Lazyboy / Lazyweek

I’ve become a complete lazyboy.

The main issue is I have nowhere to be. Now that WFH is the norm I just laze in bed until I have to do some real work. Then I plod over to my sofa, plop down and don’t really do much until I start to feel bad at how lazy I am.

The day passes. Minutes drag to hours and eventually I look up from my unproductive stupor to realize the sun has gone down.

What a sad idea…

At this point with none of my team going in I end up going to the office once a week (if that). And as someone who lives alone there are days when I might not see anyone 😳.

But, like most of life’s issues, it’s better to view this as a logistical issue instead of a moral deficiency.

The fix:

  • Sleep at a reasonable time. Prep an hour before actual sleep time (1 AM latest) to wind down

    • Wake up at 9am

  • Have backpack ready the night before with things to go

    • The most important thing is getting out of the apartment ASAP. Be in an environment where I can plan out my day accordingly.

  • Don’t open my phone until I’m out of the apartment so I don’t have the opportunity to open IG or any of my attention sucking apps and start to lounge around

Some thoughts

  • It’d be cool to sign up for the rock climbing gym near my apartment. It comes with a co-working space so I could just walk over a few blocks and get a productive start to my day.

    • At this point I’m investing a lot of money into fitness stuff so maybe I can pare down on some other things

  • I’m also pretty happy meeting my friends to co-work. I meet up with Aastha pretty regularly to work in Astoria cafes together. Maybe I can meet up with some wfh friends in Manhattan as well.

There must be an art to living alone. I wonder how other people who live alone fill their time and address their loneliness. My friends comment that I “do a lot” these days (i.e. sewing, improv, choir, jazz piano) but I wonder what I’d possibly be doing instead if I hadn’t signed up for all these things.

I find myself reaching for the TV (or my phone) in a lot of down time. Not ideal and I’ve been trying to cut down. Locked my iPad in a cooler that I store on top of my kitchen cupboard (probably sell that soon)… But I still get stuck watching stuff on my projector or phone. I think the fix here would be to make a different activity more alluring than my current routine.

A part of me knows it’d be better to practice piano or produce music and I should get back on that routine soon.

Maybe store my phone and projector remote in a lockbox until I finish practicing or producing. That’s an interesting idea.

On a parting note—it’ll be cool to read Walden to see how Thoreau managed his life alone.

Week in review

In no particular order

  • Went to a hip hop dance class with Aastha and got fried chicken sandwiches at Namkeen after (good flavor but chicken was a little dry). After walking in that vicinity I realized that this was the street of the Airbnb I stayed in when I first moved to NY! Memories from almost four years ago came bubbling back

    • Living with Harry in that spacious Williamsburg Airbnb

    • Hanging out with Aydan

    • Getting black and white cookies (too dry…) with Harry and Sherry at Martha’s Country Bakery.

  • Got ramen with Brian and Simon at Susuru. Tantan ramen hit the spot and would def re-order on a cold day.

  • After chicken we ran into Bowen Yang at I’Milky.

  • Got caught in the rain with Will at Izakaya Toribar (small portions, slow service. Decently tasty but would not go again). We were sitting outside wrapping up dinner when a flash storm came. Hearing the rain dropping on the tin roof of the outdoor seating. Feeling the cool breeze generated by the falling rain. We decided to order another round of draft Sapporo and wait out the storm but it lasted much longer than expected

As I sipped on my beer hearing the pitter patter on the tin roof I kept thinking that dad would have LOVED this

  • Went to Queens Night Market with Raj, Aastha, Brian and some of Raj’s friends. Was super tired by this point so it was an ok experience.

  • Met up with Caro at Oxomoco. Pretty good chilaquiles but very expensive

  • Went to Santa Fe BK and Hana Makgeolli with Chris. Great green chile burger at Santa Fe. Makgeolli was too sour though.

  • Caught up with Chamara at Murray’s Cheese Bar my new goto for tomato soup and grilled cheese

  • Went rock climbing with Raj. Used my forearms too much and they were pretty sore the next day.

Overall a pretty standard week. Those are good every once in a while.

Nice to relax but I don’t want to get too complacent.

Late Night Thots / Solo Trip?

It’s uncharacteristic of me but I’m night writing!

Spent the last hour on this random walk:

  • talking to Kelvin (he’s doing a solo trip out in Rhode Island)

  • remembering in the middle of our conversation that I had bought cheap tickets to Japan half a year earlier and the departing flight was coming up

    • Luckily my old boss approved almost 2 weeks of PTO during this time before she left

  • doing light research on Tiktok/Google to figure out how feasible/enjoyable a solo trip to Japan would be in a few weeks

  • reading through some old blog posts to remember how I felt about my last solo trip

  • reading through some other old posts to reminisce about life

Some thoughts

  • I wrote some fun posts. Assuming I keep this up, it’ll be super interesting to read back in a few decades to reminisce about who I used to be during these years

  • time slips away so quickly. Some times that seemed so trivial back then ended up being the fonder memories than I expected

  • i lived a very lonely life in NY. Especially during the pandemic. I can’t believe I spent so much time alone in my Prospect Heights apartment. Tbf a LOT of people were lonely and alone during this time but still…

    • I distinctly remember that it wasn’t so bad during that time. I binged a lot on food, tv and edibles. Visiting Harry every now and then got me through a lot of it (as well as seeing friends every now and then) but I wouldn’t want to go through it again

On the note of travel—I’m sure I’m taking so much for granted here. Not only the opportunity to travel to Japan again but also the fact that I have the time and freedom to do so. There may be a future me—50 years old with a wife, kids, a mortgage, and a dozen other responsibilities—reading this post exasperated at how much I took for granted.

I’m all over the place in this post but

  • I want to avoid taking too much for granted. Seize the opportunity of youth and freedom and GLORY

  • Don’t be too lonely if I can help it. Right now with my wfh schedule I spend way too much time at home alone.

    • Loneliness is a logistical problem as much as a emotional one.

  • Lastly, try to be more present. I know I inundate myself with way too much tiktok and tv and so much time slips through my fingers. And maybe it’s all a futile hope to want otherwise BUT I will try to be a responsible steward of my time and attention.

GOODNIGHT!

Lazy POS Super Fun Day / Improv Show!

Woke up late and laid in bed for hours. Tiktok is a hell of a drug.

Makes me curious how other people spend their time at home. Especially those of us who live alone.

After a few hours of tiktok bed time I tried getting air by going to the Jackson Heights farmer’s market. I’ve been making these delicious tomato sandwiches (s/o J Kenji Lopez Alt) and went to the market in hopes of picking up nice heirloom tomatoes.

Got there too late and couldn’t buy anything so I wandered around the neighborhood for a few hours and got coffee at Espresso 77 (great spot would go again if I’m in the neighborhood).

Came home and cooked some meal prep (Garlic Parmesan Kale Pasta) and settled in for some more hours of tiktok and netflix.

An infrequent and uncharacteristically piece-of-shit level lazy day but I enjoyed it overall.

After some weeks at home and Kelvin staying over while he figures out his housing situation this is the first time in almost a month where I’ve been living alone again. Guess I’m just settling back into it.

Yesterday I had my first improv show. This is the first time since college performing/acting on stage in front of people and I had a lot of fun.

After my first choir season I’d resolved that for every subsequent thing I’d try hard as I could and not leave anything on the table.

Take risks, unabashedly put in effort and resist the apathy.

I did that during the show last night and am very happy because of that.

Here are the videos:

After the show we ended up at the bar for a final hurrah. I started talking with someone who had watched the show and she described me as “awkward with self awareness.” Apparently I also struck her as “particularly sad but that’s ok because we Koreans know sadness” (she was also Korean for the record). She was definitely a bit drunk but I thought that might be a decent assessment for someone who just met me.

Later on I was talking to a friend from the class and he said “don’t take this the wrong way but you seem sad and frustrated in a depthful way. A girl who lives and goes out in West Village without much thought might not have much depth but you do.“

At that moment I took it as a compliment but over the course of the night I was a little bothered by how people think I’m sad. But now that I think about it Naveen said similar things in the past (“You Berkeley grads are always so frustrated by how society is set up”) so maybe that is the image I give off.

It is what it is. It’s one thing to be sad and frustrated. It’s another thing to be sad and frustrated and do something about it. So I shall endeavor to do the latter.

Continuing to read Olmsted’s biography this week.

A general feeling I’ve had these days—we are not so different from people in the past.

It must have been some combination of youthful arrogance/hopefulness, but in the past I thought we were something really special. The best generation. Bright eyed, full of great ideas, hopes, dreams, and the potential to change the world*. Anything could happen.

But the more I read of the past the more I realize that people were like that back then too. They were all living their best lives. With their best hopes and dreams. Some of them even accomplished those dreams. And now they’re long gone and mostly forgotten.

What average joe has even heard of Olmsted these days? This vibrant, talented, successful, intense person so heralded in his own day isn’t even a household name now.

Anyways my takeaway and current line of thinking: the winds will shift. Everything you hold important today could be nothing tomorrow and vice versa. You can live a great life and even a great life will be forgotten over time.

If nothing matters much in the long run, then live in the present as much as possible.

It’s not a SAAAAD thing. It’s a restructured perspective. We are just blips in history but we are the heroes of our own story and that is enough. Focus deeply on the places, people, things directly in front of you. Drink as much of these moments as you can before it’s gone and you will love your life.

*To be fair maybe we do live in a particularly interesting/crucial time in history (the internet, globalization, coronavirus).

Besides the improv show I really didn’t do much this week.

I did start my first week of group jazz piano classes. Teacher seems fantastic so far. Very knowledgeable and patient—seems to really enjoy what he does. The demographics are not what I expected. Besides the teacher I am the only guy and there are more older (60+) women in the class than I expected.

Now that I think of it, in NY (and life in general) I rarely hang with the old and young. It’s an anomaly to see anyone past their 40s in the office and there’s no reason/opportunity I’d hang out with anyone in grade school.

Excited to see what’s next with class.

Past Few Months: Korea / NY / Oxnard / Back Again

Haven’t written in a while because I’ve been busy and the momentum slipped away. Here’s a recap of what I’ve been up to the past few months.

Back in NY.

In the past few months I’ve gone from NY —> Korea —> NY —> Oxnard —> NY.

Korea unblocked a lot of things for me. Before Korea I felt lonely and stagnant. After Korea I felt energized and directed.

