I got back to NYC. Was super fatigued while he was here but I’m glad we got to catch up in person.

  • Rosie also visited NYC and we caught up for the first time in years. So cool seeing her in person after so long.

I’m skipping over so much but alas that’s the price of not writing for the past ~5 months. I think that may have been the longest I’ve gone without posting.

Current Day

At this point in my life, here’s what I’m focused on:

  • Dropped a new song (Waltzin by Lostinthewoodz) on Spotify!

    • One of the best and favorite songs I’ve made in my life. Granted, I spent YEARS figuring this out but I’m so so so happy that I finally finished it and released it.

  • Just did a launch party for having finished my EP. Was super cool having so many different groups mixing and mingling and listening to my music. I hosted it at my apartment and kept the group on the smaller side since I wasn’t sure how much space I’d have but I can definitely fit in more. I took some videos and hope to put together a blog at some point

  • I continue to focus on music and rolling out the EP over the few months

  • I’m living a much less busy life. I think I did what I had to do to a.) finish my EP and b.) not be too sad after breaking up but I definitely burned out a little towards the end.

  • Getting ready for an upcoming Asia trip.

  • Trying to stay active still with volleyball and I joined the softball team as well

  • Went to my first therapist appointment. After getting some advice / resources from Alyssa I decided to check it out to see how it would help me manage stress, loneliness, and improve my relationships. Excited to see where this goes!

  • As my lease is coming to an end (end of August) I contemplate leaving NYC and checking out LA for a bit. Just to test the waters. Be closer to family.

    • The thought of being close to family brings me joy. I also think if I’m going to move there in the long run I want to establish my social circle in LA before people start settling down and starting families and get too busy for friends

    • But the thought of leaving NYC behind for good scares and saddens me

    • I wonder if I can have the best of both worlds where I’m in LA during the Winter / Summer and in NYC during Spring and Summer. I know one thing for sure—I will NOT be alone in NYC next winter. What a brutal season and setting to be in NYC. Dark, cold and lonely…

I hope to keep updating the blog more regularly. I think writing and reflecting here has made my life feel richer and fuller. Reflecting more on what I’ve done / the life I’ve lived makes time seem to move slower

A Good Thing Comes to An End / Will’s 30th in Merida / Post Mexico

The last few weeks have been very eventful.

A Good Thing Comes to An End

Knowing that our time together was coming to an end, Karin and I spent a lot of time together.

  • The night after I arrived in New York we met up in UWS at Flor de Mayo.

    • Tried lomo saltado for the first time and realizing it was so heavily influenced by Chinese cuisine.

  • We met up at Raising Cane’s later that week and watched the Harry Potter musical.

    • The Harry Potter musical was way way better than expected tbh. I tagged along just because Karin was so excited to go (and she got lottery tix) but I was pleasantly surprised

  • We drove out to Montauk

    • Saw a big road side duck

    • Walked around the lighthouse

    • Went to a casino (Jake’s 58—would not recommend)

    • Got hotpot at Spring Shabu Shabu (loved it)

  • Final day walking from LIC to Williamsburg

    • Stopping at Sweetleaf as we’d done many times before

    • Walking to Williamsburg as I wondered why we’d never taken the time to explore certain neighborhoods together

    • Going to Radio Bakery to try some pastries that Karin wanted but they ran out :/

    • Getting dinner at Peter Luger’s. Worrying that maybe it was too overrated but happy that we went. Happy that it made her happy.

    • Reminiscing about every date we’d had thus far. Spilling the beans on what we’d been thinking at every stage.

Every moment was tinged with some sadness. The feeling that this would be the last time we did a certain thing—the last time we’d eat side by side, the last time we’d watch a show, the last time we’d drive together, the last time we’d hold hands, the last time we’d listen to I’ll be Your Home Now—cast a shadow on every thing we did.

At first I was sad, then surprised at how sad I was. We’d started out so casually and I’d known for a while that the end was coming. I’d braced myself for the end and thought I’d be prepared. But alas things did not go according to plan.

We spent this last week celebrating the relationship and grieving the end. I’m glad we were able to do that. In a way it felt good to be sad together—that we both felt we were losing something important together.

On a particularly sad day this week Mom called and gently berated me for being so sad. She asked why I was acting like the world was ending. She reminded me that there were so many possibilities to life and that it wasn’t like either of us was dying. It wasn’t like we lived in the olden days and could only ever communicate by mail.

I’m aware that that might just be a way to ease the pain, but I still believe it. I’m not holding my breath for anything to change but I think life is longer than you think sometimes and you never know who will exit or re-enter your life at any given moment.

Will’s 30th in Merida

In the wake of our breakup I wasn’t particularly happy about going to Mexico but the following morning I flew out to Merida for Will’s 30th birthday.

To set the scene—a joint birthday between Will and Jesar where 30 of their closest friends and family would stay in a beach side Airbnb over the long weekend.

