Bryant Park Blues / Choir
Bryant Park Blues
Note: I’m publishing this from Korea pretty late. I wrote this a couple weeks ago but never uploaded in the process of going to Korea. As I re-read this I was in a bit of a mood. Oh well that’s how it goes sometimes.
I sit alone in Bryant Park (favorite park in NY right now btw) sipping on my blue bottle cold brew under overcast skies.
I’ve been thinking a lot these days. In the past I used to think that I thought too much. There was a period in college (right after my big depression sophomore year) where I decided to turn all thought and funnel all my energy into action (related).
But now the pendulum swings and I return back to thought. Feels necessary now that I’m GROWING OLDER and trying to figure out my next steps in life.
Lately NY feels like a blender. All these people and events and noise ground up and spit out as a blobby pulp. A game where we’re constantly on. Advancing ourselves in the arena. Sizing up our opponents. Climbing to the top at almost any cost. Maybe that’s life. Maybe I’m just jaded from watching too much Succession where family members screw each other at almost any opportunity.
Maybe it’s growing pains. First few years were masked by the honeymoon period. Now the harsh reality sets in. Some days I wake up feeling fantastic. Other days I wake up severely annoyed (no dread/depression yet. I am still hopeful) that I have to deal with this mess again.
Maybe it’s the rate of change. My team at work—people I’ve known for years through the best and worst parts of the pandemic—is starting to disband. The majority of people I knew pre COVID are long gone. In the timeless words of Keane everything’s changing and I don’t feel the same.
It’s a valid feeling and I’ll stew in it a bit longer but I want to figure out my next steps. The engineer in me always wants to debug the problem. The engineer in me always clings to hope that there’s a potential solution for every issue. I am grateful for that.
Anyways I’ll be out with family in Korea for the next two weeks so hopefully I return recharged.
Choir
Wrapped up my choir concert the other day. Choir was a mixed bag but it felt great singing my heart out with other people on a weekly basis.
I joined for two reasons
To meet people
I did meet a number of great singers and nice people. When I first joined I was disappointed at the lack of community. Some of these singers had been in a choir together for years but had never hung out together outside of the class. Over time we slowly did more outings (Korean fried chicken and karaoke happened a few times) but that was a gradual process. I think now that we know each other better we’ll keep in touch and do more things with each other. Going karaoke with other good singers is always a treat
To get better at singing
I think I improved. Hearing other people sing. Seeing what worked for them and what didn’t. Becoming a better performer. There was a moment during karaoke where Carlos pulled me aside and said “you’re a good singer so show the audience what you are.” I’ve historically had issues performing for a crowd (vs “performing for myself”) so it was helpful to hear. I was also honored when Sulisa (one of the best singers in choir hands down) told me that she enjoyed my voice after karaoke.
If I could go back I would have put more of myself in. I first joined the choir thinking “I’ve never sung in a choir so I’ll pull back and see what it’s really like this time around.”
What a cop out. Instead of auditioning for every available solo I hung back to “observe” and didn’t go all in.
That’s a pattern in life for me. Rationalize not taking action.
By the end of the showcase I regretted not trying harder. Well, something to remember for the next thing I do.
In other news
the road to the Poconos
Went to the poconos! Kind of a split party. Helen, Kelvin and I were the mostly sober crew while everyone else decided to take acid and paint. Glad to tick this off my list before leaving NY. I didn’t enjoy the cabin part as much but the driving part was very enjoyable
On this trip we also went mini golfing and rode a forest coaster
Also swung by storm king
finally made it out to storm king
Went to a Lawrence concert with Jason, Nicole and Sabrina. I started the concert exhausted from a late night and a gym session so I wasn’t in the best of moods but at one magical point rain was pouring, the music was so so good and I felt incredible. Glad I went and I should def go to more concerts
Watched Hadestown with Chris and Steve. Hadestown was good not great. Eva’s singing was incredible as usual though. They could have just had her singing the entire time and I might have had a better time
A passing thought I had one night—it might be worthwhile to track expectations and results with every social thing I do. Why am I going to a particular event with particular people and what do I hope to gain out of that experience. Sometimes I think I might just randomly do things because I was invited or because I’m feeling lonely. Is that a good enough reason?