The ride back in the cabin was full of contemplation. Most rides I’d dive head first into a movie binge but this time around I alternated between trying to fall asleep and zoning out while swimming in my thoughts.

General thoughts on the ride back:

  • why had I left so much of my life to chance?

    • somewhere along the way I became the kind of person to wait for something to come to me. Why not see what I’m capable of and reach outwards into the world

  • no phase in life will last forever so strike while the iron is hot

    • there are things in every chapter of life that you can only do during that time. I will never be here with these people, fears, aspirations, circumstances again

Korea

Having gone to Korea back in July the trip feels more distant by the day but here are some memories that stand out from that trip

  • generations. Mom had her birthday during this trip and we celebrated at Jakyung’s house. Gathered around a kitchen table filled to the brim with sushi seeing Grandma, the aunts, the cousins and our own family—felt like a glimpse into the life that could have been if we hadn’t left Korea.

  • the food

    • going to a seafood restaurant by the beach during my first few days in Korea. Drinking soju with the family while Harry kept pouring cheese into the bubbling pot on the table and calling it his cheese soup. Harry and Dad kept eating/drinking out it while Mom and I actively judged them. It tasted pretty good though tbh.

    • getting chimaek way more times than I wanted to. but damn Korean chicken is delicious

    • going to a pocha with dad and getting shwasted. the korean office workers sitting beside us polished off half a table’s worth of beer

  • nightlife

    • going to an international friend’s meetup at hangang. This was my first out by myself since I’d got to Korea and I was determined to experience nightlife to its fullest. After a few drinks at the park we went to a bar in Itaewon which led to Karaoke and eventually to a club called B1. B1 was packed to brim. Dark, hazy, full of smoke (was surprised there was smoking inside and was not a fan) but the music was great and the crowd was super into it. I stayed out way too late and tried to find lodging for the night going from friend to hotel to hotel to no avail. eventually booked a pretty nice place for ~$130 and got a few hours of sleep. woke up the next day and met the rest of the family for samgyupsal

    • going to a water festival with Jakyung. S20 EDM festival where cannons manned by pretty women dressed up as aliens would blast us with water. A welcome respite from the hot humid weather this summer.

  • going to nami island with Dad and Juwon. Taking the zipline from hundreds of feet up into the island.

  • getting nursed back to health by Taewook 이모. Developed a fever towards the end of the trip from too many nights out, too little sleep. She hooked me up with the IV and the fever broke within a few days

  • getting introduced by all my cousins to their most attractive Korean girl friends. Korea in general has very well dressed, attractive people.

  • Korea was super hot and muggy. Mosquito bites day after day. Had to sleep with a fan and AC was an infrequent luxury since the grandparents got too cold

New York

When I came back from Korea (July to early September) I tried to

  • not leave things up to chance

  • go all in when I decided to something

Additionally I ended up doing more activities that I had on my backlog for a while.

Some highlights during this time

  • went karaoke a lot. Started going to public karaoke with my choir group and at this point I get a little bored if there isn’t a crowd to watch me sing :3

    • trying to get better performing in front of other people. e.g. singing more to the people instead of just singing to myself on the stage

  • started and finished a sewing class. Learned how to make pants from a pattern! Though having the end product is satisfying, it’s a lot of work. I enjoyed the machine sewing part. I did not enjoy pinning and cutting the fabric.

  • started an improv class. very fun and we go karaoke after. I don’t think I have the greatest instincts/timing yet but I’ll keep going till I get better

  • met up with an actor friend (Juliette) who gave me some advice on acting in the city

  • started a queens qrew. a group of neighborhood friends in LIC / Astoria to do things in Queens with. So far we’ve been to karaoke a few times and got dinner at Murray’s Cheese Bar (heavy but delicious tomato soup + grilled cheese).

  • went drinking / clubbing a lot more post Korea. I wanted to keep that nightlife momentum going but at this point feel like I went a little overboard. From now on I’ll limit longer drinking sessions to 2x a week.

  • saw Sherry a few times when she visited from London!

Some thoughts

  • having joined these different activities over the past few months—people here want to hang out more often than not. Just takes someone to take initiative and organize something

  • neighborhood friends are the best friends. In previous years living in Prospect Heights and East Village I never invested much in meeting people that lived close to me but that’s the move!!! So much to explore in Queens anyways (Queens is the most underrated borough).

  • I gotta get rid of my iPad and sleep better. My worst habit right now is watching TV in bed before going to sleep. Definitely eats into my sleep time.

    • At my age (27) I’m at cusp between Adult Lite and Adult Prime. Gotta shed the childish habits of my youth as I blossom into the GRAND ADULT I AM MEANT TO BE! @IILFHLISUEHFILU

    • Keep a clear mind in general. Between Reddit and Tiktok and streaming the amount of time I keep a clear mind shrinks day by day

Oxnard

Oxnard was a calm oasis after a few weeks back in NY.

Chilled with family. Ate too much. Played way too many video games (Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime and Borderlands 3) with Harry. Got Mexican food. Went to the beach. Went to Jaebudo (we really gotta pick some new spots in LA). Went to a restaurant (Kimbap Paradise) where they delivered the food on a little robot that knew exactly which table to go to. When the robot kept skipping our table and a human woman delivered our food instead we must have looked disappointed. She apologized for the lack of novelty in her service.

Felt so good to be back with family. We’ve been through some ups and downs recently but this time around felt golden.

New York Again

Came back to my new apartment in LIC. Kelvin’s staying with me for a while as he figures out his housing issue.

Still in the process of settling back in.

Started my jazz piano class where we hit the ground running with sheet music (my reading skills are very rusty), music theory and rhythm exercises (working on swing).

At this point in my NY life I feel like I’ve done a lot

  • volleyball

  • improv

  • choir

  • sewing

  • open mics

  • church

  • and now jazz piano

Fun so far—absolutely. But I want to transition at some point from exploration —> exploitation. I’m starting to become a jack of all trades but where’s the depth? To dive deep into some domain other than work. That’s what I want right now.

Also on a practical level—as I wfh more and more—I spend way too much time indoors.

I want a WFH crew where we work together from different cafes. Have already done this a few times with my neighborhood friend Aastha so it’ll be good to expand.

In Other News

I’ve been reading more biographies these days. Finished Crying in the H Mart—way sadder than I expected. I thought it’d be funny little essays about food and H Mart but it’s a heart wrenching story about the writer dealing with her mom’s cancer. Very well written but not a big favorite (probably since I was expecting something so different).

Also read Dave Chang’s Eat a Peach. I’m a sucker for food related content (just watched The Bear and really really enjoyed that. Top three TV shows of the year for me) and this one hit its mark. He writes well and has an interesting story. Real page turner but weeks after having read it I can’t remember many of the specific details (maybe that’s a personal problem though).

Lastly I’ve been reading Genius of Place, a biography about Frederick Law Olmsted (a super accomplished guy from the 1800s who lived many different lives and also was responsible for creating Central Park). Very interesting read so far. Very cool to read about how NY was in the past (and comparing it to the present day). Interesting to note how lost he seemed in his early days (resonates a lot) and how he seemed to stumble his way into interesting opportunities. This dude went from sailor to farmer to journalist to landscape architect to running that time’s equivalent to the Red Cross to running a gold mine to Yosemite conservationist (and that’s only up to half of the biography so far).

The author notes that back in the day social circles were much smaller and more close knit. That can explain how he gets so many interesting opportunities. But they also note how capable and intuitive and exacting he was as a person which can also explain his success.

Bryant Park Blues / Choir

Bryant Park Blues

Note: I’m publishing this from Korea pretty late. I wrote this a couple weeks ago but never uploaded in the process of going to Korea. As I re-read this I was in a bit of a mood. Oh well that’s how it goes sometimes.

I sit alone in Bryant Park (favorite park in NY right now btw) sipping on my blue bottle cold brew under overcast skies.

I’ve been thinking a lot these days. In the past I used to think that I thought too much. There was a period in college (right after my big depression sophomore year) where I decided to turn all thought and funnel all my energy into action (related).

But now the pendulum swings and I return back to thought. Feels necessary now that I’m GROWING OLDER and trying to figure out my next steps in life.

Lately NY feels like a blender. All these people and events and noise ground up and spit out as a blobby pulp. A game where we’re constantly on. Advancing ourselves in the arena. Sizing up our opponents. Climbing to the top at almost any cost. Maybe that’s life. Maybe I’m just jaded from watching too much Succession where family members screw each other at almost any opportunity.

Maybe it’s growing pains. First few years were masked by the honeymoon period. Now the harsh reality sets in. Some days I wake up feeling fantastic. Other days I wake up severely annoyed (no dread/depression yet. I am still hopeful) that I have to deal with this mess again.

Maybe it’s the rate of change. My team at work—people I’ve known for years through the best and worst parts of the pandemic—is starting to disband. The majority of people I knew pre COVID are long gone. In the timeless words of Keane everything’s changing and I don’t feel the same.

It’s a valid feeling and I’ll stew in it a bit longer but I want to figure out my next steps. The engineer in me always wants to debug the problem. The engineer in me always clings to hope that there’s a potential solution for every issue. I am grateful for that.

Anyways I’ll be out with family in Korea for the next two weeks so hopefully I return recharged.

Choir

Wrapped up my choir concert the other day. Choir was a mixed bag but it felt great singing my heart out with other people on a weekly basis.

I joined for two reasons

  1. To meet people

    1. I did meet a number of great singers and nice people. When I first joined I was disappointed at the lack of community. Some of these singers had been in a choir together for years but had never hung out together outside of the class. Over time we slowly did more outings (Korean fried chicken and karaoke happened a few times) but that was a gradual process. I think now that we know each other better we’ll keep in touch and do more things with each other. Going karaoke with other good singers is always a treat

  2. To get better at singing

    1. I think I improved. Hearing other people sing. Seeing what worked for them and what didn’t. Becoming a better performer. There was a moment during karaoke where Carlos pulled me aside and said “you’re a good singer so show the audience what you are.” I’ve historically had issues performing for a crowd (vs “performing for myself”) so it was helpful to hear. I was also honored when Sulisa (one of the best singers in choir hands down) told me that she enjoyed my voice after karaoke.

If I could go back I would have put more of myself in. I first joined the choir thinking “I’ve never sung in a choir so I’ll pull back and see what it’s really like this time around.”

What a cop out. Instead of auditioning for every available solo I hung back to “observe” and didn’t go all in.