It ended up being a venn diagram of people Jesar exclusively knew, people they both knew, and people that Will had invited. I was in the last group. I’d met several of Will and Jesar’s friends so I ended up knowing roughly 25% of the group already

The first day was a complete wash. A part of me just wanted to be alone so I could process the end of our relationship and the last thing I wanted to do was make small talk. I said the proper hellos, kept mostly to myself, and stole away at random parts of the night to be alone.

The second day was much better. After a long slumber (~13 hours) I woke up feeling better. We kicked the day off with some group games. We played red light, green light from Squid Games and some other water balloon games. Afterwards we had dinner (served by a private chef!) and played some drinking games.

I learned some new drinking games from this trip:

  • Flip cup

    • I knew what it was but this was the first time playing it

  • Medusa

    • Flip cup based game where everyone starts with the their eyes on the table. You countdown and look up at a random person at the table. If there’s eye contact you immediately square off in flip cup and the loser is knocked out. If there isn’t eye contact you’re safe and move onto the next round

  • Flip cup musical chairs

    • You play music and everyone dances around the table. The moment the music stops everyone starts flip cup. The last person to flip their cup is out and leaves the table. They choose the next song and when to stop the music

The second day was much more communal and it started feeling like adult summer camp.

The third day we went out to the city of Merida and explored. Kelvin and I split an Uber with James and Aditi (both of whom I felt went from strangers to friends by the end of this trip). We explored the city and ended our excursion with some Mezcal which was notably delicious but way stronger than expected and I was much drunker by the end. We went back to the Airbnb and I got a massage but the table was thin and by the end of it I was pretty ready to be done. We ended the night with karaoke in the pool.

Some reflections on the trip

  • Though I was apprehensive about going given the timing with the break up—it turned out to be the best thing for me. To be surrounded by people and not too fixated on the break up itself

  • I’d always seen Will’s friend group as an outsider but was never in the thick of it. Seeing how ingrained he was with the predominantly Indian friend group (as the only Chinese American) / how ingrained he was with the culture was interesting.

    • On our last night the group egged him on to do some traditional Indian dancing and he killed it. He’d told me before how much effort he put into the dances but seeing it in person was pretty cool.

    • I asked Shiv who the best dancers in the group was and apparently Will makes top 3

  • The size of the trip. I was a bit concerned going in that I didn’t know many people but the size of the group became a fun feature by the end. Being able to bounce around between different cliques. Meeting new people. All pretty fun.

  • Multigenerational

    • This trip was also unique in that Jesar and Daniel’s parents joined us. This was the first vacation I’d been on with someone else’s parents and it was very cool seeing the intergenerational bond. They drank with us, played the drinking games, ate with us, played volleyball, swam—pretty much everything besides smoking weed

Post Mexico

Getting back from Mexico was a hassle. The winter storm hit us so Kelvin, Will and I were rerouted to Syracuse. I’d low key wanted to visit that area of upstate NY so I wasn’t too displeased. We spent the night there and woke up to a beautiful snow blanketed wonderland.

We decided to drive back (partly out of fear we wouldn’t get back by EOD and partly to enjoy a nice road trip). The drive itself was icy and slow. The rest of Syracuse was not too interesting to me. We swung by So Gong Dong in Palisades Park for soondubu and I had the best dish of 2024 so far there (gopchang bokkeum)

The rest of the week was packed. Knowing it was my first week without Karin in NYC, I wanted to keep super busy.

  • Swung by the office for the first time in weeks. Also took advantage of their soundproofed music room to work on album stuff

  • Started my new musical improv class — very fun

  • Swung by NYPL to volunteer for their recording studio program. In hindsight I’m really glad I signed up for this and am pretty excited for future volunteer sessions

  • Hosted poker night! This was my first event in my new initiative to host one event per month and it went pretty well

  • Watched Mind Mangler with Chris and Julia. Also organized this and I’m glad I took initiative there too.

Despite the break up, I feel good overall. My social life is going well. My artistic pursuits are in flight. I plan to keep busy for the next few weeks. I should also focus on my physical health too. I’ve definitely packed on the lbs lately.

2023 Recap

It’s that time of year again! Reflections on the year past and the year to come.

As I read through past posts I feel such joy that I kept up with the blog over the past year. Granted, I wrote a lot fewer posts this year BUT!!! it’s still going! A simple blog that started in 2020 and is going strong in 2024.

I always get a little sad when I stumble on a blog that hasn’t been updated in years. What happened to the author? Did they lose interest? Did they become lazy? Did they die? So many questions that will likely never be answered.

On the other hand, when I stumble on a blog that’s still going strong to this day I feel a sense of camaraderie and duty to keep mine going. E.g. this blog of sardine reviews I stumbled on back in 2021 that’s going strong to this day.