That’s a pattern in life for me. Rationalize not taking action.

By the end of the showcase I regretted not trying harder. Well, something to remember for the next thing I do.

In other news

the road to the Poconos

  • Went to the poconos! Kind of a split party. Helen, Kelvin and I were the mostly sober crew while everyone else decided to take acid and paint. Glad to tick this off my list before leaving NY. I didn’t enjoy the cabin part as much but the driving part was very enjoyable

    • On this trip we also went mini golfing and rode a forest coaster

    • Also swung by storm king

finally made it out to storm king

  • Went to a Lawrence concert with Jason, Nicole and Sabrina. I started the concert exhausted from a late night and a gym session so I wasn’t in the best of moods but at one magical point rain was pouring, the music was so so good and I felt incredible. Glad I went and I should def go to more concerts

  • Watched Hadestown with Chris and Steve. Hadestown was good not great. Eva’s singing was incredible as usual though. They could have just had her singing the entire time and I might have had a better time

A passing thought I had one night—it might be worthwhile to track expectations and results with every social thing I do. Why am I going to a particular event with particular people and what do I hope to gain out of that experience. Sometimes I think I might just randomly do things because I was invited or because I’m feeling lonely. Is that a good enough reason?

Fitness / Koreans / Digital Diet

Sitting on my lobby sofa on this Sunday night having finished almost all my chores. Feels good bud. I’m on this biweekly writing cadence now. Much better than a monthly blogging rate but still somewhat hard to remember exactly what happened in the time that’s passed.

Just diving right into it.

lil cutie that Kelvin’s been cat sitting

FITNESS!

After having returned to office, I’m in an environment where almost everything is taken care of for me.

  • healthy/tasty food served for lunch

  • on site gym

  • on site physical therapist / ergonomist

  • on site dietician

  • free dinner if I stay till 7

All these freebies that make my life a lot easier and healthier. On top of the gym perk they offer trainers on site too so I hired one! The deep power of convenience.

My fitness in the past years has been ad hoc and inconstant. It seems worthwhile / easy enough to pay someone to guide me along. Why waste all this time and effort trying to do it alone?

My goals with fitness

  • have more energy than I normally do

  • get super sexy and attract a lot more girls

  • generally have a good idea of how to take care of my body going forward

My fitness regiment so far

  • Tuesday / Friday training session. My trainer guides me through different lifts / exercises split up into different body parts (e.g. arms, shoulders, back, hips, etc.)

    • We’re aiming to get the exercises solidified, keep them up for a few months and meet up again next quarter to set up a new regiment

  • Thursday I go to my trainer’s group kick box class. The last one I went to no one else was there so it was almost a free training session

  • Sunday I either play a sport or take a fitness class. I’ve been using Classpass and taking boxing classes

Diet wise I haven’t any drastic changes but I generally restrict myself naturally since eating shit will make me feel pretty shit during the training / classes.

Anyways it’s only been a few weeks but I feel pretty good so far and am certain that this is the right thing to do. As long as I stick to this and don’t mess around too much I’ll definitely see changes.

This may be my achilles heel. Had these chips recently from Trader Joe’s and they’re amazing.

Koreans

Simon (workmate) is in a Korean American professional organization and mentions every now and then that single Korean girls come out to these events to try to convince me and Brian (workmate) to come out.

Yesterday we all finally went.

We made the long journey from Queens to a park in Fort Lee and joined everyone else at the bbq.

A half dozen picnic tables full of young Korean adults with a table in the center filled with Korean barbecue, kimchi, rice, salad, etc. My first home cooked meal in about a month 🥲.

Simon introduced us to all his friends and we spent the next few hours eating with them, following them across different spots in Fort Lee.

As someone who’s never had that many Korean friends it was a cool experience.

Stella’s house (Simon’s girlfriend) seemed to be the hotspot for most people in the group and a bunch of different people rolled through. Bourbon was brought out, Simon/Stella laid out the charcuterie and within a few minutes people were drinking, eating, talking, switching back and forth in Korean.

It’s not like it was a crazy event or anything but in that moment I was struck by how differently this group lived from me. If my life had taken just a slightly different turn—stayed in Korea instead of moving to America, or maybe hadn’t grown up in Ohio, or tried harder with my old Korean church mates—would I have grown up with friends like these?

I’ve always been a fringe Korean and given my current friends I’ll likely stay a fringe Korean for a while. But it was fun living meeting everyone out in Fort Lee and imagining what life might look like if I move out there. Given the rising rent I might end up doing something like that.

Digital Diet

It’s been over a month since I moved into my place. My whole plan of not getting wifi to avoid bingeing late into the night is working.

  • If I need to use internet I go down to one of the lounges or roof for the public apt wifi

  • If I want to watch anything in my apartment I download it on my iPad while I’m down here

  • For better or worse my service in my apartment is pretty shit too so I can’t just hotspot my way out of this

  • Another benefit is I produce in my apartment. Not having that wifi on makes it much easier to concentrate on the task at hand

Overall the experiment has been a success. That barrier to entry makes a world of difference. No more autoplay. No more accidentally starting a binge. Almost everything I consume digitally is a conscious decision.

I don’t know how things will change once circumstances change. Hopefully I stay strong(?)

But it’s ridiculous how much out of control addictive shit we allow ourselves to play with. It’s not our fault! We’re like the first cavemen to play with fire. A few of us are bound to burn to ashes.

I wonder how everyone else handles it. Is everyone else as addicted as me?

Everything Else

  • Got dinner with friends at Wenwen. The idea here was to invite a bunch of random friends and get them to hang out with each other. Food was pretty good. Reservation was very hard to get (Kelvin organized us). I think I thrive in a dinner party and aim to go to more. In other words dinner parties are my favorite social event (I don’t like drinking at bars, never had fun in a club) and I should try to do more

the bathroom at wenwen is beautiful

esther, jasmine, millie, steve, will and me after wenwen. Didn’t really know esther and jasmine much before so it truly was a stranger dinner party. Not pictured from dinner—kelvin and chris. As usual Will was the one to insist we come out to the water. Great view

  • I got onto the 7 train recently and noticed an empty seat in the crowded car. Upon closer inspection I realized why people weren’t sitting there—there were literal skid marks on it! Someone had literally shit on that seat and streaked that shit across… We collectively pretended not to notice and gave that seat a wide berth. But a few minutes later something I never would have anticipated happened. A man got closer, tapped a few droplets of hand sanitizer on the seat and wiped it away with some napkins. At first I assumed he might sit on it afterwards but he simply tossed the napkins, got off on his spot and walked away.

    • What a nearly saintly act. Truly not trying to over-embellish how I feel about this but what kind of human being would willingly wash the shit off a public seat for someone else to sit on? In a city like this, in times like these, when does this ever happen? One of the most inspiring things I’ve seen in a long time. To be the kind of man that selflessly wipes shit for the public without desire for recognition or reward. I am nowhere near that kind of selflessness but if I ever get to that point I’d be satisfied.

    • Almost immediately after he left some woman came onto the train and beelined for the seat. She sat down before any of us had a chance to warn her about what had happened. Early bird gets the shit

  • Went to another potluck! Heidi hosted another Asian social organization potluck on her roof. Potlucks, dinner parties—love that shit.

    • Dad loves talking at dinner parties. I love it too. A group of randos in a semi-awkward atmosphere. Running your mouth and hopefully seeing some camaraderie form amongst strangers. Fun.

  • TV

    • Watched Death Love + Robots recently. I was watching at CJ’s place after having had some drinks and taking an edible. Incredible. Mind blowing. Especially inebriated.

      • Watched sober recently and some of the shorts were still incredible

    • Finished The Wire. Pretty good. Not a favorite but glad I finished it

    • Started Succession. I liked the first few episodes but the charm is waning. May or may not finish it

    • Started Spy x Family. Easy to watch, fun, accessible anime. Would recommend.

    • Watched The Platform at Victoria’s movie night. Very interesting concept. A little too gory for me but definitely interesting.

    • TBH I guess I’ve been watching a lot lately. I think most days I watch maybe 1 hour or so. Haven’t read much recently. Just squeeze in an episode before I go to sleep. No regrets but I do wish I had more hours in the day to read (not enough to stop watching tv though).

  • I tried a new app recently. Too Good to Go lets you order food at off peak hours for a discounted rate. Pleasantly surprised to receive three different big slices of pizza for just $5. Taking those slices to the outdoor seating area. Watching the rain come down to the backdrop of a shiny billboard. Z O N I N G out. Great night. Enjoy that night recreated through these photos:

Here’s a daylight pic for contrast. Right outside my apartment:

I oscillate between happy, lonely, angry these days. I’m not exactly where I want to be but I’m definitely on track.

Next steps I’ll be traveling a bit (Korea) and I want to be more proactive about pursuing things when I get back. Pursuing people, activities, travel, etc.

Been sitting on my ass for too long.

Same Old / May 2022

Sitting at 79th and Lex on this picture perfect day. 

I’m in the shade at a table outside drinking iced tea and watching people go by. Basking in the soreness of my body feeling the weight of it all slump down onto my ass. I am sinking into myself and it feels good.

I am reminded once again that one of my favorite things to do is sit outside with a cold drink zoning out and watching people go by. 

NOTHING BETTER THAN THAT!

Since the last we spoke I’ve been feeling a lot of highs and lows. Some weeks I’m on the top of the world. Other weeks I wonder why I’m even here and whether I should just pack my bags and go back to California or something (just a passing thought).

Now that I’m “settled” back in after having bounced around so much I’m dealing with the practice of Building A Life.

The juggling act is hard and at any moment there are a dozen things I should be doing but it feels good to be building towards something.

The only way forward is consistency. At this point in my life I’ve realized that I can’t rely on anything else—intelligence, charms, good looks, good luck—none of it makes up for being consistent and doing the work.

I’ve set up two calendars on my fridge. On one I mark the days I produce music (1 hour AM, 1 hour PM). 

On the other calendar I mark the days I’ve avoided porn. The idea here is to spend the time / energy to date IRL. 

Two days a week I lift and I’ve started taking a boxing class on the weekends.

As long as I don’t break the chain there is no way I stay in the same place. Things are bound to get better.

I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been resting on my laurels lately but I’m pretty excited to see how far I can push past my limits.

Same Old

A few years back I flew on the company’s dime on a round trip helicopter ride from Manhattan to JFK. 

It was my first time on a helicopter in a long time and I couldn’t get enough of it. The views! The buildings! The dust speck sized peasants on the ground! What a thrill!

But then we landed, walked around JFK a little and re-boarded to return to Manhattan. And on the ride back I felt nothing. In the span of an hour I’d already gotten used to the sights and the fantastic became mundane again.

My life feels like this these days. I’ve gotten so used to the fact that I live in one of the greatest cities in the world working a great company making great money. But I don’t want to take it all for granted.

Not super sure how to change that. How to jolt yourself into seeing the world in a new light again.

Maybe travel? Maybe taking a breather and zoning out for a while. In this specific moment that seems to be working. Especially right now as I write out this blog post from my phone under the shade in UES as families and couples and absolute babes walk past me I’m reminded of how different NY can be. I’ve barely spent time in UES and from certain angles it almost feels like a different city. 

Turn the mundane back into fantastic/unfamiliar and don’t take it all for granted 

view from the office terrace

May 2022

Here’s what I’ve been up to since we last spoke:

  • hosted my aunt and uncle in LIC. We went to Tournesol and had a pretty good meal

  • Went to Dove’s (cousin) graduation in New Brunswick

  • Hung out with Rosie when she came to visit. Went to Shiki for Omakase.

    • Sushi was good but the unlimited sake they poured was better

    • This week was my ballout week. Got Omakase at Sushi Lin with Kelvin about a week later. I prefer this spot for sushi at least

    • Caught up with Rosie on the phone after she got back to SF. She gave me some advice on picking up girls in public. Head over with your number on a napkin, say something genuine— “my eyes couldn’t help but wander over to you and I’d like to get to know you better” and drop off your number leaving the ball in her court and keeping the mystery alive. Will it work??? Only time and courage will tell

  • Saw Ray for a brief evening during his visit from England. Went to Van Leeuwen with him immediately after my massage.

    • Felt more flexible that day than I had in months before. Great job masseuse (@ A’s Body Works)

  • Caught up with Chynna and Chris at El Born. Got drinks at Spritzenhaus33 after.

    • Food was good but not great enough to go back anytime soon. Spritzenhaus33 was a nice big beer hall with a good atmosphere. Would go back again

  • Went shuffleboarding with Kelvin, CJ, Saad and Chaitya at Royal Palms. Went to Shipwrecked mini golf after. Would recommend Royal Palms but Shipwrecked was just ok.

  • Been going out with my teammates (Simon, Brian, Anthony) roughly once a week after work on Thursdays. This is probably the group I drink with the most. We drink till we’re lit and talk a lot of shit

  • Went on a few dates. We went out to Sofia Wine Bar (pleasant date spot for those of you looking) for the first date and met up in Fort Lee for the second. Second date was brutally hot and getting over was a huge pain. Still cool exploring Fort Lee since I’d never been.

    • Finally got to see what’s on the other side of the Hudson river. We went through the park there. Beautiful area but way too hard to get to

saw this lil guy at the park

  • Caught up with Sherry on video chat. We reminisced about how much had changed since pre pandemic and marveled at how far both of us had changed / accomplished since then. This day happened to be one of those days where it’s raining but you still see a lot of sunshine coming through (the official name for this is sunshower). It put me in a bittersweet reminiscent mood.

  • Hung out with Kelvin and Helen on my rooftop. This was my first time meeting Helen and she showed up at my door with a bottle of wine (a very surprising but baller gesture). We talked about a bunch of thought provoking questions. Pretty interesting to get so in depth with someone you had just met

    • How have you changed since the pandemic

    • What would you be doing if the pandemic hadn’t hit, etc

  • Went to Victorias show at Broadway Comedy Club. I think we agreed that she didn’t have the best set but damn… impressive she went up in the first place.

  • Went to my first boxing class at Box St Fitness with CJ. Super tiring during the class but I felt amazing afterwards.

    • I’ve been feeling aggro lately. Nice letting off all that steam on the punching bag

  • Been watching a lot of the Wire these days

    • Pretty good show but I don’t get why people call it one of the best shows of our time. Maybe it was a groundbreaking show for its time?

  • Caught up with Dan and Tony at Wu’s Wonton King

    • Food was pricy but tasty

  • Biked from LIC —> Manhattan —> Randall’s Island —> Bronx

    • First time in the Bronx

    • Randall’s Island was a deserted paradise. So far out the way. There were a bunch of families doing BBQs peppered across the park. Some areas felt desolate—almost like a peaceful post apocalypse

flowers on Randall’s Island

Generally want to become more proactive about the things I do. Planning things out. Doing more events. It’s pretty easy to forget that I won’t be in NY forever. Whether I realize it or not there is a timeline for everything.

Follow the Cherry Blossoms / Mexico City / Queens

Sitting on the rooftop of my new place in LIC.

Last month was a blur.

Followed the cherry blossoms to DC

Went to Mexico City.

Moved out to Queens.

As I sit here with the Sun beating down on me in my perpetual semi sleep deprived state I wonder what the value is in writing all this out.

I had such a great writing cadence last year. Almost every Sunday I’d post something and reflect on the week before and all felt great.

Now with almost a month of life to recap since the last time I wrote it feels a bit forced(?).

The value of this blog as I imagined when I started

  • One day hopefully I grow old and withered like a raisin. I’ve become a distinguished gentleman with many fruitful ventures and experiences behind me. The weight of my memories have become too much for a single brain to handle and I’ve forgotten much of what I’ve done. I come back to this blog (which I’ll have kept up for years at that point) and reminisce about all the things I’ve experienced, the people I’ve been able to form bonds with.

  • OR someday they have AI tuned enough where we can replicate personalities based on large amounts of text. Someone trains that AI on this blog and LO AND BEHOLD there’s a digital version of me for all of humanity to enjoy for the eternity that awaits us

Both worthwhile goals. So I’ll keep on writing even though it feels a little forced.

Another point—my posts are split into two parts. Things I’ve experienced and thoughts I’ve thought. What will be more interesting to read in the future? I think I’m more interested in the latter. These days when I talk to people I don’t give a S H I T about the things they do. I care more about how they think and why they do what they do.

Oh you went to the club last night? I don’t care.

Oh you went to the club last night because you felt like you were growing uglier with age and wanted to hook up with someone for validation? Oh yeah now we’re cooking 👩‍🍳

I don’t think it’s possible to do things without motivation. But it is possible to have very lame motivations.

Cherry Blossoms in DC

Man where do I even start? It’s been almost a month since DC and so much has happened in between.

Lemme set up the scene at least. Two different groups converge in DC. Family and friends. I’m always a bit on edge when merging different groups. For the last few years I’ve kept many groups of my life siloed. Work friends. School friends. Family.

On the family side it was Harry (my brother) and Juwon (my cousin). On the friends side it was Will and Kelvin.

My anxiety was unfounded. We all ended up having a pretty great time.

Quick recap

  • Dinner at Chercher. My favorite Ethiopian restaurant (granted I know so little about Ethiopian food).

    • Dinner here is a bit hard. Me, Harry, Will, Kelvin, Juwon all meeting for the first time in DC. Especially with Juwon there (she speaks very little English) it’s a bit awkward at first but gets better eventually

  • Drinks at Chicken + Whiskey. A really cool bar located in the back of a chicken shop. Imagine a Chipotle style restaurant with a full on bar in the back room

  • A great night at il Canale with Kelvin’s cousin and Shiv’s (another friend) sister joining us. Wine, pizza and calamari on.a rooftop right as day turns to night. As Kelvin always says: “Good vibes”

  • Can’t go to DC without visiting Tatte, my favorite bakery. Harry treats us :)

  • A trip to the Air and Space museum. I’m not into planes but the sheer scale of this impresses me. A huge hangar filled with almost every plane you can imagine.

  • Cherry blossoms too. We go at the tail end of the season so don’t experience that much…

Great mini trip. Had a blast. Confirmed that merging groups is not that bad and I was overly concerned as usual.

Mexico City

A few days later I fly out to Mexico City to meet up with Andrew and Apollo.

Thoughts before I went to Mexico City

  • It might be dangerous should I go?

  • Every time I go to Mexico (Cabo, Cancun) they call me Jackie Chan. Is that going to happen here too?

Thoughts after I went to Mexico City

  • B E A U T I F U L city

    • Storefronts with beautiful designs

    • A huge amazing park (Chapultepec) in the middle of the city as well as smaller ones peppered throughout the different neighborhoods

a busy street in Centro

plaza de rio janeiro—a park inside roma norte I hung out at a lot my last few days here

en el mercado

  • Cheap!

    • Meals were cheap

    • Ubers were really cheap (2-5 dollars per ride)

    • I forget exact prices but maybe 50-75% of what you’d pay in American cities

    • Housing was cheap

chillin on the balcony at our first Airbnb. Right after the rain. Feeling the mist on my skin, birds chirping, vendors cycling down the street. Under the shade of the trees. What a feeling. Look how big my calves look too

view out of my airbnb’s bed last few days I was there. Paid ~50 a night

skylight of my last Airbnb here

  • A surprising amount of diversity

    • Saw a Koreatown there

    • A bunch of Japanese, Chinese restaurants

      • Had an extremely mediocre okonomiyaki at one of these restaurants so I can’t vouch for the quality of Asian food in the city

    • K Culture seems to have a foothold in the city. I saw a bunch of K pop posters while I was there

    • We also had pizza while we were there. Pizza made by an Argentinian who had moved to Mexico City. Pretty good, pleasantly surprised.

Mexican kids have to deal with kumon too…

  • Nice dating scene

    • Got a lot more matches while I was there. Everyone is so pretty 😍

    • Went on a date with Dacia on my last day there. Tacos. Walking around Centro. Listening to music together. Had a great time :)

      • Used a translator app to communicate the first few messages but eventually found out she taught English so it was easier after that

      • Was a bit hesitant about going on the date because I had a flight at 7am the next morning but Justin gave me a pep talk and I’m glad I went

  • Amazing food

    • Best tacos of my year. Had the best chicharron tacos of my life from Tacos Orinoco

    • Fantastic bakery at Panaderia Rosetta

    • Delicious chilaquiles at Chilpa

    • Great cafe culture

Tacos Orinoco

Panaderia Rosetta

chilaquiles + chilpa @ Chilpa!

  • Air quality is bad

  • A lot of investments in culture

    • Great museums (which I wasn’t that into because they were in Spanish and my Spanish es un poco malo) and also I get museum fatigue easily.