Anyways—the past year in review:

2023 Recap

  • Winter

    • The most notable part of January was I was dating someone. This was a very new thing where we’d been friends and hung out regularly for a while. She asked me out and I honestly did not know how things would turn out. She was someone I’d think about dating in passing. Not so much with active desire but more of in a day dreamy way. Kind of like you’d day dream about leaving your life behind and moving to Hawaii to become a surf instructor. A fun thing to think about in passing but nothing too serious. It was a novel experience but ultimately did not work and we did not last as friends.

      • Perhaps the moral of the story—do not date unless you’re absolutely serious about your feelings or are willing to risk the friendship.

    • This is the year I also started boxing. Early 2023 was the fittest I’d been in a while. Boxing, playing volleyball,

    • Also started going to church again regularly.

    • Took my first musical improv class!

    • Had a crush on someone and got friend zoned :3

      • Also have not stayed friends with the person. Perhaps the mistake here was rushing my feelings. We hadn’t been friends for long and I somewhat rushed into asking her out instead of getting to know her better.

      • To my defense the time we spent together felt awfully date-y. The day I asked her out she’d invited me to a Stella Jang concert. Before I got there I convinced myself that if it was a 1:1 hang she was into me. If she just wanted to be friends there would definitely be other people there.

      • By the end of the concert (1:1) I was somewhat convinced it was a date and asked her if it was. TLDR she just viewed it as a platonic 1:1 hang out…

    • Went on a road trip to the Northeast with Harry. Boston and Portland (Maine). I can’t really remember why we decided to go but I’m glad we did. I’d wanted to checkout the Northeast for a long time and this was my first time in Portland. We got upgraded to a Mustang convertible and rode out in style.

      • There’s still parts of the Northeast I haven’t explored that I’d like to checkout before I leave NYC.

        • Vermont in Autumn

        • New Hampshire (mostly because I haven’t been)

        • Toronto

        • Montreal

  • Spring

    • Joined an improv team (a sex forward, feminist themed team called Slutprov lmao)

      • Honestly when I first joined things were rough. The first few performances were incredible bombs BUT I think we’ve vastly improved since then.

    • DC trip with Kelvin, Will, Helen and Kelvin’s sister

    • 5 Boro Bike Tour! I’d wanted to do this for at least a year

    • Joined a volleyball team

    • Got addicted to Choco Churro Turtle Chips

    • After my last two disappointing attempts at romance I dove back head first into dating apps. IIRC I’d held out before thinking I had a better chance of success in meeting someone IRL but at this point I decided to fire on all cylinders.

      • After a string of first, second, third dates—some great, some mediocre, all ephemeral—I met Karin in late April.

      • Our first date was at a wine bar. Before our date I was a little unsure of what she’d look like. In every single one of her photos she appeared like a slightly different person. The moment she walked in I was so pleasantly surprised. “Damn I got the best version I could have imagined.”

      • After the wine bar I convinced her to go Karaoke with me. I thought it’d be fun and probably the best chance I had to impress her (with my notable singing ability). At one point I queued up a Korean song and was pleasantly surprised again when she started reading the Korean lyrics and singing along.

  • Summer

    • Europe trip! Edinburgh, Amsterdam and Prague.

      • This all started on a whim when I decided to check out the Edinburgh fringe fest but Edinburgh turned out to be one of my favorite countries. That leg of the trip was inspiring seeing all these performers come together and put on shows.

      • I returned from that trip inspired to work on creative projects of my own.

    • Started to get burnt out with work. Earlier in the year I’d transferred to a new team and we were pushing to launch a new product. I gunned hard with the promise that if I delivered I’d get promoted to Senior Engineer.

      • During the product launch things became rough. On a team of three backend engineers, one teammate was on sabbatical and the other went on vacation. During the most stressful parts of the launch I was responsible for everything backend related

      • On top of this my direct manager was on paternity leave

      • Work became stressful but I managed with a diligent workout schedule to relieve stress.

      • It was only after the launch when I discovered that I would get passed up for promotion. On top of this, our team’s work was being moved to India and I’d have to move onto a sister team that I’d made clear from the start that I had no interest in.

      • I’d never held out too much trust that the company would take care of me. During my time there I’d survived more than three rounds of layoffs. I always took that as a matter of fact. The reality of working at a high growth company that had never turned a profit.

      • But this time around after broken promises and an uncertain path forward I was finally personally disappointed.

  • Autumn

    • Work got worse. The sister team I joined was responsible for crucial paths in our ordering flow. We were also directly responsible for integrations with countless external partners. Any time either of these experience issues we’d be paged to handle them. During one oncall shift I was paged more than 100 times. Night and day.

      • I hated work during this time and constantly day dreamed of quitting work. At one point I scheduled a 1:1 with my manager with the intention of resigning but changed my mind the night before and scrambled to find other topics to talk about.