  • A history of gentrification

    • I am no expert on this but according to Carlos (Mexico City native that I know from choir) a lot has changed recently. Beautiful Condesa—with all its aesthetic restaurants and cafes—used to be”close to dilapidated.” He says he’s a fan though since his parents make a living by running Airbnbs and he “likes seeing pretty people all around” his neighborhood.

    • I walked from the more gentrified areas (Condesa, Roma) towards Centro and the vibes definitely shift. Centro’s far more bustling. A lot less tourist friendly. Very few tourist faces.

  • Montezuma’s Revenge

    • Montezuma was killed by the germs brought over by the Spaniards.

    • His revenge is to infect all foreigners with stomach troubles once they visit Mexico

    • All three of us had diarrhea 🤮

      • worth it though because the food was delicious

Overall Mexico City was a blast. Would definitely go again. Was able to meet up with Cahner (a friend I made traveling to Portugal last year) and her friend which was pretty cool. Great seeing Andrew and Apollo too.

Queens

Spent my first week back in NYC living in Sunnyside. Great neighborhood. Very diverse. Pleasant to walk through. The 7 train runs through it like a vein and gives life to all that it touches (it is very loud to walk under though…).

Some notable events since I came back

  • Walked from Sunnyside to Flushing with Saad and Chaitya

  • Watched Everything Everywhere All at Once with Will and Victoria

  • Did a mini Couchella concert at Kelvin’s place

  • Watched Eva Noblezada’s cabaret with Kelvin and some of his friends

  • Started Return to Office. Great being able to see all my work friends in person again.

  • Went to an ACN potluck with Millie. Millie and I were the only guests for about the first two hours. Had a great time though. The host (Heidi) was pretty interesting / nice to talk to.

  • Karaoke with Kelvin, Will, Millie, Jason and Nicole

back @ riverside park for volleyball

Now I’ve settled into my new apartment. First apartment in almost a year. Good to have a place again.

excuse the mess but note the high ceilings :)

It’s a beautiful spot but it’s right by the train yard. I hear trains run through the night. Each one has a different flavor of noise to it

  • 7 train bends on a curve and squeals every time it comes through like a lil piggie being GUTTED :(

  • Amtrak comes through like the kool aid man and loudly blares its horn to announce its arrival

  • A few of the other trains (yet to be identified) are a little more pleasant to listen to. No squeals, no honking just chugging along

My new strategy for sleeping here at night is earplugs with air purifier humming on blast to drown out the noise and so far it is working like a charm.

I’m happy to have my own home again and think it’ll be easier to advance in all my goals.

  • Being able to organize more hangouts and revamp my social life

  • Being able to bring a date home and watch the sun set from my balcony <3

  • Being able to practice piano / sing and produce music

  • We have a gym in the apartment so it’ll be easier to work out regularly too

It’ll be a great time.

Now that I’m settling in I no longer have the excuse that “I’m floating around”

I really want to build out my life here and stop being a floater.

I am tethered.

Hater Gonna Hate & Ainters gonna Aint / NY Schedule

Note: this one was in draft mode for a while. Should have published it about a while back. I’m catching up on writing this week…

More than two weeks since my last post 😳

I kind of planned it this way. Thought it was too structured to post regularly every week and wanted to just update whenever I felt like it.

That seems to have worked. Now I’m loose as a goose but the downside is it feels like life is slipping right out of me like water out of a busted hydrant. All unaccounted for.

Maybe I’m the kind of person that needs a regular structured session to reflect on my life as it passes me by. To P R O C E S S.

Hater Gonna Hate & Ainters gonna Aint

If you asked me how I feel right now right in this moment about the last few weeks I’ve been back in New York I’d say I’m mildly depressed with spurts of optimism here and there.

I catch myself becoming more pessimistic lately. Easily irritated. A couple days ago I had to drop my cousin Juwon off at her Airbnb. After about a week of great weather NY caught us off guard and bitch slapped us with a cold front. Kind of like Will Smith bitch slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars (wonder how long that reference will last… it’s huge right now). Sub 30 degrees. Freezing. Waiting for the G train that never seems to come. Waiting for a nice hot shower knowing that my current Airbnb is pretty old and the shower is nothing like that.

A deep anger coming up from nowhere. Firing off a flurry of curses to blow off steam. 

What the FUUUUUCK is up with this goddamn stupid shit G train. What the fuck is this bullshit. Why the fuck is it so goddamn cold all of a sudden. fuck this shit

I just want to complain all the time. I love complaining these days.

  • It’s too cold.

  • My apartment is too old.

  • Rent prices are too damn high

  • Too far. I’m commuting all the time now.

  • Almost living on the train. Too many sketchy people on the subway.

  • I’m too lonely

  • These people I’m meeting are all so boring*

  • Too tired

But when I write it out like this I realize my list of complaints is pretty small. Most of this stuff is within my power to change and I’m just being a lil bitch by not changing my ways.

As much as NY has made me irritated at times I still think most of my life is within my hands. And there are moments of deep gratitude that make me not want to move away just yet.

* This is a complaint I’ve had for a while but I’m starting to change my mind on this. People are boring because the conversation is boring. The conversation is boring because we’re talking about mundane bullshit. I think that once you peel back the first few layers of the onion you can often find gold. Everyone is interesting in some way. Right? RIGHT???!??! Even the most boring person in the world is by virtue interesting. What could have possibly happened (or not happened) to that person thus far to lead them to become so boring?

NY Schedule

In terms of day to day life I somehow ended up back into a commuter life. Here’s what an average day looks like

  • Wake up around 10 or 11 (sorry 🥲) and knock out a few meetings

  • Leave for the office around 12 or 1PM (bed stuy to fidi). This is necessary because my Airbnb doesn’t have much sunlight and I’d go crazy staying here all day

    • Always make sure to get lunch. I don’t know if this is confirmed is but apparently our office has a Michelin star chef on lunch duty. Food’s much better. Is it Michelin star quality? Maybe on a good day.

    • MWF pop into the office gym when I get down time so I can get S W O L E

  • Work until 6 or 7 PM.

  • Wednesday I go to choir at 6PM

  • Fridays I play volleyball after work

  • Every other day I kinda fill in the gaps and either see people or go to a meetup

  • Then I get home and just watch TV for hours straight. Very unhealthy I know.

    • I think I watch TV because my apt is too dark and quiet and I want to fill that void with something

    • Or also because I’m dead tired from roaming around and can’t think of doing anything else

Some thoughts here

  • I spend a lot of time on the train

  • Ideally should shift schedule to wake and sleep earlier. More energy for my hobbies (have barely written any lyrics over the past few weeks) and less time spent alone in the apartment doing nothing

  • I’m pretty happy at all the physical activity I’m getting. Gym MWF and Volleyball on weekends!

    • The power of convenience. Having a gym right in my office makes it so incredibly easy to be consistent.

    • One of those rare instances where convenience leads to a good thing.

    • The power of habit. It almost goes without saying but I should try to make some more good habits 😎

  • I’m deeply curious how other people schedule their weeks

    • how much time spent at home vs going out

    • how many regularly scheduled events

    • does living in NY make a difference?

Recap

Here are some highlights from my life since we last spoke

  • Juwon came to visit

    • Took her to Chelsea Market, High Line, Lady M, Bryant Park, Roosevelt Island and Tomi Jazz

      • Tomi Jazz was an hour wait to get in 😳. Definitely get there closer to opening next time

      • Roosevelt Island was a peaceful, beautiful oasis in the middle of NY. Would be great for a picnic or running (if I liked running). We took the cable car over which was pretty fun.

    • Watched Aladdin together and went to Havana Central in Times Square

      • Aladdin was meh. Havana Central was better than expected since I was expecting an overpriced tourist trap.

lady M

Roosevelt Island

great food and drinks

  • Started playing volleyball again

    • Went to Julio’s birthday party.

back on the beautiful UWS

  • Started going to choir

    • Some incredible singers here but I think I can keep up

ran into Ice T outside of Tomi Jazz

Back to NY (for the nth time?) / Recap

It’s been almost a month since my last post. This is the longest I’ve gone without posting and it feels weird.

I feel like I’ve been living a dream these past few weeks. Untethered and floating off into the distance.

Anyways it’s good to be back. Right now I’m sitting at Burly Coffee having just finished a flat white and a vanilla cream donut. The cafe is a bookstore / coffee shop hybrid. Three seats at the counter and a two seater sofa. Pretty cozy as you can imagine.

The coffee was delicious. The donut didn’t have as much cream as expected. I’ve been sitting at the counter zoning out while staring out the window—one of my favorite activities in this world. It’s ~30 degrees F (the coldest weather I’ve experienced this winter). The speakers inside are playing really calm trance (?) music. My body (especially my shoulders) feels great.

It’s been roughly 2 weeks since I got back to New York.

This time around feels different. Maybe it’s the winter or living alone after three months at home or being back in the city after months in the suburbs. Whatever it is I don’t feel as gung ho this time. The zeal for life is a little missing.

But I think it’s natural to feel like this. I talked to Harry recently and he’s been feeling similarly too. He said something yesterday that I wholeheartedly agree with. All you can do is dig deeper. There are no other options.

I’m pretty hopeful overall though.

So what have I been up to since I got back? Here’s a quick recap.

  • Crashed at Kelvin’s apt the first few days I was back. Coincidentally it was his birthday and I spent the next few days joining his birthday week

    • Went to a german beer hall and had some beers + currywurst

    • Went to Gyu Kaku with some of his AFX Berkeley friends

    • Chilled at his apartment with some church people we met at an open mic months ago

  • Hung out with Simon & Brian. This was the day I got my perf review + bonus so we decided to splurge a little

    • Got a great meal at Crown Shy. Short rib was super tender. Cauliflower was amazing. Pork chop almost tasted just like tonkatsu.

    • Karaoke at Gunbae

    • Late night meal at Anytime

    • Our walk to Gunbae was a true journey. Some dude came up to us out of nowhere and said “Watch your mouth pussy.” We weren’t even talking when this happened. Later we were spooked by some dude hanging out in the shadows. A couple minutes later we stumbled on a huge dead rat (small chihuahua size). Brian and I went howling down the street and Simon judged us for being scared.

  • Did a music session with Frank. First time in a while working on music with someone else. Took some time getting used to and tbh we didn’t get that far but it was fun / worthwhile.