      • I decided that I wanted to leave on a high note. To leave with some sort of victory instead of feeling like I was running away.

      • After a relatively painless recruiting process (a couple weeks of studying for system design and a couple days leetcoding) I got a new job (upleveled) at a company known for their WLB and their European work style and submitted my resignation with deep satisfaction.

    • Costa Rica trip with the fam

      • It was deep in the rainforest where I finally signed my contract with the new company.

    • Continued dating Karin. We spent a lot of time together. Highlights included a Catskills trip to see the Fall foliage and Halloween where we dressed up like Ratatouille characters

  • Winter

    • Started the new job after Thanksgiving. During my second week we had the biggest layoff in company history (17%).

      • I wasn’t impacted but I was reminded once again to never expect too much from the company.

      • Just do your job, collect your money and find the best parts of life outside work.

    • Celebrated my birthday. Best birthday week in years

    • Back in California now but heading back to NYC tomorrow.

2023 Reflections / Takeaways

In hindsight it was a pretty good year. Reading through my 2022 Recap, the four main goals I had were the following:

  • Finish my second album (I have a list of 4 songs I want to finish)

  • Get promoted at work

  • Date more seriously. I know it’s vague but I don’t want to force anything.

    • Better phrased—date more deliberately. Have a plan instead of waiting for the right person to come along.

  • Figure out where I want to live long term.

    • A general thought lately—I’m enjoying living in NY but it doesn’t feel like I’m building towards anything. Maybe it’s because I’m renting and moving year after year. I want to decide where I’ll build my life for the next 3-5 years.

Of these I accomplished the second and third goal. I took initiative in both career and love life and found better opportunities in both.

Completely missed the first goal.

Still figuring out the fourth goal.

Some themes throughout the year

  • A great life is built. The best parts of my year happened because I actively sought them out. e.g. dating Karin or finding my new job or organizing my birthday or starting musical improv—all the best parts would not have happened without some action on my part.

    • Related to this: continue to seek out things that make you uncomfortable

  • Ripping this entirely from Atomic Habits: "You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems."

    • Related to this—the environment you set up for yourself is crucial.

      • It was so much easier to get in shape when I had a gym at the office that I could easily use in between work. So much easier to eat healthy when I ate healthy lunches at the office instead of eating junk delivery food

  • You don’t have as much time as you think so do what you can while you can. Don’t put things off.

    • A regret from this year was I never visited Philip in Denver when I had the chance. I thought there’d be some chance in the years to come that I’d make my way out there and hit him up but he suddenly died this year and there’s nothing I can do now.

  • Plan for the low moments

    • Early 2023 was great. I was sticking to my habits and making progress in my goals. Then stress hit me and a lot of the habits I’d devised for myself went down the drain.

    • It’s inevitable that you will hit a roadblock. I’m great at planning for the good times but how do I get back on track during the bad times?

      • I’m still not sure about this…

2024 Goals

I’m going to be ambitious here

  • Music

    • Hire singing teacher

    • Release Album by end of March

      • Set up accountability pact—pledge to donate $1000 if I can’t finish my goal in time.

  • Acting

    • Take an acting class!

      • Audition for a role

        • Bonus: actually play a role in something

      • Produce a show

        • e.g. write / produce something

        • OR get a team together

  • Friends / Family

    • Visit old friends in far places

      • Hang out w/ Andrew

      • Hang out w/ Sherry

      • Hang out w/ Kristy

    • Host an event (12x a year)

    • Plan 30th birthday

      • Big birthday bash with all friends I’ve made in the last decade or so

    • Plan Dad’s 60th

  • Travel

    • Cross country road trip

  • Health

    • Curb my internet addiction

      • I’ve often felt that if I’d curbed my over dependency on media I could have accomplished so much more with my life. I want to put that to the test

      • The happiest periods of my life coincided with when I least relied on media.

That’s it for now. Perhaps I’ll revisit this later this year and update it. I want to focus more on my social life. In 2023 I left a lot of it to chance. Waiting to be invited to things instead of proactively setting up events and pursuing people I wanted to get closer to.

At this age I still subscribe to the theory that most friendships will fade. You’ll get married. Build a family. Focus more on family than friends over the years.

BUT!!! Wouldn’t it be great to have some life long friendships? To keep in touch despite the tides of time? Even if it’s not the way things generally go I want to find and hold on to people for as long as I can.