  • Met up with Jason and Nicole at Emily. I got the burger which is supposedly “the best burger in NYC” but it was just ok—31 dollars too >:(

  • Went to an electronic music producer meetup. It was ok. Electronic is not really my style. Met some interesting people. Met a lighting designer who’s been working on an interesting play. The premise is there’s a lonely gay guy who buys a male sex robot for companionship. Later on the robot gains sentience and realizes he’s not gay so he buys another female sex robot while the original guy is away at work.

  • Met up with Harry and Dove and Dawhee. We started off at Grace Street for dessert. Then we went to a comedy club in EV to watch a show. This was Dawhee’s first comedy show and I think he liked it.

  • Besides all of this I’ve been going into the office MWF. They have delicious/healthy food and a gym with a great view. Makes it so convenient to eat right and work out.

    • I am consistently impressed by the power of convenience. Normally it’s such an ordeal to work out but since the gym is right there I feel more than motivated to go. It’s not even a decision to deliberate on. Almost an automatic part of my day.

    • Might go to the office more often. Incorporate some music stuff before and after work. Environment is super important and I think I’d be more productive writing music there vs in my dark, old Airbnb. Sorry Airbnb, I appreciate the shelter and you’re very comfortable but it’s kind of hard to concentrate on anything in there.

On what’s next:

I’ll start doing more stuff outside of work. 2 weeks is a good period to adjust back into a different mode of living but it’s about time that I start living seriously again.

I’ve also been super side tracked with trying to find a new apartment. Hours spent on streeteasy. Where will I end up? Who knows. I hope I read back in a few weeks having found an amazing cheap modern well located apartment.

Does such a place exist in NYC? Only time will tell.

Presidents Day

I’m writing from the drivers seat of our SUV as I wait for mom to pick up some tiles from the roofing supply store. It’s Presidents’ Day. I left the house under the impression that we were driving up to Santa Barbara to bike/skate along the beach but mom surprise navigated me to this store so here I am.

Gotta love them surprise errands… I should have brought a book.

This past week has been a transition period. I started off with the singular goal of completing my binge of Black Clover. I remember back in college when my ex girlfriend asked me if I watched anime and I proudly answered “I’m done with that stuff baby never touching it again.” Oh what a lie that was.

I’d started Black Clover after finishing my month long songwriting session back in January and in all fairness the show was reaaaaaally good. Like a lot of animes it centers around a main character that pushes past his limits with unfaltering determination and the help of his friends. A pretty over done concept but some parts of the show were really inspiring. I regularly found myself wanting to push past my limits like all the characters in the show. I’d recommend watching from episode 30 and beyond.

As much as I enjoyed it the binge took a lot out of me. I needed a change. I craved a change. So I’m back on my media purge.

I feel pretty good this time around. I enter this purge with the realization that some of the most fruitful / rewarding times of my life coincided with a media purge. You take out all unnecessary noise from you’re life and face a wall of silence. Since you can’t live vicariously through TV anymore you fill that void with progressions in your real life. You exercise more, date more, aim for higher goals and life becomes great again. You become a better listener too. You value your friendships more. Fewer things to distract you now.

At least that’s how my current theory goes.

I think it’ll stick this time around. I’m going all in. Installed a chrome plugin to block every little distraction—all those unnecessary, seemingly negligible visits to random websites really add up. I’ve started keeping my phone charged outside my room so I don’t reach for it first thing in the morning. I’m leaving my iPad behind so I’m not tempted to watch YouTube late into the night worsening my already poor sleep schedule. When I have writing / producing sessions I leave my iPhone outside the room and rely on my watch for voice memos when necessary. I’ve started writing a lot more in my daily handwritten journal so I let out thoughts/ideas instead of letting them bounce around indefinitely.

I’m ALL IN BABY.

edit: about an hour later we ended up walking down Main Street in Santa Barbara and got these delicious tacos from Yona Redz.

Portland / Seattle / Next Steps

Hello friends. It’s been a while. I’ve been busy doing stuff in PNW for the past week and before that I guess I was just being lazy. 

I left for PNW for a change of scenery. I’ve been living at home for the past 1.5 months. Home is nice. Home is safe and clean and full of love but it’s hard to shake the feeling that life is somewhat on pause. 

Portland

Met up with Andrew and went up North for a few days. We started in Portland.

cool pose Andrew

My perception of Portland before I went was mostly stuff I gathered from Portlandia

  • Lots of hipsters

  • Good coffee

  • Laidback

Much to my chagrin, I saw almost no hipsters. After five days in Portland, here are my perceptions of the city

  • Great food scene

    • So many options. Portland seems to be known especially for coffee, donuts

    • Neighboring Beaverton had some really great restaurants too

  • Beautiful / Proximity to nature

    • The area we stayed at (Northeast Portland) had a lot of unique houses

      • Maybe Mom’s constant advice to buy a house is getting to me. Some of the houses in the area were pretty cheap compared to CA and looked really cool

  • Lots of weed shops. Didn’t expect that before I went.

  • Not that much racial diversity

    • Very few non-white people. There’s a neighboring city called Beaverton which is a little more diverse

  • A lot of homeless people. Downtown Portland looked almost like a tent city in some areas

  • Great town for biking

    • First day in town we biked from Downtown Portland to Milwaukie. Beautiful trail right by the Willamette river.

    • Lots of bike paths so it’s relatively easy to get around solely on a bike in some areas

  • Cheap?

    • No sales tax.

    • Our Airbnb was pretty cheap too. ~730 for 2 people for 5 days

Highlights include

  • Eating Puerto Rican food at Boriken. Best (and first) Puerto Rican food of my life. Had the Trifongo and a super tender fried pork chop. Also tried a really delicious vinegar based sauce called Pique. This is a Puerto Rican sauce where everyone has their own version of the recipe. Super addicting / versatile and I could see myself using it on every meal.

  • Road tripping out to the Tillamook cheese factory and driving up the coast

    • beautiful beaches where the fog hasn’t yet lifted shrouding the coast in a dreamy mist that made it feel like Inception

did not realize the coast was so accessible from Portland

  • Driving out to all the Asian grocery stores in Beaverton. We were surprised to see so many Asian things after not seeing them in the rest of Portland so we drove out to four different Asian grocery stores (shoutout to G Mart the Beaverton knockoff of H Mart)

  • Getting a drink at Steeplejack Brewery. They made a brewery out of an old church! Baller

  • Delicious Thai food at Eem. Really interesting / well executed dishes including white curry with brisket and cauliflower

Really glad I checkout out Portland. Had so many of the things I love. Coffee. Great food. Beaches. Trees (I am starting to become more of a nature person). Biking.

Towards the end of the trip I felt like I got everything I wanted out of the city / wanted to move on. I think I’ll make a detour and visit again next time I go to Seattle.

Seattle

Swung by Seattle for a few days and crashed at Andrew’s place. This was my second time in Seattle.

  • Had delicious avocado toast two days in a row at Cafe Con Todo. Cool cafe where they have hammocks hanging from the ceiling

  • Drove out to Snoqualmie Falls. Great spot for a short hike surprisingly close (45 minutes) to the city

  • Visited Jessie. She is living the fine life out there. Huge house (compared to my spots in NY) in the suburbs living with her boyfriend and her dog.

  • Went clubbing with some of Andrew’s friends. Also met Steve again. We first met at an event at Amherst College and went to school together in Berkeley. Had lost touch but he’s been roaming around and seems to live an interesting life these days

    • We all went to Vue which is apparently “where all the Asians go”

    • I don’t think I’ve ever had a GREAT time at a club. Maybe I go too sober.

And that’s about it.

Next Steps

Now’s about the time that I reflect and figure out how the rest of my year or quarter will look like.

Been oscillating between roaming and settling but I think I’ll go for a hybrid.

I want to stay in a place 1-2 months at a time so I can establish a daily rhythm and feel like I’m making progress towards my goals but I don’t want to be toooo tied down to a place. To that end I’m going back to NY for ~1 month and going to Mexico City after that.

Some general thoughts over the last few months

Housing

Where I live matters. Last time in NY I lived in a tiny shoebox to save money and that hurt more than helped.

Regardless of where I end up living I want to keep up a standard of living where I can comfortably/consistently make progress.

Committing

I’ve wasted a lot of time not committing. Fear, laziness, all the usual suspects. I used to think balance might be achievable but balance is harder than committing all the way.

So for now let’s get rid of balance and just go for it. At this stage in life there is no such thing as working tooooo hard and I should just cross bridge when I get to it.

TLDR: shed distractions ruthlessly, be less wishy washy about things and make progress.

January Songwriting Postmortem / Nard Life

January Songwriting Postmortem

This past month went great.

I spent the entire time back at home in Oxnard with the sole goal of releasing four songs by the end of January and I DID IT!

There are a few phases in my life when I’ve worked pretty hard towards something and this is one of them. Other times include

  • leetcoding to get into my current company

  • studying for my algorithms class so I could meet the 3.0 gpa requirement and declare my major

  • practicing my acting scenes with the arbitrary goal of “becoming the best actor in my class”

  • beyond that I guess I haven’t applied myself toooooo many times

My point is that it feels good to work hard again.

What I did right

  • Setting expectations/deadlines. The whole idea of releasing 4 songs this month was a huge driving force

  • Setting up my workflow. In the past I would “produce” by opening my daw and scrolling reddit/instagram. This time around I installed SelfControl and blocked out hour sessions where I wouldn’t get distracted. Should probably set this up on my phone too.

  • Generally better discipline. Better sleep habits. Cut down on my habit of watching TV on my iPad in bed

What I could do better

  • Singing / recording continues to be one of the harder parts of this process. The most tedious part of my flow has been

    • singing the song properly in a way that sounds good enough

    • comping. I haaaaaate comping. Probably because I end up doing 20+ takes per track in an effort to get the “perfect” one

    • the fix: practice the song before recording instead of practicing while recording. Do the bad takes off mic so I don’t have to spend hours comping

  • Messing around with finding mixers

    • I regret hiring mixers. Unless you’re willing to pay good money ~400+ per song I think it’s hard to get a pretty good mix.