Best of 2023

  • Top Snacks

    • Choco Churro Turtle Chips. My biggest Achilles heel at the moment

    • Lesser Evil Himalayan Gold Popcorn

  • Top Books

    • Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow

    • Daily Rituals

    • Love in the Time of Cholera

    • Atomic Habits

    • Honorable Mention: Yellowface

  • Top Restaurants

    • Atoboy

    • Katsu Hama

      • The old reliable workhorse of a restaurant that I go to when I don’t want to think too much about what to eat. Their miso glaze pork cutlet will hold a special place in my heart for years to come, evoking a coziness and memories of warm times with close friends

  • Top Music

    • I’ll Be Your Home Now - Mac Ayres

      • The first song Karin and I listened to on repeat. The coziness of those nights

    • FKJ Concert

      • First time at Brooklyn Bowl. Amazing visuals and the music was incredible

    • Breathe - Sam Wills

      • No skips to this album

    • Bewitched - Laufey

      • Beautiful album and Laufey is a cutie :3

  • Top Video Games

    • DOOM

    • Dave the Diver

    • Ember Knights

      • Playing with Harry was pretty fun

  • Top Products




Woodday 2023

I write from the Ventura Barnes and Noble.

Back in California for Christmas. The last few weeks have been a blur.

The biggest event lately was my birthweek. This year I’ve been blessed to celebrate not once, not twice, but on three different occasions for my birthday.

  1. The Surprise

  2. The Ball Out

  3. Woodday

The Surprise

Karin asks me to meet her in UES. The week before I’d surprised her for her birthday and she wanted to do the same.

We meet at Hex and Co to play board games together. We play Ticket to Ride (I let her win) and Scrabble (I win).

Afterwards she surprises me with a pasta making class at Aunt Jake’s.

I don’t think I’m great at surprises. Or more accurately—appearing to be surprised. I can’t say it was a complete surprise because I’d suggested we go a couple months before. I’d also done a pasta making class before (a team event in early 2020). But as the class went on and we settled in, it genuinely turned into a great experience.

The instructor was a drill sergeant-y Italian man who kept shouting (aggressively but good-naturedly) at the table to get everyone’s attention—roasting anyone who veered off course from instruction. The pasta making itself wasn’t too difficult and overall enjoyable. The wine was delicious. Karin and I inadvertently matched outfits with our black sweaters and blue apron and we were lookin goooood.

After the pasta making they served a three course meal (the lasagna was very hearty and delicious) and we got to take our home made pasta home. Karin secretly stepped away to alert staff it was my birthday so they brought out a candle during dessert and the entire restaurant sang to me. Karin has video of me appearing incredibly embarrassed. That moment was an absolute surprise and I was definitely embarrassed.

This was my first birthday in a relationship and I loved the surprise element and the effort Karin took to organize everything.

The Ball Out

The ball out tradition started with Will and Kelvin where we choose the most expensive/hyped restaurant we can think of and go there for our birthdays.

Past excursions have included Hyun (AYCE Wagyu Korean BBQ—a little too rich but delicious, great naengmyeon too) and Atoboy (Korean tasting menu—really good).

This time around I chose JUA (Korean tasting menu). I’d originally wanted to go to Atomix but it’s notoriously hard to get a rez there (I still want to try it before I leave NY).

TLDR—underwhelming for the price. Maybe I’d overhyped myself reading too many glowing reviews before going. All the food tasted good but nothing blew me away. The most notable dish was probably the dessert where they seemed to have reinterpreted yakgwa into a donut.

Woodday

As I contemplate leaving NY, I wanted a reason to bring all the people I knew together. I don’t know if this is a uniquely NY experience but although I’ve made a good number of friends throughout my years in the city, none of them really knew each other. My social life has always been a hub and spoke model where I am the hub and they are the spokes—all connected to me but disjoint from each other.

In the weeks leading up to my birthday I planned to invite everyone I knew and mix them up.

I hate planning large events but I forced myself to book a venue (Focal Point Brewery in LIC) and pick up some snacks and alcohol for the house party afterwards.

Here’s what happened the day of the event:

5 - 630pm: William comes early to say hi to me. He’d booked a solo trip to Switzerland and was flying out later that day so couldn’t make the party. We listen to music, talk about random stuff and I pitch him my idea for integrating the different social groups coming to my party

630pm: I start predicting and freaking out a little about the scenario where everyone comes a little fashionably late and I'm stuck at the brewery at a table all alone. I message Tim asking if he can come earlier and he obliges. He can come at 710pm. I also get a message from Karin saying she might come later around 8pm but I convince her to come at 730pm. I time my exit so I’ll arrive at the brewery around 710pm

7pm: I’m still seven minutes out from the brewery but I get a call from Helen asking where everyone is. Sweet Helen—the earliest of the group by far—has come earlier than even me. I’d been freaking out about being alone at the party for no reason. For the first ten minutes, we are indeed the only ones there. We catch up (I hadn’t seen her in months) and she casually drops the fact that she got married in the time I hadn’t seen her. A spur of the moment—engagement-less decision in Vegas to tie the knot. I am very surprised but happy for her.

730-1030pm: Everyone else filters in. We start drinking. A surprise visitor makes his way to the party—Jack from improv. Someone I’d liked but wasn’t super close enough to to invite to my party. I hadn’t seen him in months but was glad he came. Several others I hadn’t seen in months show up at my party—Harsh and Mehak, John C, Apollo—and I’m reminded of how difficult it is to consistently keep in touch with even people who live in the same city as you. Something I can definitely work on.