    • I also find it difficult to convey exactly what you want. Things I could change easily on my own took multiple back and forths with my mixer

  • Mixing

    • I’m going to mix my next two songs. Balancing the mix is still pretty hard BUT I want to get better and save money and ultimately I think I can do better compared to a budget mix

    • The fix: probably watch some more mix tutorials. The hardest part for me is setting the gain so it doesn’t peak. Also carving out space in the mix for the most important elements

    • The other fix: use reference tracks. Why oh why didn’t I just find a reference track. Helps so much with balance and it’s easier to figure out when a mix is “done”. Biggest issue here is finding the right reference track

  • Mastering

    • I want to experiment with the mastering for my next songs.

      • Plug one into a robo-mastering service like Landr

      • Hire someone to master off Soundbetter

      • Compare the two

Next steps

I’m aiming for two songs by the end of February. Listening to my last few releases—they’re all so sad or angsty. This time I’m focusing exclusively on happy songs.

Have yet to finalize which songs I’m going to make but I want to explore something city pop sounding. Also would like to explore a bossa nova song someday but probably not in February.

My biggest concern is keeping up the momentum and not getting distracted. Being at home was a big advantage because there’s so little to do beyond staying home and making music. Will the hold up when I leave Oxnard?

Nard Life

In the time since the last post I

  • Hung out with Yang. We played Starcraft Battlefront II and watched a pretty good anime movie called Belle. A Japanese interpretation of beauty and the beast set in both modern day Japan and a virtual world. Really interesting concept. Beautiful art / colors. Would recommend

  • Hung out with Erika. Got burgers / boba and caught up on the new stuff (it’s been months since I last saw her)

  • Made weekly family meal. First week: Doobydoobap’s Gochujang pasta. My pasta to sauce ratio was off but that sauce was D E L I C I O U S. The cream tempered the spiciness of the gochujang so you had this really mellow, warm, spicy, creamy pasta sauce. 8 / 10

  • Second week: okonomiyaki. Came out way better than expected. Substituted Chik Fil A sauce since I was missing Kewpie. Next time I’d thin out the batter a bit and cut the cabbage thinner but overall delicious. I added some spam into my version. 8 / 10

That’s about it. GOODBYE!

The Grind / Sundried Tomato Cream Chicken

Man I’ve been missing some posts. Been pretty busy churning out my 4 songs this month.

First two have been released. Two still in progress.

Grinding away these days. A cycle of work, produce, practice singing and repeat. Sprinkle in a little skateboarding, IG reels, Youtube and a few excursions here and there and that’s the sum of my life right now.

Felt pretty good at the beginning but I’m starting to burn out so I think I’ll get away from Oxnard after I finalize my last song. Been thinking of going up north and checking out Vancouver or something.

I simultaneously feel lost and on track.

Lost because I can go/do almost anything. I have almost tooooo much freedom. I’m not renting an apartment. I have no real obligation to go back to NY for now (besides to see friends). I could potentially work from anywhere for some time. But what’s next after that?

I am untethered.

I’m feeling on track because at least I’m putting the work in.

I’m still searching for that balanced life. That sweet sweet spot where I’ve gone all out and done my best work and can put down the pen after that.

Right now I’m in the mode where I’m working hard but not letting the pen down entirely.

Besides that I’ve started cooking family meal every Thursday.

Here’s the dish I made recently:

sun dried tomato cream chicken

Delicious. I get almost all my recipes from IG these days:

I also tagged along with Mom n Pops to survey some land out in Pine Mountain Club. They were considering building a tiny home up there (Dad’s obsessed with tiny homes these days). The land was beautiful but so remote. Cannot imagine living there more than 2 weeks.

Cabo / Andrew in Town / Productivity Machine & Release Plan

Buckle up kiddos this one’s going to be a long post.

Cabo

Feels weird to talk about Cabo when it happened three weeks ago but I still want to get it down for future memories.

I tagged along with Mom and Dad to Cabo for Dad’s 30th work anniversary. As someone who’s just about to hit my 3rd year work anniversary, 30 seems like an impossible milestone.

This was my second time in Cabo.

The first time was during Spring Break of my senior year. I don’t know whose idea it was to go (probably Chai’s) but I tagged along because it seemed like something I should do before I graduate. Previous spring breaks had been spent doing very little and this felt like the final hurrah.

Five of us from our group decided to go (me, Andrew, Sam, Chai and Amy).

The trip ended up being slightly disastrous. Some good memories from the trip:

  • Andrew getting into a polite fight with an old woman at the airport. Apparently she left and he took her seat without knowing she intended to return. When she came back he kept insisting she take her chair back while she insisted he stay. This song and dance happened ~3-4 times

    • At that point I didn’t know Andrew that well and I walked away from that event thinking he was a super polite guy.

  • Our shitty hotel. We were on a budget so instead of booking a resort close to downtown we found a hotel far from the action.

    • Not only was the location bad, but we also booked a single room with 2 beds. The five of us squeezed in and slept in a configuration of sleeping sideways on the bed to fit more people and sleeping on the floor.

  • Getting stranded on lovers beach island in Cabo. We hired a water taxi to take us out. We first attempted to set terms—half upfront, half when we got back to shore. He declined and appealed to our better natures. Pay me up front. I’ll come get you right before sundown. You can trust me. Don’t you trust me?

    • He was not to be trusted.

    • By sunset we were considering sleeping on the island or swimming back to shore. In the end we flagged down a passing by boat and convinced them to take us back to shore

    • A bit later in the trip we saw the traitor on the beach and Andrew went off on him. Andrew’s usually a calm guy but this was the angriest I’ve seen him by far.

  • One person in our group wandered off and disappeared while we were out drinking. After a fruitless night of trying to figure out where they’d gone we found out the next day that they’d been arrested!

    • We went to the jail to bail out our friend using our broken high school AP class Spanish. Charged for drunk and disorderly (probably some bullshit because we were able to bail them out by paying a fee).

This second time to Cabo was far less eventful but way more comfortable. Since we had money this time around we also did a number of excursions.

ATVing on the beach

crossed this sick bridge too

Sunset dinner cruise

Hanging out with the camels and other animals at the zoo

Jet skiing

look at how happy I look. I revved this baby up to 40 mph and my arms hurt from holding on for dear life

hi mom 🤗

Cabo was fun. Good times.

P.S. I spent some time during this trip going through old notes/journal entries. Found something I wrote down that sounded cool:

I went to my seminar to find two randos teaching the class. One was a monk. The last word of advice he gave to us was this:

There are two ways of living: with your heart and with your head. Don’t be afraid if you find yourself using both elements to live your life.

Andrew in Town

The week I got back, Andrew came to visit.

A part of me was worried for this visit. What is there to do in Oxnard?!

Turns out a decent amount.

We started the week with KBBQ on the beach courtesy of Mom and Pops.

We went shopping at the Camarillo outlets three days in a row (THREE!). For someone who rarely goes shopping this was a new way of living.

We also went biking in Ojai.

By a stroke of great timing Raymond and Eileen were visiting Ojai at the same time so we met with them a few times. We got dinner with them once at Lure and dinner a second time at Suvarnaphumi Thai (my new favorite Thai restaurant in Oxnard).

super rainy week in Oxnard. I thought this looked cool

I destroyed Andrew in bowling.

For the latter half of the week we stayed in LA.

god i love coffee with rain

We met with Andrew’s college roommate and went to the Broad for some sick art and got dinner at Grand Central Market.

We also stumbled upon the Last Bookstore—a pretty interesting spot with books/art vendors.

For the last day we got ganjang gaejang (Korean raw marinated crab—one of my favorite dishes) at Crab House in Ktown. Pretty good but damn some big portions.

soft shell crab with crab roe on the left. Banchan on the right

We drove to Griffith Observatory later and got dinner at Izakaya Bizan in Little Tokyo.

LA was fun. Didn’t see that much this time around. Could see myself living in LA for a month or two to test out the waters.

It was a fun week. Very activity packed and by the end of it I was exhausted and took a long nap.

Productivity Machine & Release Plan

A number of converging forces have reminded me lately to stop wasting time.

There were a number of things I wanted to do last year that I didn’t. This year will be different.

I have a new system to stop getting distracted.

First line of Defense

  • Automator. I’ve set up a new script that does the following in a single click

    • Start up Logic

    • Start up Trello

    • Start up SelfControl

    • Sets a timer for an hour

Second line of Defense

  • SelfControl

    • An amazing app that lets you block specific websites for a set amount of time. There’s no way to bypass this so you can’t weasel your way out of this.

    • I have Instagram, Facebook, Hacker News and Youtube blocked during this time

This is all so I can release more songs this month.

I’m planning to release 4 by the end of January. Mostly finalizing old songs that have been collecting dust in my hard drive.

I have the first one out already. Second one uploaded and scheduled for Friday. Definitely on track.

Intermission (Oxnard edition)

Intermission after intermission…

Last week Andrew came to visit and we hung out in Oxnard and LA.

This week I’m heads down adjusting back to work and getting ready to release music (aiming for four songs in January).

when I get more time this weekend I wanna write a detailed post about my trip to Cabo and hanging out with Andrew in Oxnard.

For now imma just live like a monk so I can die like a king

Intermission (Cabo)

Hello readers. I write to you from Cabo. Taking an intermission.

Cabo has been nice. We have a balcony and a nice hammock where I can watch the sun go down every night.

It’s been a good opportunity to disconnect as much as I can outside of work and spend some time reflecting.

One big thought I had is this: as I get older it’s harder to stay in the moment. Too many distractions. All the social media. Plugging away at my job. No wonder people snap and have mid year crises.

It’s so easy to go through the motions of life without absorbing it. Reminds me of this line from Our Town (play where the main character has died and she goes back to a random memory from the life she lived):

EMILY: "Does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every, every minute?"

STAGE MANAGER: "No. Saints and poets maybe...they do some.

Pretty interesting that even back then before internet and tv people felt like this. Our generation is playing on hard mode

Anyways I wanna focus on that in the new year. Figure out a way to prioritize what matters and shed all the unnecessary so I don’t miss out on the important stuff. Some priorities:

  • health

  • disconnect as much as possible

  • family/friends

  • publish music

life is a great big juggling act where you have to balance more things as time goes on. Time to clown down my friends.

another thought: how much have I changed from the pandemic/what am I still reeling from? I think I started watching a lot of tv and eating more edibles to stave off the boredom and loneliness and I’m still kinda stuck in some of that routine. Not so much the edibles but a loooooot of tv.

Ending on a happy note here’s a nice picture of the sunset

Birthday Reflections / Venice

birthday reflections

I’m 27. 30 looms in the distance but I try to pay it no mind. Today is a day of celebration, not fear.