As expected, people tend to sit near people they already knew. Generally speaking the cliques are:

  • Improv friends

  • Volleyball friends

  • Berkeley friends

  • Work friends

  • Friends of friends

Around 9pm, after people settle in, I start my plan.

Earlier throughout the party, I’d taken a Polaroid of every guest. I get everyone’s attention, shuffle my deck of Polaroids into random groups of three or four and get everyone to meet up in their new groups.

Even now as I write it all out I’m pleased by how it went. I know it’s not groundbreaking to mix people in a group but I love how randomly people were mixed.

1030pm: People naturally start to slow down and we take Ubers back to my place. A few late stragglers also meet up my place. We drink more, eat snacks (shout out to the corn poppers and elote dip from TJ’s). Since my apartment is significantly smaller than the brewery people collide into each other more easily and the group making becomes more organic. People stay until ~1230am, at which point the remaining guests (Karin, Tim, Kelvin, Susan, Harsh, Mehak) and I throw lyrics up onto my projector and sing Christmas carols (tbh mostly me singing while other people are listening…).

Best birthday week in recent memory.

The lead up and planning was a little more stressful than I wanted but I’m glad I went through with it. As 30 approaches I want to plan a bigger event next year.

In other news

  • Been eating so much hotpot this winter. I generally love it but it’s become excessive at this point. This winter alone I’ve had it five times. My favorite spot so far is probably Lao Jie hotpot (meat was quality and I was particularly hungry that day). Dolar Shop was a little overhyped. Also did hotpot with the family at home

  • Went to a winter village for a double date with Karin, Hannah and her new fiancee Andres. The winter village was perhaps the worst thing I’ve done all winter. Embarrassingly poor quality. Their advertised skating rink had a floor literally made of plastic. How can you have a skating rink with no ice?? Mostly a picture spot so we at least got some good pics

  • Went to Karin’s grad school soiree. Since my company holiday party was canceled (layoffs) I’m glad I was able to go. The soiree itself was nice. Live jazz band. Cheese platters. Best flaky soft salmon I’ve had all season.

    • Meeting her grad school friends/teachers was interesting. I felt like a little kid following his parent getting introduced to new people.

  • Immediately after the soiree (UWS) I trained down to Bed Stuy for Nicole’s birthday. Another friend I hadn’t seen in months. Had a blast and ran into an old friendquaintance (Tammy) I hadn’t seen in years.

    • Literally the day after I also randomly ran into Tammy’s sister who I also hadn’t seen in years…. small world

    • The following Monday, Nicole, Jason and I caught up more in depth at Rule of Thirds. Beautiful space, good food. Pork jowl was amazing there.

And after all that I am now at home. Life has been good but fast. I’m happy overall but can’t help but feel that something is slipping through my fingers. So much wasted time. Maybe it’s because I’ve been through so many layoffs recently but the idea of efficiency is so top of mind.

And I am generally inefficient these days. Honestly a little too much internet usage. Something to think about in the new year.

Them Changes

A lot of changes recently. Quit the job I’d been at for almost five years. Started a new job. Huge layoff announcements in my second week at the company (I’m safe ((for now))). Things are going great with Karin but she’s moving back to Indonesia in the new year (I’m going to be pretty sad starting January). I’m trying to squeeze in as much time with her as possible before she goes.

We celebrated her birthday this past weekend (karaoke with her friends on Saturday and I took her out to omakase and Little Shop of Horrors on Sunday). Spent hours trying to plan the best day I could but I approached the whole thing with a little more anxiety than I’d want (e.g. worrying about getting to the venue on time, worrying about whether she’d like the decor at the restaurant, etc.). It was the first birthday event I’d planned for anyone (not to mention—someone I was dating) and I wanted it to go well.

I’m also planning my upcoming birthday and the different things I want to do. I lowkey hate party planning for myself but I’m forcing myself through knowing I’d regret if I didn’t do anything.

Anyways — with all the above happening at relatively the same time it feels like a lot of changes at once.

I don’t love the process but I want to be the kind of person who embraces change gracefully and diligently marches towards the future so I’ll try my best.

Up until recently I’ve kept my head in the sand regarding a lot of changes. I didn’t think too hard about Karin’s timeline regarding her move. I wanted her departure to hit me suddenly and peacefully like someone dying overnight in their sleep.

But that seems pretty impossible at this point and I’ve started to acknowledge the reality lately. Well—at least we still have time.

In other news

  • I got my Spotify Wrapped!

this was a go to song for a while with Karin :’)

  • Play tested Tim’s new board game. Really good for a first play through. Was kicking his ass

  • Went to Noodle Village with Will, Kelvin, Susan

  • Midweek dinner with Karin at Jin Ramen. Decent ramen but not amazing

  • Last volleyball game of the season—lost but it was a valiant effort

  • Made a big batch of jajangmyeon using this recipe. Pretty good overall but don’t love having that much ground beef to chew through. Maybe I’ll try impossible meat next time

Thanks for reading, bye!


Back to NY / Thanksgiving 2023

I met up with my cousin Brian for the first time in decades. He’s 23. Just got a job at Meta. Planning to work there for a couple years and save up for a PhD in bioinformatics (iirc) so he can eventually get a job at one of Google’s subsidiaries working on the intersection of computers and biology. As I listened to him lay out his life plan I couldn’t help but wonder if I should be living with a stronger direction too. On the eve of starting a new job I am excited and also somewhat relieved (though my last job gave me some fond memories it was more stressful than I’d have wanted).

But I can’t claim to have a strong direction of where I want to take my life. As of now I am there to make money and not be too stressed.

Is there anything wrong with this? Yeah I think so in the long run. I want to live like an archer notching his arrow aiming ahead into the future and barreling towards the thing I want. Not just float around waiting for life to happen to me.

I’d guess a balance between the two is necessary for a sustainably happy life but lately I think I’ve been a little too passive in terms of what I want out of my life.

Anyways—will think about this more in the weeks to come. I want to settle into work, get a good grasp of things and then figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I’m happy that I’m back to writing more regularly. Pretty helpful in terms of keeping my head above the waves and thinking more objectively instead of just being continuously submerged in life.

Thanksgiving 2023

Went back home this past week for Thanksgiving.

Dad wanted to host all the stragglers from his company who couldn’t make it home for the holidays. Mom forced me to make at least one dish and I ended up making Butternut Squash Soup.

The soup and the dinner were both a success. Met a few new people and we all bonded by getting drunk on a rotation of soju, wine and whiskey.

We also played yutnori (a traditional Korean board game that Harry seems obsessed with lately) and my team ended up losing :’)

As usual—a pleasure being home with family.

Have thought lately of returning back to LA. I think I got what I wanted mostly out of NY. To expose myself to new things and cultures. See what it was like to live in a big city. Grow my career.

I’ve seen plenty of friends come and go and at this point it feels like I’ve eaten my fill.

I want more space. To be close to family. To own my own property somewhat soon. To feel like I’m building my life somewhere instead of just passing through.

So maybe LA this year??

In other news

  • Visited Gomo to pick up my new company laptop and phone. Hung out with Dahwi, Brian, Gomo and Gomobu with a few drinks and karaoke.

  • Visited a few houses in Corona, CA because Mom and Dad seemed interested.

  • That’s about it—pretty slow week

This upcoming week I’m starting my new job so will be busy with that!

New Job / Autumn Recap / Friends

Almost 3 months since my last post.

I’m writing from the Sweetleaf on Jackson Ave. In a couple hours I’ll be flying back to LA for Thanksgiving. A lot has changed since August.

New Job

Got a new job! From my last post—I’d returned from Edinburgh full of hope and inspiration. I planned on finishing my album. I planned on writing and staging a new musical. Things were looking up.

Then my first oncall shift came and everything fell apart. I don’t like blaming work for everything but I was getting paged through the night. 100+ times per shift. Truly hated work during this period. Besides oncall things were getting kinda shitty. My manager was going on paternity leave. My skip and I met maybe once per half. Didn’t love my team.

Decided then that there wasn’t much left for me at the company.

I first planned on quitting my job and taking a few months off doing nothing. I told all my friends. I’d spend the time getting back into shape, traveling, finishing my album (lol), cooking more, investing in relationships—all the things I so easily put off in the name of Work. I scheduled a meeting with my manager before he left for pat leave with the intention to quit.

But then I chickened out the night before.

Decided I’d rather leave on a high instead of escaping with my tail between my legs. Also didn’t want to deal with a loss of income for too long. The market also seemed pretty uncertain so I didn’t know how easily I’d get a job after my break.

Spent the next few weeks leetcoding and applying.

Anyways—starting the new job late November! It’s at the closest thing to a dream company for me. Working at a music company with plenty of WLB and also got the uplevel to Senior engineer :)

I am cautiously optimistic about what’s to come. I remember when I got my offer for my last job I was ecstatic. Literally jumped for joy when I got the offer.

But after the last five years I’ve come to think that work is just work. I feel like I’ve dealt with a lot of bullshit in the last few years (probably most people in the industry feel this way) and I’m somewhat bracing myself for what’s to come.

Still, whatever’s to come at least I got the promo I wanted and will (presumably) not be worked too hard at my next gig.

With the injection of WLB I want to focus on the next few years of Life. Plan further ahead instead of taking things day to day.