A recap of the past year

  • I started out in Oxnard and left early January for my apartment in Brooklyn

    • This was right around the time people starting regather post the worst of COVID

    • I remember feeling pretty out of it socially. After having spent so many months alone in my apartment it was weird hanging out with friends again

  • I spent the next few months enjoying Brooklyn life. A lot of time spent alone. A lot of time walking around, drinking coffee, sitting on benches

  • Went back home to Oxnard in May and stayed there for roughly 4 months

    • Had to readjust to suburban life again. Compared to NYC I found Oxnard super boring

    • Actually can’t believe I stayed in Oxnard for that long. I have a new rule now where I shouldn’t stay in Oxnard more than 2 weeks at a time

    • Spent a lot of time reconnecting with Mom and especially Dad since Mom went off to Korea for a bit. I’ve grown to enjoy our 1:1 post work walks around the neighborhood. In the past I’d whine like a lil bitch that I just wanted to stay home.

    • Did some side trips to Seattle, San Diego, San Francisco

  • Also did a cross country Amtrak trip with Harry

    • LA —> Albuquerque —> Kansas City —> St Louis —> Chicago —> Cincinnati

  • Went back to NY in September

  • Went to Europe for a bit (~20 days)

  • Came back to America

    • Did Thanksgiving in NJ/DC

    • Came back home to Oxnard where I’m currently writing this post from.

Some thoughts on this year

  • I did a lot of things. A part of me wishes I’d explored more—maybe spent more time in Europe or Asia—but the vaccine only came out later/COVID was still a big part of this year

  • This year I got pretty comfortable doing things alone. In the past if I’d have hesitated going to a meetup or an open mic alone. This time around I forced myself to go through with these things and realized there was nothing to be afraid of

    • There are points where I got too comfortable being alone though—points where I could have been more open/accommodating with people instead of retreating into my solitude

  • This year was a process of doing things I’d been wanting to do but too afraid to do

    • Signing up for singing lessons. I don’t know why I was so hesitant before. Probably because singing is a vulnerable thing to do and to admit you want singing lessons is also a vulnerable act

    • Solo trip to Europe

    • Open mics

    • Playing volleyball

  • I’m glad I got to spend so much time with family. I am not a fan of Oxnard but the time I spent here with family is priceless

  • Was also slightly addicted to Reddit in the past. Was able to cut it out of my life. Now I’m just addicted to Instagram/Tiktok… progress!

Some thoughts on next year

  • I had a list of goals

    • Release 5 songs, Get to 160 lbs, Travel to 5 locations

    • Of these I only accomplished the traveling.

  • The goals haven’t changed much. If I had to pinpoint where I failed:

    • Releasing 5 songs

      • A lot of distractions. I also put off a lot of releases because of perfectionism.

      • I’m going to let things go and just release even if it’s not absolutely perfect

      • Also have a new rule where if I miss a day of producing then I can’t watch TV the following day.

    • Get to 160 lbs

      • I think I’m going to need a trainer for this. Don’t have enough discipline/knowledge to figure this out alone

  • Also set a timeline. Instead of a broad goal far in the distance I want to set a realistic timeline for when I’ll accomplish everything.

  • I want to be more courageous next year too.

    • Especially in terms of relationships—both platonic and romantic. Be more vulnerable. Be more open. Don’t give up too easily.

      • I think I can be pretty closed off with people I don’t know well and I want to fix that.

    • Also in terms of getting out my comfort zone. Apathy/excuses driven by fear have prevented me from doing so many things I’ve wanted to do. The idea that “I’m not that kind of person” is my biggest blocker right now

    • I watched an IG reel recently where someone said “there’s no one coming. No one to tell you what to do, when to get up, how to live your life etc.” That’s hit home. 27 is a big boy age. You gotta take responsibility for who you’ll end up being. No one to tell you what to do (unless you hire a life coach 😳)

Anyways, 26 was a better year. Way fuggin better than 25. I catch myself off guard when I realize been almost two years since the start of COVID. A pity that I started this blog towards the end of 2020. Would have been interesting to see my thoughts from early 2020 onwards.

Maybe it’s my youthful ignorance speaking but 27-30 feel like years when you figure your shit out and settle down for the long haul.

I think I’m in a pretty good place right now but I also don’t know what’s next/what the long haul looks like.

So many uncertainties. What will I end up doing (is it SWE??)? Who will I end up with? Where will I live?

The youthful invincibility/belief that everything will work out starts to fade. I’m cautiously optimistic. Everything will work out but I’ll have to figure it out/put in the work.

Ventura Crab n Spice. Favorite restaurant in Oxnard

I’m 27

In other news

  • I’ve started cooking family dinner every Thursday. Made a new recipe—the tiktok famous feta pasta months after the hype. Pretty simple. Pretty tasty. 8.5/10

skateboarding to Aldi’s to pick up ingredients. BOOTYFUL day

  • Hung out with Justin in person for the first time in more than a year (honestly can’t remember the last time I saw him. Covid timeline is shaky). Spent a really fun day exploring random parts of Venice LA.

    • Hit up The Great Western Steak & Hoagie Co. Got coffee at Alfred Coffee and walked down Walter Kinney. Birded around to the pier and got burgers at Win~Dow and tacos at Teddy’s Red Tacos.

    • Had no idea Venice actually had canals/waterways.

    • Justin is moving to Mexico! Partly to save money. Partly to explore a new non American society. I wish him the best

sun makes my eyes go squinty fug i look bad in this photo

someone parachuting over Santa Monica on the drive over. Can’t remember the last time I was so delightfully surprised to see something. This dude flew over the highway aiming for the water.

SIMplicity / heybudbot

It’s been quiet this week.

I’m back at home in California. Mom and Dad both work and take the cars with them so I’ve been working (stranded!) inside the house for the last few days.

It always takes some time readjusting to the suburbs but this time around I feel good. The past few months have been a non-stop torrent of activity/stimuli/traveling so the downtime is appreciated.

So far I’ve spent my time

  • producing music

  • practicing for my vocal lessons

    • currently working on Cry Me a River by Michael Buble

  • eating home cooked meals

  • spending way too much time on instagram

    • jury’s still out on whether going back on IG was a good idea. On one hand I’ve kept in better touch with new/old friends. On the other I spent TWO HOURS ON REELS YESTERDAY!!!!

    • like all human inventions IG must be treated with cautious optimism. After yesterday’s binge I’ve put in parental controls to limit me to one hour

    • I’ve also moved all my distracting/unwanted apps onto my work phone so I’m less likely to reach for them on my main phone

  • revamping wydbot into heybudbot (see below)

SIMplicity

You know what life kinda feels like these days? The Sims.

Last time I played the Sims I there were two modes to play on.

On one mode you directly controlled each Sim’s behavior planning out their strategy/daily actions (e.g. swim in the pool, learn how to cook, etc.).

On the second mode you could let the Sims go on autopilot/speed up the clock so they’d end up doing whatever they wanted. After a few hours in sped up time you’d slow down and see the aftermath of whatever your Sim had chosen to do.

I am both Sim and player. I go off and live my life mindlessly. Time seems to speed up during this period. And only every now and then (usually in the dead of night when I can’t sleep or when I’m forcing myself to write down my thoughts in quiet and solitude) do I have clarity/lucidity about what I’m doing.

It’s trippy how those moments of lucidity slam into me. The other day on my bed after having dicked around on IG for a few hours I was struck by the sudden thought that I hadn’t had any real thoughts in a while.

I have a friend (shoutout Justin) who might say I’m blowing this out of proportion. “That’s called being present. Just be more present” he might say.

Yeah that’s true. But that’s both easier and harder said than done.

Easier in the sense that I have a pretty good idea of how to do this

  • cut out tv

  • cut out IG

  • cut out porn

  • cut out carby/processed foods that lead me to indulge in all of the above

  • cut out weed

Harder in the sense of

  • how to balance it all/stay consistent.

  • all of those things I mentioned above are so accepted. They’re almost the norm.

  • these things are not “evil”—there’s good tv and bad tv

Based on personal history I think it’s easier to displace than remove. It’s harder to sustain the absence of something. Easier to replace that thing with something better.

That’s probably why during my acting days when I spent the majority of my time reading scripts, practicing, performing, hanging out with friends in person (all mostly “present” activities) I had no real issue cutting out most of those things.

…

As more of the world goes online how do you maintain that sense of presence? Maybe the only solution is to purposely limit the access you have and try to filter for only the “good” parts of the internet. The main issue there is figuring out what’s good/what’s bad. There’s just too many shiny/loud things out there. And we don’t really know the real effects of every little thing on the internet.

We’re in that transitory place where most of life is not yet on the internet. The average person will probably be more successful (and happy?) if they spend more time off the internet than on (focusing on their goals, etc.). But how long will that last? Sometimes you just gotta play the game even if the game plays you…………….

…

To be fair this issue isn’t isolated to just the Internet. I’m sure people in the past had issues staying present too.

Anyways for now maybe I just gotta aim for more SIMplicity in my life :3

heybudbot

Longtime readers will remember I set up a chat bot (wydbot) to help me track how I spent my time on an daily basis.

After a while wydbot fell to the wayside and our relationship became an unrequited friendship.

reminds me of the convos I have with the girls i like :’)

I’ve recently revamped wydbot into heybudbot. A daily message to start my day with three components

  • A reminder to not fxck around too much. I utilize my fear of turning thirty here and countdown the number of days to my next birthday

  • An integration with an API (boredapi) that suggests activities to do when you’re bored.

  • An integration with a jokes API (sv433.net) to tell me a new joke each day

Pretty simple so far but we’ll see where it goes from here. I wanted to integrate with OpenAI to get some of that next gen chat capabilities but my credits expired >:(

In other news

  • Forgot to mention we did Thanksgiving in New Jersey with our Aunt’s family this year.

  • Also went to DC with the fam

    • Saw some monuments. Mom and Dad loved riding around the city on Limes.

  • Went to the Smithsonian and saw my new favorite photo

which one are you at this point in your life? I’m slightly more the guy on the right

  • Hung out with Yang. Got Hawaiian food. Listened to music in his backyard. Watched some of David Chang’s new docuseries (The Next Thing You Eat)

Music Update

I don’t know how useful these music updates are but I’m writing them for consistency. Currently working on a song called Ennui. Old song that I’m getting around to finishing. Have the pre-mix almost ready and will send off to mixer soon.