Autumn Recap

In chronological order:

September

  • Minigolf and Sum 41 concert

    • Went all the way to Jones Beach for the first time. Concert was ok. Mini golf was great. The beach setup was pretty cool. Pristine white sands with mini golf, tennis courts, ropes course, etc.

  • Mac Ayres concert

    • Best concert of the year. Asked a lot of different groups to go with me but no one was interested. Finally convinced Tim to go with and it ended up being incredible. Amazing vocals and vibes.

  • Catch up with Apollo at L’Industrie Pizza and watch a clown show

    • After seeing Stamptown in Edinburgh I’d wanted to see more clowns. Pizza was great. Clown show was a hit or miss.

October

  • Mary’s bday with the volleyball team :)

  • Kaagni and Nainaka’s bday at House of Yes

    • Was going to go with Will but he got sick and couldn’t go last minute. Convinced Karin to come with last minute

    • I’d wanted to go to HOY for a while and I’m glad I went. Been going to Bushwick more these days and it seems like a pretty cool neighborhood

    • They went for the sexy vibe as well but compared to the Stranger (another club in Manhattan) it was a little scaled down.

  • FKJ concert

    • Went with Tim, Nathan, Susan and Matt. Most people in the group didn’t know each other and I was the common link between everyone. Had a pretty fun dinner before the concert where we talked about our worst dating experiences

      • Dating is the most common battleground that anyone in their 20/30s in NY can commiserate over

  • Fall foliage with Karin

    • We went to Hunter Mountain to ride their ski lift up, rode a fall foliage train and did a lil apple picking. Ended up getting nearly 20 pounds of apples (we made an apple crumble bake with the apples we picked)

    • This was our first overnight trip so I was slightly nervous about how it would go but it was pretty fun

    • I love driving upstate

  • PREP concert

    • Concert again with Tim, Nathan and Susan. This time we smoked a joint before to really enjoy the funk of PREP

    • Also got 7th St Burger for the first time and it was pretty tasty

  • Costa Rica

    • With the FAM

    • Did a lot. This was a guided tour with a bunch of other families so we all kinda got to know each other by the end of the trip. Everyone was pretty fun

    • Coffee plantation tour, brewery tour, exploring downtown San Jose (underwhelming tbh), driving through the rainforest, zipline tour—we did a LOT

  • Halloween

    • Me, Karin, Kelvin and Will at Chaitya and Saad’s party. They rented out an entire bar in the East Village which was pretty cool

    • Karin and I have a running joke of talking bout Ratatouille so we that was our costume

November

  • Stamptown

    • Saw Stamptown with Harry! I loved them when I saw them for the first time in Edinburgh so I took Harry this time

    • Still pretty good and Harry seemed to really enjoy

  • Quit job

    • Goodbye! It’s been nearly five years and through the ups and downs I met some pretty good people

    • I’ll be working across the street from my old building so hopefully can keep in touch

me and my old team. we went pretty hard this night

  • Florida wedding

    • Went to Raj and Navdeep’s wedding in Mt Dora

    • My second time going to Orlando

    • Went by myself and made the best of the solo trip. Went to the Kennedy Space Center (cool but wouldn’t go back) and walked around Disney Springs

  • Heidi’s Bday

    • Saw Heidi! It’s been very very long. She hosted a bunch of people for waffles and brunch at her place

    • Also met a bunch of her Ohio State friends

Friends

That’s been the last few months. Lately I feel like I’m rushing through life. Not really directing myself and living deliberately. With the new job and the better WLB I hope to get back on that train.

I’ve also been talking about friendships more lately. Talking to different friends in NY who express how difficult it seems to build depthful relationships. There are so many choices and people and events in NY that it’s easy to rotate constantly but hard to consistently grow along someone.

I definitely feel that too. It’s not uncommon to have months long gaps between seeing a friend—even if I really like that person!

The energy and vulnerability it takes to consistently reach out when there are dozens of other people and priorities vying for your and their attention…

I wonder if this is a uniquely NY thing or people in other cities experience the same. I’d guess in smaller towns with a smaller set of people to focus on you kinda reach out to the same people more consistently. One of my friends plans on moving back to SF for this very reason.

There are some strategies to help here though

  • Be more deliberate. Instead of relying on chance and circumstances to bring you to a person—be more conscious about how the friendship is going

    • To this end I think tracking your friends via spreadsheet might help—one of my friends told me he does this as well. Tracking different friends he wants to get closer to along with the last time they hung out

  • Be more of an organizer.

    • I’m pretty bad at this and I always admire my friends who are able to do this so consistently. Kelvin’s great at this. Heidi’s great at this. Junseo seems good at this too with the dinner parties he’s been organizing. Organizers are far and few between but I think it’s a useful skill to have for the rest of your life

    • I’ve felt that my social life in NY has always been a hub and spoke model where I know a bunch of different groups but they don’t know each other. Fix here would be to deliberately mix and mingle